Senior colleague constantly undermining me/hindering my progress

[ChopsySue]

Sorry this is so long, I feel like I had to include all the info 🫣

I work closely with a colleague a level higher than me and he is currently training me up to do his role. Think of it like I’m his sort of PA but learning the ropes to eventually do what he does.

In short, I feel that he is undermining me in meetings and making me look incompetent and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it anymore. At first our working relationship was good but recently he has started making snarky comments to me in meetings and it’s getting to me.

Some examples are, pointing out every typo I make when I’m touch typing live on screen (even though I was going to backspace and fix it before he even mentioned it) which gets me flustered so my typos increase and then he’ll say “come on ChopsySue you can do it ha ha…”

I book the meeting rooms and am usually the first there. If he comes in and it’s just me in the room he won’t comment, but if he comes in and other team members are there he’ll make a comment like, “oh not this room ChopsySue couldn’t you find a better one ?” or “Sorry I’m late - ChopsySue put the wrong room in the calendar” (I didn’t) He won’t make these comments if it’s just us when he comes in, it’s like a performance for the team?

Last week he asked if i wanted him to lead the first external meeting for the contract as it would be my first one. I agreed as I wanted to see how it flows, pick up a few pointers and just generally get a feel for things. At one point in the meeting out of nowhere he said “Actually ChopySue can you give us an update on X, because you’re leading on this aren’t you?!” I felt really blindsided and flustered.

Then Friday, we were in a meeting with senior management and even though I had caught up with him moments before and had updated him on everything that’s was going on, he out of nowhere said “ChopsySue, what’s going on with X - I haven’t had an update?’ And instead of saying “nothing has changed since I updated you 10 mins ago” I blustered my way through, giving an update so it looked like I hadn’t been keeping him informed. So annoyed with myself that i didn’t speak up! It’s easy to say looking back but at the time I just felt put on the spot.

I have just come off a call with another supplier and I’m so angry. We both went through the requirements of the meeting and I was happy to lead this time. We agreed on 2 points we needed to bring up with the supplier. As it happened the supplier brought the first up themselves. Near the end of the meeting it went into AOB and as we hadn’t got around to the other point so I brought it up, to which he said, and I quote “well no ChopsySue, I don’t think we need to discuss that at this point in time” and made me look a fool. I’m so angry. The point the supplier brought up was one I had suggested before the meeting and the point he suggested up as a good one to discuss, the one I then brought up, he dismissed!! I feel like I was well and truly thrown under the bus.

I’m so angry right now with it all, angry, annoyed and frustrated. I have already spoken to him about how he has made me feel previously and he got a bit grumpy and said he just was trying to help, and I quote “I won’t say anything at all next time then” I’m going to have to say something again aren’t I?! I’m just exhausted. I’m writing this now thinking of moving from this role its causing me so much anxiety. I just keep renumerating on what I should have said instead and stood up for myself on calls, picking at what he’s said and trying to work out if it’s malicious or well intended somehow. I honestly can’t get over the feeling that he’s setting me up to fail!

You know what annoys me the most? It’s that he is truly incompetent in a lot of areas. He never knows where things are, constantly messages me for help, can’t remember basic information from one day to the next. I am CONSTANTLY doing stuff for him and essentially getting everything prepared for him in meetings, where I watch him get praise for everything I have put together with no thanks or mention. He’ll get a document through from a supplier and just ask me to file it but I’ll say something like, “don’t we have to do xyz with itand update this and let this person know that” etc or and he’ll say “oh yes good spot ChopsySue”.

Basically he looks competent and I feel he is making me look incompetent - if that makes sense. But it’s me, I’m the competent one! I’m the one behind everything he does! That’s why I want to do his role as I’m practically doing it anyway - I just lack some confidence :(

Argh. Am I being unreasonable? Am I over reacting/over thinking? I need to do something bout this before my brain explodes!

Thanks for listening, it’s been good to get off my chest if nothing else?

