Do all 12 year olds go through this or am I right to be concerned?

[Notburpeesagainplease]

My DD turns 12 this month, she has become really clingy and just generally seems unhappy. I asked her this morning what was up and she told me she feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere, which absolutely broke my heart to hear. I told her she does belong somewhere and that’s with me and always will be.
Shes been through a lot, she started at secondary school this year and hasn’t enjoyed it, she’s only just really started to settle but says she doesn’t have loads of friends, I've reassured her that its ok to only have a few friends, a few close friends is better than a lot of acquaintances. She’s very shy and quiet and struggles in groups or around new people.
Shes also very clingy with me, she must tell me I’m her best friend and that she loves me over 100 times a day and she texts me at break and lunch while at school to tell me too.
I try to reassure her as much as I can that I’m here and I love her and I’m never going anywhere.
I seperated from her Dad 3 years ago after 11 years of abuse, he was an alcoholic but has now sobered up and she spends her weekends with him. We aren’t on speaking terms and she tells me he’s always quizzing her on what I’m upto, where I’ve been, about my boyfriend and it makes her uncomfortable, so she lies to him. I’ve told her there is no need to lie and neither her or I are doing anything wrong but she hates the questions from him. Also, recently my eldest dd 17 broke down in tears about the things we went through when we lived with him and the things he said to her, she’s now been having counselling to talk about it. My youngest DD heard the conversation and now feels guilty talking about her Dad and going to see him. She told me she feels so bad that he treated her that way and that she feels bad for seeing him now. We had a chat about how he had an illness and that he’s not like that now and I’ve reassured her that I wouldn’t let her spend time with him if I ever thought she’d be in danger and that if she ever felt unsafe she could just call me and I’d be straight there. He now loves with his parents and 2 sisters, so i know there’s always someone there with them.
What can i do to help her, does anyone have any advise de on how I can help her be happier and feel less insecure?
I don’t know if I’m overreacting and I know she has been through a lot, so maybe I pander to her more or what can I do to help her, I feel so upset to see her going through such a tough time.

At this point in year 7, no it's not normal in my experience. I appreciate she has had a tough time though.

I don't think it's healthy for her to keep saying you are best friends and contacting you constantly. you are her parent, not her best friend. She needs to focus on friendships during break and lunch, not contacting home.

This doesn't sound "normal" but maybe it is normal considering what your family has been through. She is nearly at the age where she could decide not to see her father, and given how uncomfortable he makes her, maybe this would be best. At least for a while until she's worked out what she wants. It sounds like school has been tough socially, and this won't be helped by how she's feeling. Could she perhaps have some counselling too?

First of all speak with head of year or guidance at her secondary and see if they run a break or lunch club for those struggling with shyness and making friends. My DCs school do this and it helped a friends dc to settle and find some friends.
It also may be worth her having some counselling to discuss and sort thru her feelings regarding her father, the constant questions are damaging.

Seek help from school - they may have pastoral or counselling sessions (depending on preference) and also lunchtime clubs etc that she could go to for quieter / shy kids. Does she have any particular interests? There’s nothing wrong with her texting you but I think you’d want her to be spreading her wings a bit more by now, and not contacting you every break and lunch. Maybe having a club would stop that as she’d be focusing on something. Could she have something in her pocket that you give her to say you’re always with her even when not in contact? A gem/stone/tiny figurine…. not sure but this might help. Ultimately she is still so young but should be slightly less clingy I think.

Re the father thing - this is difficult. It may naturally fizzle out once she’s a year or two older and more able to make her own decisions.

So the texting at school thing came about because I couldn’t get her to go in and she was having so much time off, when I did eventually get her to go in, I suggested texting me to let me know she was ok. She’s now over the not wanting to go - although she would obviously much rather be at home - but the texting has continued, at first it was just lunchtime but now it’s before she goes in, first break, lunchtime and as she leaves she texts.
I spoke with school, who weren’t very helpful. They did suggest a confidence club that is run at lunchtime for her to attend but she flat out refused, when the teacher talked to her about it she told them she was fine because she didn’t want to talk.
I’ve suggested clubs at lunchtime to meet people who have similar interests and she did go and try a few but didn’t enjoy them either.

