MIL Issue

[Helbel1977]

Just back from a short UK break away with my family DH and 2 DDs and MIL.

DH and myself have been having quite a bit of problems within our relationship lately. On this holiday MIL picked up on the tension between us and ask what was going on. I told her my side of what was happening nothing making her son out be be the bad guy just my views. She basically told me that I was lying and looking for an argument finding faults ect. I feel that I was just being open and honest since I thought that we had a good relationship and she could maybe advise us. I feel so upset I thought that she knew me better than that.

What would you do now, I feel like pulling back from the relationship with her no more holidays no more going out of my way to help her out.

Hard to say because no one knows the context or truth.

I think what happens in a marriage, stays in a marriage. Unless you’re talking to a trained counsellor on a professional basis, don’t discuss your marriage with others.

Well - 2 big mistakes herre:

• your MIL's was to say anything
• yours was to badmouth your OH outside of the marriage, even though you say it was "just my views."

You have both overstepped a line here and I have no idea how you can go back from this. Things will never be the same.

I had the most amazing mil. Even after I split with her deadbeat DS she was always there for her grandkids and I can't fault her. However, when push came to shove blood was always thicker than water and however much we got on and she was a great GM, I never forgot that

What would you all do going forward? I feel that I give her alot of support that right now I feel I don't want to continue doing.

Step back.

ultimately she will take her sons side so don’t give more than you want because she won’t clearly give the same back.

Your mistake was confiding in your MIL about your marriage problems - however you phrased it, she's obviously going to take it as criticism of her son!

If you don't want to support her going forward, then don't. You don't need permission from others to do what you want.

You are hurt by her cold and judgmental tone. I would be too. It was a mistake to confide in her but she has also shown she doesn’t have the maturity to play mediator.

I think you just pull back and stop being the warm and giving perfect DIL. She has shown you that she will treat you like the problem at the drop of a hat.

Thanks everyone, I can't believe I got this so wrong, I honestly thought as I've had a really good relationship with her and she had noticed something wasn't right it was OK to be honest with her. To be honest Ive been feeling that shes been relying on me a bit too much lately. Probably will work out for the best in the end..

Let us hope so. It sounds as though a bit of distance might be best all round. It sounds as though you have been a bit too close with your MIL and wires have got crossed.
I think you need to concentrate now on trying to solve the current problems in your marriage.
I hope you can resolve these.

I think YABU for assuming that she’d do anything other than take her son’s side. I can see why you would think she’d see your side, if you have a good relationship with her and have supported her in the past - but I think it’s important you realise now that she’s always going to put him first. And therefore you hold back in your relationship with her and keep her much more at arms length, don’t share the details of your relationship struggles with her, and don’t give her more support than you need to do to be polite/keep things civil. Sorry it’s a brutal wake-up to how she really sees her relationship with you!

Your dh is her son, she will always favour him so she’s not the person to talk to about your issues. If you split she would likely not continue her relationship with you .
There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back though it’s understandable you feel betrayed but now you know where you stand.