DH shoved DS

[Harock]

Just need to get this down really, I’m shaking.

DH’s eldest son (from a previous relationship) died nearly 2 years ago, anniversary’s this week. He was 6 and a half years older than our DS. Died of a drug overdose, we still don’t know if it was accidental or deliberate. No note, nothing. DH never had therapy or talked properly about it. Just shut it all down.

We’ve got a joint DS who’s 15 now. He’s had some counselling through school, they weren’t really close but they were still brothers. There’s always been a bit of a distance between them cos of the age gap and not living together full time, but DS was really shaken when it happened.

So earlier today DS was chatting to me saying he feels weird with the anniversary coming up and doesn’t know if he can manage school that day. Wasn’t being dramatic or anything, just honest. DH overheard from the hallway and completely went off.

Stormed in and started shouting, saying he is going to school and that he can’t “use his dead brother as an excuse”. Then he said he was being selfish and “you didn’t even care about him when he was alive”. I was gobsmacked.

DS looked crushed and just started crying. DH shoved him hard in the chest and he stumbled backwards. Then DH grabbed his keys, shouted that he’s going to work that day and DS is going to school “end of”, and stormed out. Been gone for hours.

I honestly can’t believe what I just saw. DS hasn’t said a word since, just went to his room. I don’t even know what to do or how to talk to him. DH has never done anything like this before but this was completely out of order.

I know he’s grieving but this isn’t ok.

Wwyd?

This isn't OK.

I am also a bereaved parent, and I get that birthdays and anniversaries are hard, but he cannot take it out on his living child.

If he comes back and is apologetic and upset about it, and if your ds forgives him, I would try and work things out.

If he comes back spouting more of the same and prioritising his grief over the complex grief of his child, then I would absolutely kick him out.

Exactly what Repo said.

Also, go and comfort your son.

I'd be having serious words with DH about that behaviour. Completely unacceptable!

I am absolutely gobsmacked that he thinks its ok to shove his 15 year old child for the crime of expressing emotion at his brothers anniversary... what 15 year old boy wants to break down crying at school - particularly as he is now getting older and is more able to understand the circumstances surrounding his brothers death.
I know your DH is grieving too but his behaviour is so far out of line if you do nothing to correct it then you are showing your ds you are complicit in it.

I think that unless people have lost a child in such terrible circumstances they shouldn’t be commenting about how the DH should have reacted,
OP, this could be an indication of the state of yourDHs mental health especially if it’s out of the ordinary. Rather than being mad at him, try to listen to his reason for this outburst.

I think I would use this as evidence that he needs to access therapy. I would push this quite hard as a non negotiable as it isn’t fair on your son for him to do otherwise.

Your DH is really not coping if this incident is right out of the blue. @InWithPeaceOutWithStress is right - use this as evidence that he needs therapy and make It clear that this is non-negotiable.

i think this. But also your son needs to know that you know this is absolutely unacceptable. And i dont know how you do that and stay with your dh.

No he doesn't get to assault his child.

I’d be telling dh to stay somewhere else that night and potentially the next few till he calms down at a minimum.

I think perhaps it’s a bit lonely for him, you didn’t lose a son so you aren’t at the same place as him with grief, you say yourself your son wasn’t close to his son so again not the same grief. I don’t know of that makes any sense.

Your husband shouldn’t have laid a hand on your son, he needs to talk to someone about it. I think losing a child has to be one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person and he needs someone to talk about it with.

I agree your DH shouldn’t have shoved your DS but like a PP has said, unless someone has lost a child like that how can any of us know where he is mentally. I hope I never know. I seriously cannot imagine anything worse. So whilst this is not acceptable, I think options to deal with it for me would be supportive and constructive and trying to help repair things. Absolutely go to your DS now and check he is ok. When DH comes home also check if he is ok. Counselling for all would be a good idea, especially for DH.

My son almost died last year. To the point hospital told me to get family in etc it was horrendous and traumatic and my son thankfully didn't end up dying so I can't imagine how much worse it is when they do actually die.

All that to say though, shoving another child is completely out of order and shouldn't be condoned. You need to protect your child, OP.

Explanation not excuse.

I disagree with you. There is no excuse for shoving a child and making them cry, unless the shove was to get the child out of danger (for example pushing them out of the way of a car). Shoving someone is assault. If he wanted to, the DS/wife could call the police and have the father arrested. Of course that would escalate matters hugely and would be something that would have unavoidable consequences. BUT that's the fault of the person doing the shoving.

In this situation it appears the DH hasn't yet figured out how to manage or understand or control his grief/guilt/anger etc. If he hasn't put the effort in to doing so then for his own sake he should do so. Sadly the only person who can make that happen is himself.

One of the awful things about this situation is that getting shoved by one's father, and being ostracised or treated negatively while a dead sibling is put on a memory pedestal is precisely the sort of hurtful behaviour/treatment that can lead to a child being depressed/upset and therefore more vulnerable to looking to drugs for solace.

I truly hope that the dad figures this out and manages his emotions far better. And that he works on his relationship with his living son. I also hope the DS is in a safe place now, and realises that it's not his fault that his father treated him like that. I also hope that the OP gets the support she needs in this grotty situation.

Your husband's acting out and taking his grief and anger out physically on your teen son. He assaulted him and said something horrible to him and your son is going to be hurting. Your son probably should talk to a therapist ASAP.

Your husband, I'd be giving him the choice to go to therapy or separate immediately. He's coming up on the 2 year anniversary of his son's death and he's not handling his grief at all and he really lost control there. You have to keep your home safe and he's not safe.

There is no excuse, none, not a single one that makes this in any way ok.

Tell him to get out and keep your son safe, or take your son with you and keep him safe. Do not allow this bullying violent prick anywhere near him till he has accepted full responsiblity, apologised and given you a cast iron guarantee he will NEVER behave like this again.

Is he always a violent bullying prick when he's upset or is it just this once?

Oh, and keep your son off school, obviously. In fact the two of you need to spend the day together.

Go and support your son. Message your dh and say you’ve always tried to support him in his grief but pushing his son crosses a line and he needs therapy now. You can no longer support him until he’s getting therapy.

He stormed in shouting at the boy, accused him of never caring about his dead brother, reduced him to tears and said he had to go to school regardless and THEN he shoved him "hard in the chest" and he stumbled back. He did a lot more than cross a line and grief is not an exuse to get physically violent and abusive.

Your DH is trying desperately to pretend nothings wrong so he's obviously not coping with his grief. He needs to talk to someone who specialises in grief councilling Op. His actions were very wrong but he's in deep denial, he needs help

I agree? He needs to be getting therapy immediately to stay in the family unit.

Does your son have form for wanting to miss school for all sorts of reasons? If he does then I can see more clearly why your husband was so upset with him. If he doesn't then it makes it even worse. I agree your husband needs therapy and he needs to sincerely apologise to your son.

Comfort your son… you don’t need to know the right thing to say. Just show him you love and care for him by trying.

as for your husband…. I think that all depends on his reaction to his own behaviour. Remorse and effort to sort self out is one thing…. No remorse , blaming others and not addressing his grief is another

Your poor son.
What a nasty bullying prick he is to pick on him like that.

If he doesn't apologise I would tell him to leave.
He doesn't get to treat my son like that.

As your son grows his understanding of the enormity of losing his brother can grow.
Grief is complicated.

Tell your husband to sort himself out but your son is not his emotional punching bag.

You have every right to be appalled by this.