Does anyone else have a prent obsessed with looks?

[Wildegeese]

EDIT: title of post should say 'parent' ffs

I was wondering if anyone else struggles with a parent or parent-in-law who is obsessed with appearance, looks, prettiness and being found attractive by men. I can't be the only one.

My MIL never stops talking about how she wishes she knew how pretty she was when she was younger, and that she enjoyed showing off more and wearing flashier clothes. I know pretty privilege exists but she believes in to the point it's magical thinking; like if you are pretty enough, you automatically get everything handed to you without moving a finger. She has some kind of fantasy that her life would be amazing and problem free if she knew she was hot in her twenties.

I'm 30 and am a full time carer for my husband who is housebound by a chronic illness. This means I am more or less housebound too, and I rarely leave the house for more than an hour and even then it's to get a prescription or cat food. I have to be home to take care of him.

When I tried to talk to my MIL about how hard this is and how I feel lonely and unfulfilled, she then started asking me why I don't dress up and look nicer. Because I'm at home all day every day, I largely wear a T shirt and sweatpants or jeans because I know I'm not going anywhere and I will spend my day doing stuff around the house along with whatever work I can fit in around my caring work.I'm not a slob; I work out every morning and shower, so it's not like I've completely 'given up'.

She essentially said 'you should be dressing up because then you'll feel amazing and you won't be unhappy and your life will change'. She said I'm wasting being young and pretty. I wish I'd said 'If I'm wasting being young and pretty it's because I'm a housebound caregiver, not because I'm not wearing a pretty dress'.

Given what I said at the start of this post, I should have seen it coming so that's on me. But it made me angry all the same (not that I told her). It just felt like I was being told again that no matter what I'm going through, trying to look hot is all that really matters.

It made me feel like such a failure. Not only am I living through a really hard time watching my husband suffer every day but apperently I don't look good enough while I'm doing it and that's an issue.

I'm sorry to anyone else out there that has a MIL or parent figure who makes them feel this way. I feel your pain.

Your MIL is out of her mind, a nice flowery dress and some make up won't make you being your DHs carer any easier. It's her DS you're looking after, has she closed her mind to how ill he is or how hard your life must be?

It’s all about her, not about you. Her own regrets.

She’s being pretty annoying but don’t let it make YOU feel bad. Ignore it.

I know people think the WI is just for the elderly (not true), but there are now a number of online WIs who are anything but.

You could join one (or more) and meet interesting, supportive women who have interesting speakers and have other interesting and lively Zoom groups.

It could open up your world a bit @Wildegeese (oh, and they don't give a toss what you're wearing!)

I'm happy to point you in their directions if you're interested.

She's being thick, I'd ignore her.

My parents (mid 70s) are like this. They are so fattist. I pull them up all the time. But they are always commenting negatively on people’s appearance - especially weight. Including mine (I’m thin). Apparently people at their gym are outrageous for going in the hot tub with their ‘fat fannies’ it’s so so gross apparently. So fat people can’t enjoy the pool and hot tub?? It’s like their mere presence is offensive.
my mum has an eating disorder and weighs herself 5 times a day. I just eyeroll now.

ignore your MIL - she’s being a dick.

You spend your days looking after this woman's son.

How much does she contribute to his care?
How much does she co tribute toward respite for you?

I'd be tempted to tell her she can take her pretty clothes and makeup and shove it all up her arse.

This.

She is so shallow. It’s so sad for her to believe that what you loo’ like is more important than what you do.
I would not want to have much to do with her at all.

so sorry to hear about your DH state of health and how much he needs you

I agree with other posters. Does your MIL ever offer to look after her son to allow you to have a break and get out of the house? She sounds superficial and self absorbed.

She sounds horrendous OP. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I would honesty just tune it out: it's her hang up, not yours and you won't be able to get through to her so I'd just nod and smile and then move the conversation on.

My mother was far from perfect but one of the things I'll always be grateful to her for is that she instilled a strong belief in me and my sister that looks were a bit of an irrelevance. It has served me very well in life: I've always been able to distance myself from this sort of nonsense and treat it with the contempt it deserves.

OMG yes! MIL specifically. She's a nice person, but slightly obsessed with looks, in particular in relation to my DDs (she never had a daughter, only a son).

Literally every time she sees her, she comments on what she's wearing, how beautiful my DD is (I mean she is, but she's sooo much more that what she looks like) and talks about how she misses "the male gaze" now she's older. She used to send pics of other family members to my DD (when we lived further away) and say things like "isn't Mary beautiful?" (This is to a 5 year old!) and try and give her make up at the same age.

I'm used to it now, but she STILL looks me up and down whenever she sees me and hasn't given me a compliment (not that I want one) since I put on weight 🤣

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied- I can't believe how kind everyone has been.

And yes- I think it is more to do with her own issues and what she feels she didn't get as a young woman. All I can really do is not react and maybe say 'I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted', which is perhaps what she wants to hear.

And thank you @Nanny0gg - that does sound like something I might like! I go to a Zoom poetry group whenever I can and it makes such a difference to my mental health.

OP, be proud of yourself! You don't need pretty clothes and make up, you are obviously a beautiful person inside and out, and it's clear that you care more about your DH than you do about anything else. Does your MIL ever give you any respite? If not, then please ask her to! If she refuses, or makes excuses then I would tell her that she's not welcome in your home, as your life revolves around loving and caring for her son, not worry about what clothes to wear, so unless she wants to help with that, you have more important things to do. Sending a hug your way!

I would imagine this is a coping strategy- distraction, projection- for some complex feelings about her son's condition. Guilt maybe at your and his predicament. People don't necessarily meet distress and unexpected troubles with kindness, she is probably angry at the world and firing off into things she thinks she CAN control.

So given that it's her son who's housebound and disabled, is she encouraging you to go out and be "hot"? Very weird. Maybe you could get her to help out with care if you tell her you need the time to go to the beauty parlour!!!

https://www.thewi.org.uk/join-and-support-us/become-a-wi-member/virtual-wis

Although obviously geography is mostly irrelevant, it might be nice to pick one not too far away

And you can 'visit' to see what you think first.

My parents are generally lovely people but they have a massive thing about weight. The first comment they’ll make is if you’ve lost weight and they talk about others losing weight like they’re winning some weird game they i didn’t realise we were playing. Otherwise they’re normal it’s very strange.

im so sorry about your husband you sound an amazing wife ignore your MIL!

I know someone like this, everything relates back to looks.

For example, someone we know got diagnosed with cancer and it was 'such a shame, she's so pretty' no mention of her kids or family or anything! This happens all the time.