To think a friend going through a difficult time shouldn't be expected to provide updates

[LostShepherdsPie]

I have a friend of almost 20 years, have pretty much stayed in touch, albeit sometimes less so, all the way, weddings, children, housewives etc

About two months ago I had a awful argument with my DH, which actually got physical, alerted police, there were bail conditions and all sorts I never thought I'd ever experience in my life - all of which I would rather not focus on in this particular post.

I had messaged my longest standing friend about this immediately (just saying call if you are free) but knew that she's not v good with responding to her phone so didn't go into details, deleted message after a few hours as I didn't want to get into a long convo whilst phone line had to be free to deal with police calls etc the next night we ended up speaking on the phone for over an hour, I was incredibly exhausted by the time she had called but went into a lot of detail , explaining my fears that I would be on my own with my DC for the whole half term, potentially longer , family don't know anything about what happened and I don't know what the next steps are. This was Sunday evening. She sent me one text on Tuesday morning asking how I was and I responded I was at soft play activity with other mums, couldn't call her back but would speak to her that evening. That evening toddler was a nightmare putting to bed and I was shattered so I texted her to say I'd call her the next morning, which I did, and she didn't pick up. Normally I might have tried again later that day or evening but I had so much to deal with I thought on this occasion she can see my missed call and simply call me back when she's free.

Almost 3 weeks go by and I don't hear from her.

When she finally does call me bright and breezy telling me that her half term was non eventful (the same half term I was on my own with DC) with a comment like ....so like, yeah what happened with you and DH...are you like, getting back together or ...?

I flipped, I said I'm pretty shocked she hasn't thought to check in or even ask how I was and she turned around and said but she did check in and I was the one that went quiet and wasn't telling her anything!!!

So in this situation am I expected to reach out repeatedly and provide updates on my situation and call repeatedly to let a friend know how I'm doing?

Well yes she has checked in on you, she listening to your phone call going over it then text the next day. If you were so bothered to talk why didn’t you reach out to her again after you called and she didn't pick up? You can’t be upset when you didn’t get in contact with her for three weeks. Seems a bit petty tracking how many times someone checks in on you. Seems like she was giving you space not everyone likes attention on them when they are dealing with issues.

You’re going through an awful time and I think you might be directing some anger toward the wrong person.

She could have dropped a text. But she did call. She may have felt uncomfortable repeatedly checking in when you must have so much on. I think you are not unreasonable to think she could have done more to try and offer support, but to “flip” is a bit much.

Where did she ask you to call her ‘repeatedly?’

I had a similar difficult time.

most of my friends just ghosted me as they didn’t want to know.

your friend actually stepped up more than any of mine.

I agree that she's tried to give you space, while trying to get in touch. Some people would prefer the bright and breezy, as said, you are misdirecting your anger/hurt. Are you struggling with childcare? I don't get the angst of being on your own over half term.

You dumped all that on a friend, and she supported you and now you’re having a go at her? Sorry for what your husband did, you should leave him, but it’s not your friends fault!

I am so so sorry for what you experienced and endured @LostShepherdsPie Honestly though from experience I have learned that this level of trauma is not for friendship.

I have been on both the giving and receiving end of it and both directions it does not go well. I had years of a friends gloving through their trauma with me when I was pretty fragile myself and none of my friends could cope with my trauma so it wasn’t for conversation.

Friends don’t know what to do with that level of stuff as you saw from your friend’s reaction and because I experienced how hard and isolating that was that people couldn’t cope with your stuff I really was there for my friends with some very deep stuff but it became extremely overwhelming after long periods of time with some pretty big issues. I really think this level of trauma is best spoken about with people who are trained to give you what you need from them. Again I’m sorry for what you are experiencing.

Though I think one text to ask 'hows it going?' isn't much in terms of support or really counts as checking in, I would have overlooked that as I know we all have busy lives, what I cannot accept (as the first PP mentions) is this assumption that if I I'm the one going through a crisis than it's down to me to repeatedly call her, eg I called her Wednesday morning and she didn't pick up so am I then expected to call her again..and again and prompt her to get in touch with me? If she wants to get in touch with me she shouldn't need me to invite her to do so

My friend said she didn't get in touch with me because I went quiet...but what was I supposed to do exactly?

And @Batbrown I am thankful my definition of friendship isn't to leave someone alone when they are dealing with a lot. A friend of 20 years should know you well enough to know what you need.

But not everyone is the same when dealing with things. It might not be your definition of friendship but it appears to be your friends.

I think you’re being a bit harsh on your friend. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but being cross about her level of support for you just means you’re pushing away someone who apparently you were close enough to call while it was all happening.

Yes she could have called you sooner but she has a life too - her half term may have been uneventful but she still probably had her kids around within earshot for the week and presumed you also had your kids around during the day and potentially your H listening in of an evening. I’d have waited for you to pick a convenient time to talk to me too.

And it’s probably precisely because she didn’t want you to feel like you had to provide her with updates that she left it for you to contact her on your terms. As you didn’t, she did reach out and asked how it was going.

I think yabu but I do understand that its a difficult time for you, so I know thats a bit irrelevant. If you value her friendship I would reach out and explain that you went off at her because you feel alone and adrift and maybe try to meet in person for a chat soon?