To not want to have sex with my husband anymore...

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have not had sex in 1 year. There is a long back story as to why. He always had a low libido and frequently did not want sex. I was always the only one working on it, reading the books, buying the lingerie etc. We have been together 26 years. This is a longstanding problem of over 20 years duration. In the last year things shifted and now I'm the one who doesn't want it:

He found counselling notes (and therefore found out I had been seeing a counsellor) saying that I felt sad/sick at the thought of having sex with him, because we had been completely sexless for four years prior (his choice). I felt disconnected from him emotionally due to this and now did not want sex even though he again did.

He then admitted during a chat about it that he had not wanted to have sex with me during those four years because I weighed 154 pounds at 5'6 (a UK size 10-12) after having our second child. I eventually lost it to my normal weight of 128 pounds (a UK 6-8) and he then found me attractive again. MUCH HARDER second time around.

It was devastating to learn that after having his second son, and during those four years nursing my mother to her death, also losing my father, and working to support our family after he was made redundant, that my primary worth in terms of my attractiveness was measured by around 25 pounds. He did not acknowledge our wedding anniversary or take me to work functions or awards nights or anything during this time. Zero romance and essentially I was part of the furniture.

As soon as I lost the weight, the attention came back full throttle, with almost all the overtures referencing my weight loss.

The kicker is that he was very overweight himself, he has now lost about 15kg but is still more overweight than I was (by BMI) when I was apparently too disgusting to have intimacy with. And yes, we are still married and I feel it has destroyed my sexual and physical self-esteem. Basically I just can't bring myself to find him at all sexually attractive anymore and he feels like a stranger in this regard. Nothing I do works. The one time a year ago we did have sex I dissociated the entire time and was shaking afterwards. I don't want to leave the marriage because of my children.

TLDR: My husband sexually rejected me for four years over 2 stone in weight, now that I have lost the weight, I don't want him. AIBU?

Gosh OP I'm so sorry. I'm not surprised you don't want to be intimate with him, his behaviour has been so disgusting.

Is he in any way recognising how awful he has been? Is he trying to make it up to you?

You don't have to stay in an awful marriage, even if you do have children. You deserve better.

Bonkers. Did you know he was this shallow when you married him? That would be it for me.

He didn’t fancy you because at a size of 10-12 you were too big?! He sounds pretty nasty to me.

Yeah that would kill everything for me.
I know it's difficult with children but I would consider leaving.

It sounds like the marriage is over to
me- having these issues for 20 years suggests something really deep rooted.

I think if you really want to stay for the kids (and I’d be question whether that really is the best thing for them) you probably need to accept that it’s going to be a sexless marriage and work on that basis. If you don’t want to have sex with him
and he doesn’t really want sex with you then it might work. But would either of you be looking for intimacy outside the relationship?

It's not just regarding the sex that he rejected you though is it, Op? Ignoring anniversaries? Not taking you out?

He sounds awful.

Just thank him for finally being honest because now, obviously, you have no qualms about honestly telling him that you no longer find him attractive and it isn't because he is overweight, it's because you find his dishonesty and shallowness repellent.

He sounds like a shallow, selfish man. It would kill any desire for him stone dead for me too.

Thanks everyone that has responded so far....yes it was devastating. Why are men like this?

I don't think men are like this. I think your DH is like this :(

I'm so sorry, and hope you manage to find joy in other parts of your life

Sorry OP but I’d be looking to leave him regardless of the DC. Not because of the lack of sex, I genuinely think that’s overcomeable in some circumstances and also that married couples with kids go through peaks and lows. But that’s not the case in your situation. He sounds like a terrible person. My first ever time saying LTB on mumsnet. You are worth so much more.

Well clearly leave him.

His main factor of valuing your worth is that you are a size 6 to 8? Not a person, not someone to love, certainly not someone to show physical affection to. You're only worth something if you are stick thin?

There really is no point continuing with someone who so completely sees you as just an object is there?

OP he isn't very nice and completely unworthy of your heart searching over the state of your marriage. I would ask him to leave.

You are no longer attracted to him primarily because he is a hypocritical shallow arsehole who rejected his wife because at a size 10/12 she was too overweight to meet his ridiculous standards of female attractiveness after having a baby.

What is his excuse for his weight gain? I would never have sex with him again, because he is unkind and selfish, not because he is overweight. I don't think that there is any coming back from this. I would think about leaving the marriage.

So sorry OP. He sounds utterly hideous. Do you believe him? He sounds shallow and emotionally insecure. Maybe the excuse is a lie? Could he have been having an affair and so getting sex elsewhere? Maybe it's now ended and he's back on the prowl with you? The way he's treated you is controlling and Id look to build a better life without him. Good luck x

Men are not like this, he’s not a good person.

Personally, I would never feel comfortable living under the same roof as him, never mind have sex with him. He would never ever see me vulnerable ever again.

You deserve better. Unfortunately it sounds like the marriage is over. I beleive it is better for children to grow up witnessing a loving partnership, not tolerating a toxic relationship. I would leave.

Shocking that he didn't want to have sex with you when you put on weight FROM GROWING HIS BABY when he is more overweight from simply eating too much.

He sounds awful OP! No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. Completely understandable

Also agree with pp, men in general are not like this - he is!

He could lose all the weight he’s gained but that won’t make his personality any different - what a fickle and shallow prat he is.

OP you deserve better. You can’t stay in a relationship that really isn’t a true loving relationship because your kids will soon notice how miserable mum is.

Get yourself out. You deserve better

Who knows? Some women behave in a similar fashion. Why are they like this?

Except, let’s face it generally it’s not women behaving in the same appalling way is it? How could it be?. It’s not the man giving birth, gaining pregnancy weight, run ragged being the primary carer often for the kids often whilst working/doing most of the housework, nursing elderly parents and not being supported by their OH except to have sex withdrawn because all they’ve noticed throughout this is ‘my OH is fatter now’. 🙄

I have wondered this and also whether he might be gay or bi and that is why he has this thing with more androgynous looking women I don't know I just can't figure it out

Some men really prefer women with small, childlike bodies. I wonder if this applies to your husband, because at your 'heaviest', you were really just a bit plump, and it's strange that he had no interest in you then. I hope you resolve this in a way that benefits you and your children.

This man is a disgusting, shallow and hypocritical little prick. No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. I would feel repulsed aswell!

YANBU as I don’t want to have sex with your husband either. Only joking, but he sounds so petty. Twenty pounds makes almost no difference overall and the fact his entire libido would be destroyed by that says a lot about his psychology. Can you imagine this man caring for you if you fell ill? He run away from any sense of negativity, he’s not the one.