Maybe looking into counselling for her may be the way forward, although she’s very shy so she may not talk.
My eldest DD has refused counselling for the last 3 years and had seemed reasonably ok until more recently when it’s all come back to her, could it be the trauma from that period with her Dad coming out now, is that even possible? I know it still plays on my mind a lot, some days more than others but I feel like I’m getting better whereas my girls seem to be finding it harder to cope with.

Yes she does need counselling. My sons secondary school has a counselling service, do her school have one?
she will remember things that have happened over the years and she may be worrying about you as well.

You've all been through a lot, and it's maybe time for her to have someone outside the family to talk to. There are lots of ways for children to experience counselling, drawing therapy, play therapy are just a couple. You could also have therapy as a family.

You sound like such a lovely mum.

Ah shes been through the mill, poor thing (as have you all), no wonder she's feeling so insecure & lost.

Tell her from me, that it can take a while to find your friends and settle into a happy group. I know its lonely in the meantime, and it can tale time, but it's not a reflection on her at all.

The most fun and interesting people I have known in my life have often been those who felt a bit like outsiders, or who were shy.

Those times when it takes a while to settle at a new school feel eternal and when you feel lost its hard to picture a time when things will be different, but just because it takes time doesn't mean it won't happen. (Firsthand experience here!)

Counselling sounds like a really good idea for her.

She feels safe & happy with you which is why she's being clingy, and it's wonderful that you have a relationship in which she can be.

If affordable, I'd look at clubs etc she can try outside of school. A sensitive girl like her might enjoy riding?

It sounds like you’ve all had a tough time of it, plus she’s heading into those years, bless. Another that thinks a hobby might help

You sound very supportive and it's great you have such a good relationship. Yes, counselling might help, she has been through alot. I have 3 girls and I think the early teen/preteen years are tough. Luckily you are her main role model and you obviously have made a new life for you all.

OP she's been through a lot and I think arranging some counselling would be a good idea. Let her keep texting in the day and offer her reassurance, you are her safe place. She is navigating a tricky relationship with her dad and mixed feelings about him, you are the person she feels she can rely on.

Encourage her to invite friends over to hang out and maybe do some fun things with at home - making and decorating cupcakes, pizza making, movies and popcorn etc. She might find it easier hanging out with friends at home and can build on that to going out and about with mates as she gets a bit older.

Could she joins some out of school clubs? Guides, team sports, art classes, drama or stagecoach? Anything to help her make some friends, and to have some time away from both you and her phone.
With summer coming up, look into stuff that runs through the holidays, ideally with kids from other schools too? Summer camps, clubs or classes would be fab.
Make sure she's inviting any friends she does have over in the summer, and is keeping in contact with them in healthy way. If there's other kids her age locally, try to connect her with them too. 12 is still an age where you can get kids together to do things, particularly if a few parents are on board - craft kids, board games, park trips etc that they can do semi-independently are great. Does she have any hobbies? If so, definitely capitalise on these to make friends.
You could also put some special time aside for the two of you in the hols - you're clearly very close, so hopefully having some set quality time may alleviate some of her anxiety.

Personally, I'd be aiming to stop her texting you during the school day. For us there's only a couple of weeks left, so I'd be winding her down by replying less often, and asking her teachers to tell her to put her phone away.
Then come September, I'd be warning her that she's not to text you during the day, and that you won't be able to answer her. A big part of the reason she's unengaged in making friends or doing clubs is that she can play on her phone and text you instead, so personally I'd be willing to remove the phone altogether, as long as she's got some support in place in school.
I'd also be trying to put a stop to the best friend business - you're her parent, not her best friend. She needs friends her own age who are going through similar things in life. It's lovely that you're close, but you can't be everything to her!

You could also speak to the school about any of the following;

• Moving her classes, as she's struggling to make friends and you think a new cohort would be good for her
• Buddying her up with either a child with similar struggles or interests, or an older child to act as a mentor
• Her having someone (teacher maybe) to check in with during the day at break or lunch, so she's got someone to speak to and somewhere to physically go
• Ask to be put in contact with parent of other children in your area, with similar interests, or who are also struggling to make friends, so you can arrange get togethers over the summer.