Addict family member - assault

[troubled25]

There is a member of my family who is severely addicted to drugs and alcohol. Its been an ongoing issue for years and most recently she has attacked 3 family members (one requiring a hospital visit) and is currently on remand. I feel so selfish but I really want to wash my hands of her. One of the people she has attacked is elderly the other someone who was just trying to help the elderly person. For years this person has bounced from job to job, friendship to friendship, constantly involved in some form of trouble - her dh must be at his wits end. I just feel so deflated with it. I spent the afternoon with 2 of the people who had been hurt and to see them trying to think of ways to continue helping this person, even after all she has done, is heart breaking.

I know addiction cant be helped, I've worked in bars and saw it first hand. I just cant bring my self to deal with this person anymore. She is belligerent even now saying that she cant remember, had been provoked etc. The prosecution service is taking it very very seriously as she used a weapon during her assault on one of her victims but this seems to have been bypassed everyone else. Her DH's attitude is that she needs help and he is hoping that she will be admitted to a treatment centre however - given what she has been charged with and my research, its looking to me like a custodial sentence. I dont want to be cruel to him but I feel like he is as much in denial as she is.

I'm so so angry with her. her DH wanted me to write a letter for him to take with him when he goes to see her (are you allowed to do that when someone is on remand? - this is in England) as he feels like she will appreciate some kind words from me. I just cant as i dont feel like I can lie. Im torn as I want her to be better but at the minute she wont accept she needs help and now she is physically hurting people as well as all the mental turmoil she put everyone through.

Part of me feels like I need permission to walk away but the guilt is massive.

You don't need permission to walk away. It sounds like her DH is enabling her and needs to toughen up. Maybe a custodial sentence will be the wake up call that she needs. Unfortunately, you can't do anything about other family members if they're not willing to take a stand but you can make your own feelings clear. You have no need to feel guilty, it sounds like a firm approach is what's needed here.

If she's in prison at the moment, he wouldn't be able to take anything in, just change to spend in the cafe .

Addiction is awful - truly - but it’s no excuse for violence. She has attacked a vulnerable elderly person and from what I’m reading isn’t taking accountability. I think a custodial sentence may help her. OP you don’t say if she’s held down a job but I’d say any career she has is over now. Where I am there is a fb page dedicated to court matters - a reporter literally sits in and takes down the happenings and then uploads it up to fb. Has what this person did been reported on??. If so good luck ever trying to hide it. You absolutely have to go with your gut feeling on this. I’d find it really difficult also to be around someone capable of hurting someone the way she has.

Thank you for your responses and sorry for my late reply its all been quite hectic. Ive decided to cut my ties. She has taken up so much headspace from me for years not to mention the emotional draining and I just want some peace from her. Ive told all others involved that I will not be engaging further either with her or about her as its having such a negative impact on me and has done for some time.

You have my permission op. Addicts are the worst! There is nothing you can do to "help".
It is on them.
Selfish, self-pitying wasters who destroy families.
Walk away. 💐

While she might have been so drug or drink addled that she lacked full capacity for her actions, the harm she has caused, and continues to cause, with her lack of remorse and accountability, remains the same.

People have every right to protect themselves from further harm, and refuse to continue to engage with her. And quite frankly, should!

She is not the victim here, she is the perpetrator, whether she accepts it or not.

She is not due 'kind words', or ongoing support.

She is getting what she needs - remanded in custody, to protect others from her, and to be held accountable for her actions. Hopefully, she will be offered some sort of treatment and therapy and will engage with it.

In Al Anon they say, detach with love, detach, reject.

No one can help an addict that does not want to be helped. When they are ready they will help themselves. Protecting an addict from consequences is the very opposite of kind, it only fuels the denial which facilitates the addiction.

Walk away without guilt. You are not responsible for fixing the problems of another adult even if they are not yet able to help themselves. Encourage the people who have been hurt to do the same before they are seriously hurt, or worse, and the addict ends up in prison for years.

thank you for saying that. I'm so angry with the people around her too also though who are basically facilitating her actions by refusing to challenge her or call her out on her behavior. Its helping the addiction. I have asked people to stop trying to have a conversation with me about her - its stress I don't need and its hurting me to be reminded of her. The levels of delusion are unmatched. I honestly feel like people are just looking for reasons for her not to take ownership of what she has done.

thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have received another call from her DH and I have been very direct with him regarding my feelings. I feel bad and relieved in equal measures now as although nothing I said was untrue, I still feel that I have caused him hurt.

I basically told him that I had no problem talking to him but that I wouldn't talk about his wife. That she had crossed a line that there was no return from and, whilst he could choose to stay by her side, I wouldn't. I also said that if he did stay with her that I would prefer not to be in touch as I wanted to completely distance myself from it all. He seemed quite shocked and I feel he was trying to guilt me into still keeping contact by saying things like "she's ill" etc. I cut that off very quickly and told him that she was dangerous and I simply wouldnt have her around me or my family.

I have said similar to my mum who agrees with me. I hope for her DH's sake that he takes on board what I have said and really looks at what his life might look like should he continue to stay. She is apparently still belligerent whilst on remand and has made "grass" comments in reference to the police being called. Its shocking tbh. Her DH is trying to minimise what took place saying it wasnt a stab, more of a shallow scratch (really then why did it require stitches?). Its just awful. No more for me though, I am done!