Just to add as well, as soon as we came off this last call he messaged me to ask where the supplier’s documents were (I’ve told him a million times) and whether we could have a call tomorrow so I could help him with something.

After how he just stitched me up?

SCREW. RIGHT. OFF. I have had enough.

Wow, he sounds like a total bully. I'm very sorry. I'd confront him calmly with examples of what a dick he's being and tell him to stop immediately.

Lots of people will tell you to document all and go to HR. Depends on where you work I guess but I've zero experience of HR being proactive and useful.

It’s funny because outside of these type of situations he’s a normal actually nice man. So I’m left with 2 thoughts, either he’s completely incompetent (more than I’m aware of) and oblivious but well meaning and his humour is falling flat or it’s malicious and he is purposely sucking me in to a fake nice guy persona so he can then effectively deliver a gut punch and embarrass me infront of people.

I don’t think I have the energy. I’m actually worried about rocking the boat too much and hindering my own career progress. If it carries on though I’ll have to.

After you’ve had conversations with him, where possible I’d follow this up with all the info in an email. (Here’s some notes on what we agreed / discussed today etc). Then if he changes what he’s said or tries to catch you out, you can email him afterwards showing in writing he agreed differently.
I’d also try and stand up for yourself a bit more. I know it’s hard in the moment but you’re seeing a pattern here so you can pre empt some things / have some replies ready in case needed. Things like ‘oh didn’t you read my email with all the meeting details in’.
He’s probably aware of his own incompetence, perhaps it’s even been mentioned by his superiors, so he’s projecting his own issues onto you by the sounds of it.

Hi Op,

Sounds to me that he knows you are better than him and he is threatened by you, so always putting you down so others dont realise. Its so hard wiytoxic people. I'm rubbish at sayimg come backs on the spot but try and think about stock responses so that next time he says you put the wrong room say clearly thats incorrect and you booked this one. You can't control him but you can control your responses. Hes a bully he wont stop until you meet his responses with clear calm boundaries.

I suspect that he’s worried about his own performance and is trying to do everything he can to make himself look better. So it’s not targeted against you, it’s what he would do with anyone in that role.

My suggestion would be that you focus on your own competence and ignore anything that he does, positive or negative. I suspect that he isn’t taking in everything - he seems to struggle with memory or process or something- as it’s also happening to his detriment (eg with the filing) as well as to yours (asking you to update on something he’d just heard)

So, I think that you could reasonably begin putting some sort of name/signature on documents which you create.

It’s worth you doing a bit of practice on presenting things so that if he asks for an update in a meeting unexpectedly then you feel confident. If he asks for an update before a big meeting say to him “why don’t I just update in the meeting so that everyone can hear it”.

Where things are happening regularly, I think that you can raise it like “which meeting room would you like this week?” Then book that one. Practice in the mirror saying “we are in the room you asked me to book” so that it becomes second nature.

I’d also consider cc’ing his boss into some stuff which demonstrates your competency. So that the wider impression of your ability is high.

Finally, I think some of this stuff makes him look worse than you. The fact that as a manager he seems to be struggling to get updates, rooms booked etc looks poor on him.

Practice starting every sentence with "as per our earlier conversation"

Especially if you haven't had a conversation then he'll think he's going completely mad which is what he deserves.

Thank you for these thoughtful responses, they’re really helpful. I can feel my blood pressure going down. I’ll definitely put these tips into practice.🙏

This actually made me laugh out loud 🤣 thank you for this!

He is incompetent and he's worried for his job. He is deliberately trying to put you down to make himself feel and look better.

Start going through things that he has said and write down how you can respond/react.

There's some good material online about how to respond assertively when someone is being an ass.

Do we share a manager? It is so frustrating isnt it!

The advantage of being the person who types the Agenda and minutes is that you're the person who types the Agenda and minutes.

