What do you do when your child lives with an abusive partner?

[notwhatdreamsaremadeof]

I've name changed for this because I don't want my daughter to realise this is about her. Basically, she has moved in with a long term boyfriend who now verbally and mentally abuses her but she doesn't seem to realise it.

They dated for a long time and there were red flags then, which I pointed out to her. He was very aggressive in the way he spoke to her when they had disagreements, didn't want to take her out or really spend any time with her. Never does anything for her or does something just to make her smile. He seemed content to let things drift along for years as they were until she gave him an ultimatum as she wanted to move forward, buy their own home, etc. Unfortunately, he agreed.

They found a house and as soon as they had an offer accepted, all hell seemed to break loose. They fought every day, the root of it being he was a lazy sod who couldn't even be bothered to read emails from their solicitor. His attitude seemed to be, "You want this life, you make it happen." She cried a lot, we begged her to reconsider, told her to find someone who wanted what she wanted and not someone who had to be dragged along. Tbh, he doesn't behave like he even wants to be with her.

But she went ahead. Now that they are living together, he leaves all the house work up to her, DIY, everything outside of his 9 to 5 job really, and screams in her face if she challenges him. The language he uses toward her is awful. It's not a surprise, his father is abusive and all the men in his family say things that have a whiff of Incel about them. He is tight with his money, moans about paying bills but happy to spend big on himself. He is always so nice to our faces but I am beginning to loathe him.

Things came to a head last week when she told him to get out and she came to our house to get a break from him. I was delighted and was very honest about how I felt about the whole situation, which I now realise was not smart. By the next morning, they had decided to stay together and get counselling. This seems to be the pattern - she decides she has had enough, he says all the right things and puts a load of washing on, within two weeks, things are back to normal.

I can't be diplomatic anymore. I hate him and his family, who are also vile to her, and I want him gone. I cannot bear that my clever, funny, beautiful daughter is with someone like this. But she wants me to accept him as part of the family. I can't do this, I can't pretend everything is fine. I don't want him near any of us and I don't want him in my house.

At the same time, I don't want to lose my daughter. Things have become very cool between us and I am terrified of losing her. I want her to be able to talk to me, I want her to be secure in the knowledge that she can come home if she needs to. But I don't want to unwilling gaslight her into believing that what he is doing isn't abuse, by agreeing with her when she says things like, "It's just a communication issue." He also wants her to get pregnant as he wants to 'experience being a father'! Doesn't want to marry her, though, he has made this very clear. I have told her that if she gets pregnant, she will basically be a single parent with a mill stone around her neck and that abusers ALWAYS get worse, especially after a pregnancy. DH says he doesn't want to hear about it anymore as it makes him so angry but I don't want her to think our door is closed to her.

How on earth do DH and I navigate this?!

I don’t think you can ever make someone else see reality if they are intent on not seeing it.

be there - ready to pick up the pieces and ensures she knows you love her unconditionally… sounds like she will need you soon.

so sad.

This must be so so hard for you.

I was in an abusive relationship for years and honestly I hate what it must've put my mam through watching that.

She was quite firm in telling me she'd never accept a man who treated me badly as part of the family, but that her door would always be open for me.

Our relationship suffered during that time - remember that abusers want their victims isolated from their support system. I can only speak from my experience but I'm glad my mam never lied to me about how awful he was, but was always firmly there for me even when I pushed her away.

You're in an impossible situation and I feel for you so much, I know how much you must want to just pluck her away from him and rescue her but you can't. It's something she has to realise on her own unfortunately. When you're in the thick of it the denial can be so powerful.

Just make sure you reiterate all the time that you will be there no matter what. It's an incredible sacrifice for you to make, and it will be painful, but it'll be worth it when the scales finally fall away and she knows she can run to you.

I'm so sorry 💐

You write very well, perhaps put everything you want to say in a letter to your daughter, she can read it alone so it doesn't turn into an argument with you?
Basically write out what you have written on here and finish it by saying she is always welcome home and you and her dad love her, you just can't accept this man into your family.

I know it's hard, you're desperate to protect your daughter from someone who is a walking red flag. You have to plaster on the biggest smile, and welcome him into your family. Be overly nice if necessary. If he thinks for one tiny minute you have clocked onto what he's like, he will do everything in his power to poison your relationship and isolate her. You need to keep that contact. I know it will kill you doing so, but you can't do anything that will push her towards him even more. Be there for her, the penny will drop eventually, and she will desperately need you.

You can only hope she's on very good contraception, he sounds like the type who wants her to get pregnant so that it is more difficult for her to leave. I often read on here that abuse gets worse when the victim is pregnant or has a baby as the abuser thinks they are trapped.

