Turned 40, and feel shit

[WherehastheZestgone]

I don't know what I want from this thread really.
Lately I have just lost energy and my zest for life. I'm usually such an upbeat, bubbly person, with a big smile. I just seem to look miserable now, and hide behind a false smile. I feel angry at the world, and life just seems to have constant dead-ends, with no light at the end of the tunnel.
The last 2 years have honestly been horrendous. I have had a bereavement of a very close relative followed by another bereavement of a not so close, but constant relative, a cancer scare ongoing months, with multiple punch biopsies (thankfully negative), drug resistant epilepsy which has worsened with all of the stress; this has hugely affected my sleep. I'm on that many meds for my condition I don't know if I'm coming or going, doses constantly being "tweaked."
There's been awkward neighbours with a fence (long story), but it majorly pissed me off. My child has been officially diagnosed with AuADHD, and awaiting meds, school is a struggle. My other dc is having hearing issues and now needs tonsils & adenoids removed, and ears checked. Dh has been off work with stress, and has had therapy over his toxic estranged parents. My sibling is a narcissist, so I've had to distance myself for the sake of my kids. Dm is team "golden child", and keeps basically likening my neurological condition to psychiatric, and something I can apparently control.
I'm just more angry than anything. Anybody relate?
I'm a SAHM, probably unemployed tbh, as youngest started full time school a year ago. I had to give up work due to this stupid health condition, which makes me feel guilty, and like a complete failure. I also feel like I'm generally lost in life, all of my ambition has gone, I went to University with such enthusiasm, and excitement, and now it's all gone. I honestly don't know who I am anymore!
I honestly feel stuck in a rut, then all the shit going on in this country and the world in general. The worst part is I'm fed up of myself, because I'm actually really fortunate, so why the hell do I feel this way?!

DISCLAIMER: Reposted from MH in the hopes of more traffic.

Bump

You feel this way because you are reacting as any normal person would to the list you have described. What you have been dealing with, in a nutshell, is grief, health problems for you and a family member, bad family dynamics with extended family, work stress for your husband, feelings of failure (which you should not feel given everything you are juggling physically and emotionally, but this is not surprising), while watching the world burn down around all of us.

If you were not dealing with sadness, feelings of emptiness and lack of ambition, you probably would not be normal.

But, there is hope.

First, as much as is possible, shelve or temporarily displace worries and concerns about things outside of your control, such as the "world," your extended family's behavior and thoughts, and having to leave your job.

It won't be easy because you are a kind, caring and empathetic person, but try to do this to focus on the things that you can control. If it means ignoring the news for a time, continuing with the distance from problematic family members, and ignoring the pesky neighbors, do so.

Then, make a list of your priorities, which will include the health of your children and yourself at the top, and any associated to-do's. Next, make a promise to yourself that when you get some resolution on the health issues (such as your son's treatment for hearing issues, and the other son's ADHD treatment, as well as well as other potential treatments for your epilepsy and the resulting affects of that conditions, such as the lack of sleep, then you can circle back around to your job and career prospects.

Nobody could be expected to manage all of that and have a wonderful career simultaneously.

You mentioned your husband is undergoing work stress. Is he still supporting you emotionally and logistically given all of the health challenges for you and your children?

You've taken an absolute battering. You can't expect to be running round like Topsey. You need time to heal, body and soul. Don't expect to be excited, motivated or ecstatic. Settle for calm and peace. Look after yourself with diet, excercise and sleep. Spend time in places and with people who lift you, as much as you can. Get your vitamins. If you're still feeling this way in 6 months, it's worth thinking about getting a referral for some therapy.

Forgot to say I put a lot of weight on during Covid, so I lost 3 stones. I'm now slim, fit and healthy. This was before all of this though, so it's not like getting fit will make a difference either. I just don't know what to do with myself, and want to give myself a damn good shake!