Put what you want into the agenda to avoid it being consigned to AOB and if it's skipped over, add a section about it with an action to discuss further at either the next meeting or to discuss after the meeting (with your name for ownership). Same with RAG rating the actions for the next meeting - that way you know when you are going to need to give an update or if it's just to be noted.

Make sure anything you have done is noted in the minutes as you having done it as well.

It's not you, it's him.

You are being gaslit, doubting your perception of his intentions rather than confronting the reality of his behaviour.

How you respond depends entirely on your organisation's culture.

Call him out in meetings, look petty. Confront him, he'll deny it. Report to HR, seniority will close ranks.

Have you discussed informally with your line manager? Escalate your concerns, let them justify what's going on, or deal with it.

He doesn’t do agendas, that’s the thing. We may have slide packs if we are discussing certain things, or have documents I’ve drafted that are shared and reviewed but no agenda. I have brought this up countless times and he says it’s just creating more work. I have drafted one before but he said he didn’t want it.

Hahaha I can’t imagine another human being being like this, but then I read posts on here where men can’t even load a dishwasher so yep.

Call him out in meetings, look petty. Confront him, he'll deny it. Report to HR, seniority will close ranks

This! I did call him out in one meeting about the room but realised I looked petty and rude - as others don’t know the back story! - so didn’t do it again.

The issue where I work is, feedback is to direct line management so never anonymous. If I completed a 360 feedback on him he would know it was me, or he’d ask who gave that feedback. He has told me before he asked his line manager who gave him the negative feedback - it wasn’t me!

Start emailing him recaps of every conversation you have with him. When he asks why you are doing it, tell him its to avoid any misunderstandings, and recapture conversation too. He will stop bullying you because now everything will be in writing, and if he disagrees with anything, he Wii have to speak to you about it which will also be recapped. Once he knows evidence is gathering, he'll back off

I used to work with someone like this. Total arsehole who thrived on making out he was a charming subject expert. The only way to get him to lay off was to document everything in writing. Phone call? Follow up with a "as discussed" email. Every meeting followed up with an "as agreed" email - otherwise he'd take the opportunity to make me look like a babbling, forgetful fool. Luckily I didn't have much face to face alone time with him but learnt to avoid it as much as possible.

Challenge back - politely and with an impersonal smile.

If he moans about the room: What's the problem with the room Bob?

If he says you put the wrong room details on: Oh that's really weird Bob, because it says Room A on the invite.

If he asks for an update: No problem Bob, as I mentioned when I briefed you just before coming into this meeting etc.

If he shuts down something you want to raise: OK Bob, I'll take this offline.

Follow-up in writing. Keep it neutral and factual. But be consistent and persistent in challenging back and documenting everything.

Don't depend on anonymous feedback, because you are removing yourself from the conversation and the obligation on your line manager to react to what you are saying.

Can't you speak to your line manager, exactly as you have posted here? It might be incredibly awkward, but you have a right to be treated respectfully at work. Demand it.

Stop second guessing intentions and outcomes. You're giving this idiot man your power. He doesn't deserve it.

Don’t let it carry on. Nip it in the bud.

I had a manager like this. I was moved into a role in her team during a restructure as her manager wanted to keep me. My new manager had wanted to hire her own person and said that from the outset. She set about making my working life miserable in the hope that I would resign.

That included making me look incompetent in front of others by publicly ‘following up’ on things she had never asked me to do, refusing to give any direction as “I was in the role so I should know”, and trying to put me on a PMP by telling HR I “arrived late every day” even though I was always first in. The PMP never materialised, presumably because HR could find out when people used their access cards!

She made it impossible for me to do a good job and it was very stressful for that to feel completely outside of my control when I’m the main earner in the household.

OP, sending strength as this situation is no fun. The ‘nice guy’ persona is probably so you don’t complain. It does help to keep talking about it so you have moral support when he’s gaslighting you.

Make an agenda and send it to everyone, includong room booking etc. If he moans, he will look an ass