There's some really good advice here: https://pandys.org/articles/2021/how-to-support-a-person-being-abused-by-their-partner/

as others have already said criticising him directly is likely to draw a wedge and push her further away and make her feel like she can’t confide in you.

from personal experience in a similar situation I was embarrassed to let other people know and also I didn’t want to upset or hurt my family by telling them so tended to keep things to myself. But most of the time I wasn’t thinking logically and was a bit detached and on autopilot, looking back I was a bit isolated but probably didn’t really register at the time so I think keeping up contact in person and on the phone regularly just so she knows you’re there will help even if it’s a quick 5 minute chat.

You need to be there and listen and be supportive but as hard as it is try to not be critical of the man to your daughter as this will either make her feel guilty, stupid, partially to blame, lead to him turning her away from you for visits and support if she tells him what you’ve said, lead to her stop telling you things. Deep down she probably knows things aren’t right and she’s unhappy but is too busy/stressed/tired/resigned/hopeful things may change.

I think you could probably try to communicate in a way that makes it clear his behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable in a way that isn’t personal or critical or him (this may not make sense or be really hard to do but actually the guardian had an article about it this week which I think you should read) https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/06/a-controlling-partner-is-isolating-my-daughter-what-can-i-do-to-help

ultimately it will take time and lots of empathy, and know in you won’t judge and will be there for her when she’s ready to leave without judgement is the main thing you want to ensure she knows at all times. Hope it all works out ok soon.

Oh and without repeating what I’ve said unfortunately I think you do need to hang out with him and be nice (particularly if that’s the only way you can see her) and telling her she will be a single parent if she gets pregnant isn’t really going to work as a “scare” tactic in this situation as you risk her not telling you if she does. To be honest given the scenario her being a single parent probably is much better than her and a child staying with him! So as much as I understand the frustration you really have to think about how she will interpret and feel this message.

And your partner saying he won’t hear or deal with it anymore is not the attitude you want your daughter to know/pick up on. I know it’s probably unbearable for you but she needs to know you will listen and support rather than feeling like a burden otherwise yes there is a chance she will feel she can’t come to either of you for support.

Privately you can be slagging him off to your partner, friends, whoever for your own sanity and your own support to handle this horrible situation (although within reason as be aware you’re liking embarrassing her if it becomes some sort of village gossip and or you certainly don’t want it to get back to him, both ultimately risking her confiding in you). But publicly think carefully about what you say, how it can be interpreted and what the potential pitfalls are.

Thank you all for replying. The Guardian article is very good. I really messed up when she said she was throwing him out and got very honest, which I am sure he and his hideous family now know all about. We're not really talking about him at the moment, I am sure she will bring him up again and I will just reset my thoughts in the meantime and follow the advice given. I wish she was a little girl again and I could say, "You are not staying in a relationship with him and that's that!"

We don't really socialise together, they live close by and she tends to pop by or we go for lunch or the cinema, just the two of us. We have a big event coming up in August so it will be interesting to see how he behaves at that. I avoid the house when his family are around because they so openly nasty, it would be impossible not to have a fight. He sits there and says nothing while they criticise everything from her taste in paint colour to her body. I am not a saint, I am quite hot tempered, and I know I would say something and make everything worse. I keep my mouth shut about him to anyone local, we live ina small place and people love to gossip. A very good friend who doesn't live locally knows what is going on and allows me to vent.

@LilacWineIsSweetAndHeady I wouldn't dare put anything in writing in case he or his family saw it. But I do tell her, all the time, that this is her home and she is welcome to come back at any time. When she decided to stay with him, we did have a flare of temper at each other for a moment but we hugged and I told her that all we wanted was for her to be happy and we didn't look kindly on anyone who makes her sad. She knows she always comes first - she joked to her boyfriend one day when he tried to complain about her, that he was on enemy territory. I haven't told her that DH said he didn't want to hear about it, but he said that when he was very upset and I am sure he understands the value of offering her a non-judgemental environment where she can talk. I just hope my reaction to her staying hasn't caused her to withdraw permanently.

I take on board what everyone says about killing him with kindness and keeping up a relationship with him but I hate him! I am sorry, I have to say it. Sitting opposite him while he talks shit makes positively violent. But I shall try, for my daughter's sake. I don't know how well DH can do it, though.

Thank you all again for the taking the time and the good advice. @JudgeBread, I am really glad you got away. What breaks my heart is that she recognises that she is so unhappy, she knows his behaviour is awful but she seems to have this sunk cost fallacy, whereby she doesn't want to throw away a long relationship over night. I have said to her that it doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship, none of the matters if you are not happy.

We shall see. I am just terrified he is going to grind her down into a shadow of who she is now.