AIBU to be not be able to handle DH’s moods?

[TheBerry]

I should start by saying DH and I are basically fine. Not sure we’ll be winning any couple of the year awards, but we care about each other, coparent pretty well, have similar political and moral beliefs, etc.

However, I really really struggle with his moodiness / grumpiness. He’s a very stressed / highly strung person generally, which leads to migraines and insomnia, and it’s a bit of a vicious circle. After much trial and error we have found some medication that helps a bit with the sleep (with a positive knock-on effect on everything else), and he’s also finally having some stress management therapy which is maybe helping a little with his mood.

But even so he can get very stressed about all sorts of things - understandable things like work, and also inconsequential day-to-day things which shouldn’t be a big deal - and unfortunately I do find it difficult to be around him when he’s like that. The atmosphere becomes so taut, and in the past he has taken his stress out on me and been very irritable. To his credit this has improved a bit since I’ve spoken to him about it, and I do genuinely think he makes an effort not to snap at me or blame me for random things now, but unfortunately I still just find the atmosphere so unpleasant and feel like I’m on eggshells.

I know it’s my own flaw that I feel so affected by his moods, and I wish I could compartmentalise a bit, but instead I find myself becoming probably overly cheerful to try to compensate for his bad mood. I just start feeling anxious he’s going to be short with me, which is something I’ve become increasingly sensitive about over the last couple of years, and for some reason I think if I’m very sunny it’ll sort of rub off on him, but obviously that’s not the case. I just feel desperate for him to be sort of gentle and kind towards me and I can’t handle it when he’s not like that. There is actually nothing I can do or say to bring him out of a mood - in fact, the only thing that has ever really worked is if I’ve lost my temper and snapped myself. Then he often seems quite contrite for a while. Obviously I don’t want to be like that, though, so all I can really do is wait for the stressful situation to pass him by.

When it does, it can be like flipping a switch - he’ll become chatty, good-natured, banterous, and it’s honestly such a relief. It feels like I’ve taken a drug or something and I feel a million times better and like everything is ok again.

But what should I do when he is in a mood?? I should just be able to accept it’s not about me and not let it affect me, but it does, and I don’t think I can change that. And equally I don’t think he can change who he is, at least not drastically. And that’s fair enough - it’s not like he shouldn’t be allowed to get stressed just because I can’t handle it. So, should I just remove myself from the situation when he’s like that? Just go to bed or go and do something in another room?? It’s not like me being around him or trying to talk to him will help in any way. So maybe it’s best for both of us if I just give him space and wait it out?

So yeah I guess:
YABU - it’s natural to get stressed sometimes, and you need to not make it about you and find a way to support DH
YANBU - it’s ok to have your own boundaries and remove yourself from the situation if it’s making you feel bad

It really isn't a flaw to be affected by his frequent moods, you are bending over backwards to accommodate him. It's not healthy, nobody should be on eggshells around their partner.

He IBU to take his moods out on you. He’s the one who needs coping mechanisms.

He is unreasonable! Not you.

on a side note my husband is similar to yours especially with the stress and sleep. What is he taking that’s helped a bit?

Melatonin! He’s tried so many things - mirtazipine, different antihistamines, herbal remedies, other stuff I can’t remember, but melatonin has been a bit of a game changer actually.

He really does try not to do that any more. I might have made it sound worse than it is. It’s more now that he’ll be stressed about something, and you can hear it in his voice and see it in his face, and yeah he’ll perhaps be a bit short/blunt when he speaks to me, and I just find even that difficult to handle. I think I’ve just become hyper-sensitive to anything like that now because it was even worse in the past. But I can’t expect him (or anyone) to just be happy-happy the whole time. So I think I just need to kind of… not engage with him too much when he’s stressed? Wait for the storm to blow over?

If my husband is being a miserable moody twat I let him know. If there’s a genuine problem we need to talk about it, if it’s just general irritability he gets told to stop making everyone else bloody miserable.

Stop pandering to it.

You have to learn to not care. At the moment you are trating his feelings as though they are important and you need to do something to make him feel better- which you can’t. So ignore it. Treat it like weather. Dress for it, work around it and get on with your day.

It’s hard because you care, and usually when someone is upset we need to comfort them. But this is different. This can’t be comforted. It’s constant. Let it wash over you.

My experience suggests he’ll feel better too because it takes pressure off him.

Are you hyper vigilant? Did you have an erratic parent you had to be careful around?

Basically either he is safe so you can safely ignore his grumbling, or he isn’t.

And one way to manage it is to have better boundaries. This isn’t your problem, you don’t need to fix it so stop paying attention to it.

My relationship with my now DH was rather like this when we first got together. He suffered from severe stress, and got frustrated easily when things didn't go the way he wanted, and then would sit and silently broad, until it usually ended up with him getting angry and shouting, even throwing and breaking things. Like in your situation the only other thing that would sort him out was if I got angry and shouted back. It was almost as if the shock of it brought him out of the mood. At one point things got so bad, that I told him he needed to sort it out, or I would leave as I couldn't cope with walking on eggshells any longer. The next day he got himself signed on to an anger management course, and also got some antidepressants. This made a world of difference, as instead of stressing and going into a mood, things seemed to float over him a bit more, and made him better able to cope. We've now been together for 33 years, and the older he's got the better he's become, the biggest change being when he was finally able to give up work altogether. These days we are always laughing, and I'm so glad that I issued the ultimatum that made him get help. Has your DH seen a doctor about this at all OP, if not, then do you think he could be persuaded?

Did you have a similar parent? We tend to learn these kinds of coping mechanisms in our childhoods; placating difficult parents in order to control their moods. As an adult you are finely tuned and do it without thinking.

I would wait until he's in a good mood and explain how I feel and ask him to find ways of dealing with stress. Exercise, meditation, therapy whatever, he needs to take responsibility and sort it out.

In the meantime I'd brush up on my assertiveness skills and boundaries.

How long do these moods last? If he’s permanently stressed/on a short fuse/not sleeping, he may need anti depressants. That’s exactly what I was like when I was diagnosed with depression (I’d assumed it couldn’t be down to depression because I wasn’t crying all the time)