Is it possible to 'inflitrate' a friendship group (as an adult)?

[pettingzoo]

I've name changed as I realise this post might make me sound bonkers, and sad, and my previous posts are probably identifiable if you know me.

Anyhow - I live in a village and there's a group of women who, I'm coming to realise, have recently formed a bit of a 'gang'. They're all lovely. I know some of them pretty well. Have kids in the same class as some of them (although my kid isn't close friends with any of their kids). Would class some of them as friends (albeit not close ones). A few of them I don't really know at all. They don't all have one common denomenator (e.g. they're not all mums from the same year group at school).

Anyway - I really want to be in their gang. I know that sounds so tragic. But I do. I have a good handful of local close friends. But I really want a gang. And I really like them all and, I think, share common values and interests. I just can't seem to breech the divide from 'friendly acquaintance' to 'good friend' with any of them. I'll admit I'm not trying massively hard. But I do see them at wider/ larger social gatherings and I get the impression they like me. But also that they see me as someone who has their shit together and is 'impressive' ('cos a couple of them told me so), and possibly doesn't need friends? This isn't the case at all. I'm actually the opposite and it perplexes me that they think that of me.

Anyway - should I just stop torturing myself over this one (and stop following some of them on IG where I get to see all their beautiful social gatherings as a gang)? Or is there actually a way to develop my friendships with the ones I'm slightly closer to without it seeming like I'm desperate?

Invite one of them - whoever you know best - to do something, whatever you are into, exercise class and a coffee, wander round primark, a walk with the kids, literally anything. Then if it goes well organise something again, but say you should bring X (from friendship group) too! do this a few times and you should be in.

I did this two years ago with a friendship group I wanted to be part of and in two weeks I'm going on one of the groups hen do! It is possible :)

Thing is @HairsprayBabe i have done that. I’m actually in an extra-curricular group (think running club type thing, but not) with two of them so have shared experience that way and feel like we’ve shared our vulnerabilities etc. I’ve been on walks with one of them and had her and her family over for lunch. All of these things happened organically (not cos I was trying to infiltrate the gang!). But it’s not gone further iyswim.

Maybe they just don’t like me that much?!

Yes! Perfect advice. Invite one to something low key and take it from there. Good Luck! 🍀 Good friends are so important.

Get off Insta for a start.

Remember that things on the inside rarely are as they look on the outside.

Contine building relationships with them one by one or in a small group. Maybe ask the few who have kids in your child's school if they fancy some end of term drinks, for example.

I know, I know re. Insta @NuffSaidSam it really does nothing but make me feel terrible. I’m mostly there for recipes, but it is pure torture most of the time.

I agree start small invite one and take from there. I dont know op find these things take ages to get going. Was in walking group of 5 I just meet one now myself. Others do their own thing.

But also that they see me as someone who has their shit together and is 'impressive' ('cos a couple of them told me so), and possibly doesn't need friends?

The majority of friendships aren't formed because we think someone 'needs friends'.

And these women wouldn't have started out in 'gang', they would've formed friendships with one or two at first and it would've grown from there.

Maybe try that?

In that case the next step would be to invite them all - individually to the same event, a casual bbq or similar (with a few additional buffer people so you don't just look like you have invited the group)

Or just keep doing one on one/two things till you have built stronger bonds

i like the end of term drinks suggestion too

I’ve moved countries several times so feel a bit of an expert in making new adult friends.

You absolutely can “infiltrate” a group. It takes a bit of work whilst not making it seem like you’re working for it at all.

Concentrate on meeting people in small groups but when you meet in big groups don’t stick to your one or two.

always always say yes yourself (someone wants to see a film/band/play you’re not that interested into or go to a craft fair/sport event/ restaurant that’s not your thing, go anyway);

don’t worry if you’re the main organiser, someone has to be and it’s not a reflection on them not wanting to do stuff as long as they are saying yes;

concentrate on things where you can build confidences. I did Pilates for a year with a woman I really liked but it wasn’t until we started walking round the park once a week that we really got close now we go on weekend breaks every year.

Yes, the I'm having a bbq lunch would you like to come I was thinking of inviting x,y,z as well, kids welcome (if that isn't going to be too big to handle). Otherwise try inviting one or two who aren't in your activity group for a coffee, informal lunch, etc, so it's not just about the activity the ones you invited before may not have realised you were trying to widen the friendship beyond the activity.

In addition to the above and at the risk of invoking the wrath of the anyone who drinks more than two glasses of wine is a problem drinker crew, there is nothing like unexpected day drinking to bond friendships.

A few years ago I was invited to what sounded like a quite casual and quick lunch. Someone ordered a bottle of wine, when there was a question of should we really have another there was a pause and I said “we can always stop after this”. Many many bottles later we are now very firm friends.

It all depends on the group. I'm part of a slightly fractured group where due to house moves and relationships it's difficult to get together. One of us has a primary group of friends (other people) who regularly get together all the time. Occasionally she will invite one or two of us to something with her 'real' friends. They are nice enough, but in subtle ways they are not welcoming. They like their little group and I don't think they want newbies. I've taken the hint!

Yes if you see two of them at Not Running Club invite them both to something after it "Hey Susan and Sally after we a have been Not Running shall we get coffee/drinks" depending on what time of day Not Running takes place

If you have a DH tell him to make plans of an evening and invite a few of them over, "oh DH is away/out and I wondered if you fancied a girls night - feel free to bring Sarah and a bottle of wine!"

It's up to you to take some initiative here. I know you've said you do some stuff with one or two of them. You need to expand that to more of them, ideally a few at a time. Host something in your house.

Invite one of two of their kids for a play date or something with your child? Say you're taking your DC to this place or that place during the holidays, anyone else want to come? Obviously avoid getting yourself into a position where you become their emergency childcare and end up being used.

I broke into an established social group a few years ago by organising and offering the odd day out to somewhere of interest. I invited others, not just the target group, and slowly got to know a couple of the target group and was gradually absorbed into it. It takes time.

Ok thank you all. I need to put my brave pants on.

Daytime drinking is a great suggestion! I forged many a friendship that way back in the day.

Inviting some here - I’m worried that would look forced/ random? But I will try to think if I can curry up a spurious reason to do so.

Doing stuff that involves the kids is tricky due to friendship differences and also I have an older ND child that can make things complicated for various reasons.

Gin tins in the park after school are a great way to bond.

Blanket, tins, kids somewhere over there...

After school stuff is tricky cos I work. Also my kid isn’t really friends with their kids. So that means a lot of that organic hanging out doesn’t happen unfortunately. I’m really going to have to engineer it!

kids are just that bit older and friendship groups established. So I can’t really initiate play dates anymore - it has to come from DC.

But we have definitely done this in the past with one from ‘target group’ and it hasn’t gone much further really as while our kids are friendly, they’re not really close.

So yeah, stuff involving kids won’t really work I don’t think. Which makes it much harder to engineer

This is good advice. I’m inclined to stick to the people I know well when I’m in a big group. I need to get better at branching out.

Part of the problem is that I feel I have two modes - either surface-level chit chat (which I’m anyway not great at) or quite deep and meaningful/ heartfelt chats. And nothing in between. So I find it hard to go from surface-level friends to something more unless there’s a really obvious bonding moment or thing in common.

I think what you are doing is fine, keep doing it! It takes time to form bonds in adult friendships. We moved to a new area ten years ago and we're firmly established with the crowd in our local pub. But it's happened very gradually over the ten years, often getting to know one or two people at a time. I think you are doing great from the sounds of things, just keep going and be patient.