To ask if anyone finds parenting just fine and natural and easy any more (I feel like some people used to?)

[Fragmentedbrain]

My mother in law is obsessed by parenting - she loved it and it completed her. She was a mum in the 80s/early 90s when, in my opinion, things were much less pressured for both parents and kids.

i think she is completely blind to the practical realities her kids and their partners have to deal with now and is very judgemental as a result. In particular, she hassles the stay at home parent for not working (even though she's doing absolutely everything to keep the household running) and the working one for being late to nursery pickups and too tired to play some of the time (even though the mortgage just requires two incomes it's not negotiable).

I don't have kids and a big part of the reason is I think it looks so impossibly hard to do in the rigid framework that modern society has made, at least in the UK. Or am I just a weak and lazy cow?

Yeah that's fair - the gift of choice for women is pretty amazing

This is more about your mil being a complete pain in the arse than about parenting being harder now.

My mil was the same. She judged me when I worked outside the home ('poor child being looked after by strangers'), she judged me when I was a sahm ('poor husband being the only one working'), she judged me when I was a childminder ('poor children having to share their home'). She used to say ridiculous things like she'd never seen a child have a tantrum before when my eldest was having a typical 2 year old's tantrum. I know this to be a lie as I saw her other granddaughter have plenty!

None of it had any basis in truth, she was just a glass half empty, pass judgment on everyone kind of person.

What does your husband say about his childhood with this amazing, devoted, perfect mother?

I love being a mum and found it came naturally to me. Have 3 children under 5 at the moment. It’s not always easy but on the whole I find it easy and natural. I ignore lots of advice and just do what works for our family ( co sleeping when needed etc)

Haha this is familiar energy to say the least.

I think she genuinely was very happy as a mum and the kids had a good time and are mostly very well adjusted (one sibling seems to have narcissistic personality disorder but that's by the by).

I find her approach to family now incredibly stifling (when we go to visit them we have to be driven round legion's of elderly relatives, sitting in the back seat of the car like we're six) but I think it just doesn't occur to her that anyone wouldn't love it.

She is still really annoying about both practical necessity and people liking things that are different from what she likes, though.

Oh and if she expresses displeasure with my husband it devastates him emotionally for days (he is in his forties) so there's some sort of weird enmeshment going on for sure

And yet there are those who complain about their parents/IL’s wanting to be involved, calling round, asking to join days out…

One of the differences, that I am so thankful for, is in the 90’s there was less expectation in ‘doing’ in terms of the ‘perfect, magical event’.
Christmas was one chosen event each year ( apart from school events), so we went on a Santa steam ride one year, a farm carol service the next. Halloween maybe a witches hat and a linked story at home. Easter a picnic and a few eggs to find in the garden.

We stayed at home, DC’s played in the garden, played with construction sets, made their own fun.

I know how tired my DC’s and I were by Christmas and feel horrified at the endless days out and events that families go to in December every year.

On here there are often threads about…’we have booked Winter Wonderland, Santa Express, Star Lights, Snowy Trail and hope to go to Lapland…is that enough or can anyone think of anywhere else for the weekend of...’

The exhaustion, the expense, the pressure.

Keep it simple!

(Late 90’s parent - single parent by the time DC’s were 18 months - 6 years - thanks exH - ‘family life is not for me’ - worked full time teaching once DC’s were in KS2, part-time teacher prior).

It's never been easy - not ever - but I'm naturally fine, thanks.

These are really interesting insights. I think it aligns with my earlier post of feeling like I don’t have much local support. Everything seems very atomised in comparison to what I remember growing up in the 80s/90s

I think I got quite lucky to live somewhere with "local" local groups for small children as this hasn't been the experience for other friends I've spoken to. I wouldn't have coped as well at the toddler stage without them. It meant I could come up with a good routine with something every day.

Other than that as a millennial parent I try to incorporate the aspects of 90s parenting that I can get away with. We try to have a less is more attitude to things like Christmas events and not over schedule.

Parenting is fine when you don’t make your children your reason for living. They should fit into your life and you should be a family unit. They should not dictate every aspect of your life,nor should your life revolve around them alone.
Also children aren’t princesses or princes ( unless they are) so don’t treat them like the world owes them a living.

I loved being a mum to 4. It was in the 90s. I was very lucky that I was SAHM for a long time as it was affordable then. I was also lucky that they were all easy and quite chilled like me and DH. No velcro babies. No terrible twos but they did wake up at night for a few years but we had a large mattress on the floor in our bedroom so they just came in and went to sleep so didn't have the stress of keep taking them back. They grew out of it eventually.
There are so many posts on here of mums saying they can't stand the school holidays and can't wait for them to go back to school or nursery. I don't understand that.

I find it quite easy and enjoyable. I have 2 young dcs and a very hands-on DH, and I'm a sahm. I don't have a huge social network but I think that is an advantage really as I have no peer group judging me or that I feel pressured to meet certain standards for. I'm not the kind of person to get lonely and I enjoy spending time just me and the dcs, or with DH as well. I don't have many nights out and I'd rather be with DH and the dcs in the evenings.

Financially we're doing well and that allows access to plenty of activities to keep the dcs busy and entertained. We tend to have a full schedule and I put in the effort researching and booking things and ferrying them about, but not doing the hands-on entertaining. We've booked up summer camps all through the holidays doing different sports and arts, and weekend breaks away at places with on site activities. I'd be miserable and stressed being a sahm on a budget thinking up activities for them every day or trying to wfh and have 2 young dcs cooped up at home.

I absolutely bloody loved it, every second of it. Had mine late nineties/early noughties. I found babies/toddlers particularly easy. Teen years were slightly more difficult. DS and I are both ND.

I just think we are all different and cope/enjoy different things. It definitely doesn’t make you a bad person if you didn’t sail through it surrounded by rainbows, glitter and unicorns.

This week I do. One of my children is away for the week and the other two are a dream. They're 15 and 16 and just lovely young people.

I love being a mum - way more than I thought I would. I find being with the little ones easy and natural. I could be a stay at home mum for sure but as a single parent it is impossible.

What I find hard is having to work so hard to financially support them and therefore not spending enough time with them as a result as they also need wrap around care as well as nursery/ school. That feels unnatural and the mum guilt is immense.

Definitely agree with this.

They were less pressured because that’s how we parented. They didn’t do 27 after school activities. They didn’t invite the whole class for parties and attend 30 themselves. We didn’t care what other parents were wearing on the school run.
I could go on for hours.
My adult children have parented the same way. Try it. You may like it!

Bit of a risk if I didn't though, eh!