Aibu for being pissed off with DH over swimming lesson

[whitehear]

So he works Monday-Friday, usually leaves around 7am and back about 5.30-6pm. I work Monday-Friday 9.30-2.30. He works away quite a lot as well as being at home.

So I am the one who does everything regarding kids and school plus housework and cooking. When he gets home everything is done, he doesn’t have to do anything. Even on a weekend I’m the one who’s up with the kids first and giving them breakfast. I don’t mind this, I’m not one for staying in bed. He usually gets up an hour later than us. He does take both dds out Sundays to his mums for about 6 hours so I can get all the house cleaned and have a bit of time to myself. He goes for a run 4 times a week and usually out of the house for about an hour.

Sundays our oldest dd has swimming lessons at 9.45am. He takes her. He’s just said to me, we can start taking it in turns taking her, let him have a rest.
Aibu to be pissed off with him saying this? This is literally the only thing he has to do.

So he works/commutes 11 hours 5 days per week and does 6 hours of solo childcare (or does gran do it really?). So ‘works’ for the family 61 hours p/w

you work 5 hours a day 5 days a week which is 25 hours p/w, how many hours of cooking, cleaning and solo childcare are you doing? If it’s more than 36 then he should do more.

What a charmer.

Can you do alternate Sundays if he chips in more during the week?
I appreciate he is out of the house all day, however if he's not doing owt to help during the week and still manages to get (4, I think you said) runs during the week, then he's potentially taking the piss?

Watching this with interest. My situation is similar although my DH has never said that!! I work part time, he’s self employed which means long hours. I do almost everything. Most of the school and nursery runs (I drive, DH doesn’t), childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning, swimming/activities, all on me due to working fewer hours. He goes to bed later, sleeps in later. I feel a bit let down but he does work more. I feel you OP.

Start looking for work that pays commensurate to his salary and let him know you are actively searching and that once you find it, you will expect him to truncate his hours and do the housework and childcare so that you can focus on your career. You need to do this because you are finally awake. Now that you are awake, it will be only be a matter of time until you will no longer be able to tolerate your situation. Start preparing yourself before that happens.

If you need to take classes or get another degree to move up in a career, do it, but make sure at least one of those classes, or your study group, are on Saturday mornings during swim class.

This is good advice. You need to protect yourself financially.

6 hours at his mums means he is most likely chilling for that time while you are busy at home.

Maybe you could take her swimming but he should get on with the cleaning.

“Great idea about it splitting things. I’m looking forward to having 4 hours to run a week or splitting the 4 hours in half”

Wow!! I can’t believe he said that!

My husband works full time. A physical job. I work 14 a week (2 nights a week shifts)

My husband does basic chores if he sees they need doing. Helps out with big clean ups (I have a toddler who makes more mess than I can clean 🤣) washes his own clothes. He does bath time every day. Takes her swimming every Sunday.

I would say what he does is standard for a man with a child.

Basically he goes to work, comes home and does nothing other than running 4 nights a week, get a lie-in on a Saturday and let’s his parents look after the kids for 6 hours on a Sunday? Is that about right, apart from the swimming lesson on a Sunday?

FFS, what a charmed life he leads, the lazy t**t.

What about cleaning the kitchen and washing the pots after you have cooked for him or putting the children to bed and reading to them, so you can wash the pots. He can cook on a Saturday or Sunday and when you take it in turns doing the swimming lessons, he can do at least an hours worth of cleaning.

I think wanting to do swimming every other Sunday is fair and reasonable. However I’d only agree to it if I was also getting a lie in once a weekend (one lie in each would be fair) and if all the housework was split equally over weekends too.

Who the fuck are these creatures? 😫

Can’t you teach the children to fix their own breakfasts so that you can have a lie at the weekends? Many people set it up so that children can get themselves up on the morning from quite a young age. It’s good for helping them build independence skills too.

With swimming, it is possible to get after school lessons so that may be a better fit. It can be a drag getting up so early for a child’s activity.

I am not unsympathetic towards you. He should be stepping in sometimes and have some household chores (ie if you cook, he sorts the dishes etc). That said, I understand his perspective. Those are long hours he is out of the house for and must be very tired. Could you not compromise and say he takes them one Sunday and then the next weekend they go to granny’s so you can both spend some time together and rest? Or as someone else suggested, you take the children but he takes a turn with the housework tasks you would usually do?

That is so untrue unless you are both over 60. Nowadays most men pitch in with all household chores and childcare. The majority of families with 2 parents are usually both working.
You have let your household setup go on for far too long and now its hard to try and undo things and evenly balance things out.
Tell him you will alternate Sundays and take your children out for 6 hrs whilst he does all the household chores.
I bet he is sitting on his bahooky at his mums whilst his mum is running around after her grandchildren and feeding them all sunday dinner.

Ah, so he's sexist as well as being lazy.

Hold the line on this OP. You're already doing significantly more than your fair share. Don't let him carve away any more of the little time you do have.

If he carries on with this nonsense, write out a list of everything you do - work, chores, childcare etc and the hours you spend doing it. Then do the same for him. I guarantee it will show that you're carrying far more of the load than he is and getting much less leisure / free time than him. Then tell him you're happy to alternate swimming when, and only when, he has already freed up an equivalent amount of time in your week by taking on some of the load you're carrying.

Probably like he literally wouldn’t do the things that need to be done - which a man like this wouldn’t!

And OP is still working every day - until she collects the children. So he’s not bearing the whole financial responsibility at all.

@OP your update shows he is breathtakingly unreasonable. As others have said, sexist and misogynistic as well as lazy. He does realise you work as well?

And why does he need a second lie in on Sunday as well as Saturday? When I’m guessing you get up before him anyway.

This all needs a massive reset in terms of him doing more and you getting more time to yourself. It’s not fair in particular that you are doing all that housework on a Sunday and he does none. And whilst you do it, he’s gone to his Mum’s and she’s probably fussing round him and looking after the kids for him!

Stop doing things for him. Dont do his laundry. Dont clear his space at the dining table. Don’t cook for him.

stop cleaning the house.

and don’t take the children swimming on Sundays.

take up running & go out 5 mins before he does so he has to stay with the kids.

go away for a weekend soon on your own. Even to a friend to do nothing….

this life is not sustainable unless he also pulls his weight at home.

you work, what 2 or 3h less than him per day? So you work a 75% contract?

do 75% of the childcare & house hold duties from now on.

Keep a list for the next 8 weeks.

compare notes with him. Every week to enable transparency & he can add what he thinks is missing.
incl the invisible stuff like planning meals or holidays or kids clothes.

I'd have someone to clean once a week.

Explain everything to him exactly like you have done here.

Wow, real Prince you’ve got there!

He works 10ish hours a day, you work 5ish. I think 5 hours a day should be enough to get everything done. Or you could work full time and cut his hours to take up some of the house hold load to make things fairer?

But OP is also working in that time - she’s looking after their kids!

Yes, this.
Before resentment sets in and decisions are made, how much (more) is he earning?
Take it from there, if he speaks like that, I'd assume he takes most of the financial burden.
Just thinking practically.

I didn't say he was bearing the whole financial responsibility, i said the majority. People are very quick to dismiss the stress that comes with having to pay most of the bills. He's working extremely long hours as it is and then also helping out at the weekend.