What red flags did you notice in your worst relationships?

[Lilcrazyop]

Posting here for traffic and just curious really as there’s all this talk about red flags which is important but I’m interested to hear what your ex partners were.

Started with him trying to get me to not wear make up and comparing me to an ex who didn't wear any - but he didn't have much good to say about her overall, except to try to make me feel jealous.

One night when we were walking home from the pub and arguing about something he shoved me, didn't hurt me, but gave me a start. Should have ended it right there. Complimented my friend's looks in front of me - just keep that shit t yourself mate, I knew what he was doing, trying to neg me and just ignored it.

It all ended with him trying to strangle me. I never gave in to any of his attempted coercion, and would always argue back - the night he choked me I had shouted back at hiim after he shouted at me then walked away and slammed a door in my face, we were home alone at his dad's house as his dad was away on holiday.

That was, obviously, the last night I ever spent with him, I was young and stupid, but not THAT stupid. I honestly have NO IDEA why I put up with him as long as I did, it was like 8 months. Absolute waste of time and effort.

But I learned and have never let anyone treat me like that again.

I didn’t even notice a sexual assault was a red flag and I stayed with him another 7 years!

I didn’t see signs of his autism ( probably because my Father is the same so was almost certainly undiagnosed autistic). Just thought sometimes he was inexplicably odd or hurtful, but outside of that he openly adored me and we had great fun together.

I could list all the things but I don’t want to as it will out me. But the biggest red flag that underlines all his behaviours, and which is true for anyone regardless of NT/ND is this, how does he/ you both handle it when there is something you disagree on. Because if you can’t have a civil discussion where you both listen to and take into account each other’s perspective and agree on the way forward, your relationship will eventually fail. This is the single most important factor in a relationship, and it doesn’t matter how brilliant and loved up you are in the rest of your relationship, if you can’t civilly and constructively handle disagreement together, your relationship will end up miserable

Also to make someone feel seen, heard and understood, is the greatest gift you can give someone. This is essential in a successful relationship too.

So, I hope someone reading this takes it on board. Don’t end up as me. It’s wretchedly miserable and it can be avoided.

We were kids really, but he flat out ignored me one night where we'd arranged to meet; he had his mate with him and I had mine. Only spoke to his mate and mine and not me. This was him starting to play the games.

Gaslit me in our dating days. It wasn't called that then. I remember he made me feel quite shit quite a lot, but I still married him.

He was a recovered alcoholic and he used his past addiction as an excuse for anything he did wrong, absolving him of any consequences. If I did something wrong I had to face the consequences.

He also loved attention (he's an "actor") and that was really difficult to deal with as an introvert.

He was genuinely shocked and in disbelief when I told him that women masturbate and some even gasp enjoy sex. I had to explain the difference between a dildo and a vibrator and he was disgusted.

I was his first long-term relationship (he's early 40s).

He was a hypocrite.

When he hit me around my face.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't end it for several more years.

There’s one that has always stuck with me, even though it doesn’t sound the biggest of deals.
Ex husband/father of my children; I was 21 and a student living at home. We’d probably been going out for about a year at this point.
My family home was very close to an airport and I used to work part-time there as a student. One day, I couldn’t really be bothered seeing my ex and fancied a day at home with my family. So I walked to a public phone-box (remember those?!) to call him and tell him that I’d been called into work. I knew that he’d give me such a hard time for not wanting to spend the day with him.
Likewise, he moved down to London for work after graduating, while I was finishing my Honours year in Scotland. I fabricated my finish date to be later than it was, so that I didn’t have to join him straightaway.
Amazing how it’s only looking back - with the benefit of age and experience - that I realise this wasn’t quite normal.

Absolute selfishness - I could give about a billion examples of this; followed up by chronic gas-lighting when challenged. Going to the birthday party of the colleague he was trying to shag on MY birthday weekend, and expecting me to drive him and pick him up.

Literally laughable now!

Trying to control what I wore 'Oh I bought you this to wear on Friday when we go out' [insert tacky revealing totally inappropriate clothing option here] and then be stroppy if I didn't comply.

Incredibly pressurizing regarding intimacy including frequency and coercion to do things I didn't want, again, very stroppy and 'wounded' if I rejected.

A couple of accounts of physical violence.

Generally just a very low quality human being who masked very well and sadly I think justified/reconciled his own bullshit with himself.

The thing is when you're 'in it' you don't see it so clearly; time and space created a more panoramic view of the situation.

I cannot believe the person I was then - trodden down and mentally on the floor. I wouldn't recognise myself now..thank god. All a very long time ago luckily!!

Tried to control what I wore
Shouted at me if I didn't want to or was unable to have sex because of my period
Random outbursts of utter viciousness that didn't seem related to anything at all (eg I bought a melon in the supermarket and he snarled at me)
Very unpleasant to his mother
A history of couch-surfing (we were students) rather than working to pay rent
Cried when I wouldn't have anal sex
His mother asking me if he treated me well (she was worried)
Violent (in his parents' home not at me) when I split up with him
Sent me very unpleasant letters after that

Luckily he put me off controlling men for life. He was a valuable lesson.

He didn’t speak to me for three days - I had just had our first baby, and was super hormonal, and couldn’t stop crying. When I asked him why, he just
said “You should know”. It transpired he had overheard me say to my mother that I always hoped she would arrive five minutes early and that MIL would arrive five minutes late, (but it actually it always happened the other way round). That was just the beginning. My DPs were manically anti-divorce, so I decided OK, I’ve made my bed, I’ll just have a hustle of kids and my life will be one of mother. Sadly it didn’t quite work out like that: he ended up being violent and we got a divorce (which he made as difficult as possible). There were many red flags, amongst which control and dishonesty, but as a dear friend of mine once noted of people in relationships, there’s none so blind as those who will not see. If your DP does something that causes you to raise your eyebrows, or that your friends query, listen!

Not me, SIL.
It was only when the relationship was FINALLY ending, that she told us some of the things from the early days. The one I remember most clearly is that he would ghost her if they had an argument and do so in a way that had her worrying he'd done something - there'd be shouting and screaming, then he'd basically threaten to end it, then he'd tell her that she thinks he's such a terrible person find, he'd leave. Then silence for days.

And when he came back, he'd pitch it as him being "triggered" by their argument because of his childhood trauma and she had to be sympathetic to how he'd felt suicidal almost for those days.....

Seemingly uncharacteristic tantrums, which were then blamed on mental health issues.

This was two partners. One would be verbally abusive and sometimes chuck things around, one would come out with entry level misogyny/manosphere talking points, when he knew that I'm a staunch feminist.

I gradually realised that they were permitting themselves to allow their nasty sides out in an attempt to get me walking on eggshells, but I would be a terrible person to object because of their mental health issues.

Weird then, that in both cases this side to them didn't show for at least six months, so they were capable of keeping it under control for that long. "Can't help it" my arse 🙄

I’ve never had a bad relationship; but lovebombing has always been the enormous waving red flag for me during early dating: telling me how I’m different to every other woman you’ve met after a month, that you’re falling in love with me, talking about how we’re meant to be together. Nah, dude, I’m not different and you’re not in love with me - you’re just desperate to love somebody and have a relationship, and any woman will do.

That, and lots of crazy or abusive exes / every relationship which ended was totally not your fault in any way. Anybody who can’t acknowledge their own faults and the part their behaviour may have played in a relationship breakdown lacks insight and the ability to take responsibility for their actions and has poor emotional literacy.

Being really uncaring when I was ill.