That sounds totally like too much ; I'm sorry you're enduring all of this. Forgive me for saying that the family who think epilepsy is a psychiatric condition are not the brightest !!

As pp have put more eloquently things can improve you keep on keeping on and try to carve out some peaceable times for yourself.

Thank you for your lovely replies, I really don't deserve them. I've been out of work now for a few years; this wasn't the plan. It is like I'm emerging from the fog of young dcs, and still this health condition is ruining my life. I was diagnosed after my second child was born. Youngest dc is now 5. Then all of this happening within 2 years. The dysfunction of it all. I see people sauntering around with grandparents picking dcs up from school, and big happy families with no divorces; sometimes I feel like an alien on my own planet.

I'm actually very fortune overall, so this makes me hate myself even more.

My parent that died was also my closest relative outside of dh, and my dcs. Well over a year now, and still my heart aches.

Poor dh has tried to be as supportive as possible, as I've been an absolute broken nightmare. I really don't recognise myself anymore. I think all of the stress has just worn me down. I'm usually such a strong person that gets on with things, I'm supportive to everybody else, yet tough on myself. I'm not sure why, probably stems from dm.

I just want to be "me" again.

My mum died many years ago. I was young with small DC. It knocked me sideways and into a very dark depression. Even after I could function again, I really struggled with motivation. I was basically scared to plan or try or look forward, because I'd learned that life just pulls the rug out when you're not looking. The good news is, it passed in time. My life moved on, I had new experiences and they made new and happy memories. The gap will always be there in my life, but I learned to live round it. I'm very happy now, and while there's a little corner of loss and sadness, it's not consuming.

I'm actually very fortune overall, so this makes me hate myself even more

You’ve had an absolutely shit couple of years so it’s no surprise that it has knocked you for six. And yes, there will always be someone worse off than you, who is coping fine, but that doesn’t lessen what you’ve been through, in the same way that there will be people whose lives appear to be perfect, who will be actively suicidal.

If you’ve got to the stage where you’re blaming yourself for not simply batting all of this stuff away with a smile on your face, then I think it’s time for a gp appointment. Many people are very resistant to medication for mental health, but it doesn’t always have side effects, it’s not addictive and, very often, it simply adjusts your brain chemistry to get you through until you’re ready to cope without it. I think you should consider whether it would help you.

Thank you, I can't take meds unfortunately because my epilepsy meds are a strong cocktail. I couldn't handle any more. My mind is far too stubborn for anything like CBT, I have little trust in the medical system due to multiple failings within my family, and my parents premature death.
I feel I may hace ADHD traits now my dc has been diagnosed. I also feel like I live on my nerves, flight or fight, mainly flight lately. I just want to hide away from the world. I've never suffered from depression, just anxiety, but never medicated for it.

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry about your Mum. It has been well over a year for df, but I haven't felt the same since, then all of the other stuff has tipped me over the edge. It feels like there is a darkness, and the world looks different. My dcs were 4 and 6 when he died, far far too early, and it didn't feel natural to lose him in my late 30s. Then Covid took 2 years of precious time on top of this. People lose parents far younger. It has been hellish with two little kids. I was feeling like I was making some progress, but all of the accumulative stress of it all together has just caused me to be so despondent, and not recognise myself.

You feel that way because you’ve had a really shit few years. And no I wouldn’t say you’re very fortunate tbh… you’ve had about 15 massive shit life events thrown at you in a few years. Wtf is fortunate about that?

You feel like this because right now your life is shit!

Thank you, there is more dysfunction in the past, but I have just always stayed so strong. I've been the one giving everybody else advice, and helping them. I don't know why, but the advice I have given them doesn't apply to me. It is like I can't allow myself to not be okay, because I have such high standards. I don't know if this stems from dm and childhood. It's like I see feeling as a weakness, but only for me, it is acceptable for everybody else. I don't show myself grace, and feel pathetic for being this way. People have far worse lives and death sentences, and here I am complaining. I'm fed up of myself.