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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Step daughter from hell advice please I'm desperate!!!

17 replies

Lottery50 · 06/07/2025 22:44

Been with adult partner who's unwell many years, I work I support us both financially do the housework etc etc, he's very good with my adult children and ageing mother and I love him very much, just one issue, his daughter 25 own good job boyfriend house etc, in every way own life but she is extremely needy at times, we help her in whatever way we can and I have always said kids come first to a extent, I've tried everything with his daughter days out meals out visits kindness and whilst I absolutely get she needs one to one time with her dad, they go to days out and events together just next month they are staying overnight in a hotel and going to a pop concert fabulous don't mind one bit!, recently she snapped at me I told dad to have words as she is often rude doesn't speak to me, ignore me etc dad had words apparently I'm abit weird haven't done anything wrong as such but she told me she doesn't want to have contact with me or play happy families, I was extremely put out but respe9her wishes told her I would leave her alone,not contact her and dad would see her alone, ace fast forward few weeks now has decided she wants to go for lunch and chat after all the hurt and argument I have told partner no I've no wish too she doesn't want to know me and she upset me she cannot click her fingers I'm really trying to be the bigger person here but my mental health is a mess I have been under crisis teams along time and her reaction to me hurt me alot caused me alot if upset I just want to be left alone, surely she has to accept that saying those things to me was rude disrespectful hurtful and boomf click my fingers buy me lunch all is well agagin I cannot do it atm I just carnt

OP posts:
FourLove · 06/07/2025 22:49

It's understandable that you are hurt OP, but this lunch invitation suggests that DSD recognises something is wrong and wants to find a way of being more friendly. She has behaved badly, but possibly her parents' break up was very upsetting for her and she hasn't yet recovered enough to trust you.

TheAutumnCrow · 06/07/2025 22:50

I can understand that you need a break from a stressful situation, OP.

How much does your DP know and understand about your mental health issues? Will he accept that you need to put your mental health first, and that his daughter (who is an adult of 25 years) needs to wait a while before you are ready to see her again?

Perhaps your DP can tell her to back off for a while.

BookArt55 · 06/07/2025 22:50

Stick to your guns. You need time. You need to prioritise yourself and your needs. Maybe in the future a relationship can be built, but at this time you are hurt by her words and actions, and as an adult she can either respect it or not, by she drew the line in the sand and you're sticking by it. Her behaviour sounds like a spoilt brat. Rude, inconsiderate, expects everyone to jump when she says.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 06/07/2025 22:52

Your partner is unwell, can't work or do housework but can go to gigs. Yet you're so unwell you're under the Crisis team and are doing everything in the home and financially. This doesn't sound right OP.

Obviously don't do anything that affects your mental health further. Have a break from her if that's what you need to do.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/07/2025 22:55

Is she the sort to apologise? It’s not the impression I’m getting but maybe I’m reading that wrongly. I have a feeling this lunch will be her telling you all your faults as she perceives them and expecting you to just take it. If she wants to talk to you there’s no need for it to be over lunch, she could pick up the phone. If you really can’t face it right now I think you’d be reasonable to say so. I’d probably soften it a bit by saying that you won’t bear a grudge and hope to reconnect with her in the future, just at the moment your mental health is very fragile and she inadvertently made it worse so you need to protect yourself.

FlamingoFloss · 06/07/2025 22:59

She’s done you wrong but be the better person and go

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2025 23:01

MiloMinderbinder925 · 06/07/2025 22:52

Your partner is unwell, can't work or do housework but can go to gigs. Yet you're so unwell you're under the Crisis team and are doing everything in the home and financially. This doesn't sound right OP.

Obviously don't do anything that affects your mental health further. Have a break from her if that's what you need to do.

With bloody great bells on.

I’d consider taking a break from him too. He’s dragging you into the ground and going off on jollies while you’re literally in crisis. How would your mental health improve without him sucking you dry? His horrible daughter can look after him and pay his bills. You’re not married, you have your mum and your kids, life could be much nicer and easier.

When did you last go to a gig or have a fun night away?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2025 23:02

FlamingoFloss · 06/07/2025 22:59

She’s done you wrong but be the better person and go

Dear god no. Being a better person is prioritising yourself when you’re struggling, not being a door mat for someone who hasn’t bothered to even be civil until now.

Hoardasurass · 06/07/2025 23:02

FourLove · 06/07/2025 22:49

It's understandable that you are hurt OP, but this lunch invitation suggests that DSD recognises something is wrong and wants to find a way of being more friendly. She has behaved badly, but possibly her parents' break up was very upsetting for her and she hasn't yet recovered enough to trust you.

She's 25 not 12.
It's about time she learned actions have consequences and if you treat people like shit they'll want nothing to do with you

Ilovemychocolate · 06/07/2025 23:03

Fuck that!
See her when YOU are ready!
And as above, why are you doing everything when your partner is able to go to gigs?!

Mumofteenandtween · 06/07/2025 23:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2025 23:01

With bloody great bells on.

I’d consider taking a break from him too. He’s dragging you into the ground and going off on jollies while you’re literally in crisis. How would your mental health improve without him sucking you dry? His horrible daughter can look after him and pay his bills. You’re not married, you have your mum and your kids, life could be much nicer and easier.

When did you last go to a gig or have a fun night away?

Who pays for all these gigs he goes to with her?

Bananalanacake · 06/07/2025 23:19

Is he getting help for his illness or is he happy to watch you work yourself into the ground and do all the housework.

WiganWoman · 06/07/2025 23:35

@FlamingoFloss er……no.
The way you’re putting it is that the op is being abused and disrespected and she shouldn’t make a fuss.
Stuff that! The op should meet the DSD when she is good and ready. She hasn’t treated anyone abysmally, and she’s struggling. The DSD is out of order. Be the bigger person my arse……,

Bufftailed · 06/07/2025 23:43

Oh this is grim. But I think you need to dig deep, go along and be open.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 06/07/2025 23:55

She doesn’t sound like the step daughter from hell tbh. She sees her dad, is self sufficient, just doesn’t want a relationship with you. You forced the issue in telling her dad to have a word, and she wanted to go no contact (you clearly feel this was unreasonable). Now she’s ready to meet you want to be no contact (is this in retaliation or because it’s actually fine to take a step back so you acknowledge she had that right too?).

It is completely fine to prioritise your own mental health, but you can’t hold a grudge about when she did it.

Ohthatsabitshit · 07/07/2025 00:32

It’s fine just to say maybe in a month or two.

OliveWah · 07/07/2025 01:44

I assume the lunch date request came via your DP, in which case I would send your response the same way. I think it's totally fine to say that you have found the recent development in your relationship with your SD upsetting, and that, along with caring for your unwell DP, being financially responsible for the two of you and being the only one able to do all the cooking and cleaning have all taken their toll on your mental health, and you're not currently in a good place. I'd say that while you appreciate the gesture, you need some time to focus on building your MH back up before you feel able to discuss the breakdown in your relationship with your SD.

Hopefully if you frame it like that, it will give her the nod to understand the impact her actions and words have had on you, and that you are expecting some sort of apology whenever you are ready to meet with her.

You should definitely take some time for yourself, it sounds like you do a lot for other people, but you can't pour from an empty cup. Flowers

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