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Original poster

Feeling unable to deal with certain friends

15 replies

pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 18:35

I have a wide group of friends. I suffer with anxiety and am getting to the stage where I don't know how to deal with certain situations.

One issue is a friend I met through work about eight years ago. She is now retired. We were very close and even went on holiday together but since January I haven't heard a thing from her. I did message her to ensure she is OK but she has been active on social media and she's not contacted me at all. We didn't fall out or anything and I still wonder whats happened but it seems she doesn't want any contact. She had a good sense of humour when we were friends but she could also be snappy and critical for no reason.

The other issue is with a circle of friends I have. One of them I have been friends with for over thirty years and she can be awkward, she wants her own way a lot and doesn't believe in compromising. I used to be very weak and give into her but now I am more assertive. One of our other friends, who is eighty five, has always been wary of her too.

The awkward friend has developed a friendship with a old school friend and they are joined at the hip and won't go anywhere without each other. If I arrange to meet this friend on her own, she brings along the other one without asking me first.

So this awkward friend and myself arranged a day out the other week when I was on leave (she no longer works), she invited another friend of ours and this one who she's joined at the hip with. I then said it would be a good idea to invite our eighty five year old friend along seeing as the others were going. She agreed but this friend was upset that she hadn't thought of inviting her anyway and felt it was because she can't walk very far and this awkward friend expects people to walk miles with her all the time and never considers what they don't want to or can't do.

Anyway our older friend (lets call her Joan) is going through a difficult time at the moment and is getting a divorce and her husband and daughter are conspiring against her. She said for us to meet up again, three of us, and not invite the awkward friend and her twin because it would end up revolving around them. So just three of us met up the other day. But then Joan was saying she felt guilty for not inviting them. Usually I would remind her that she said she didn't want them to come along anyway but I know her state of mind is fragile at the moment and it will be easy for her to say one thing and then another.

Do I say anything to her? Also I don't want to fall out with the awkward friend, even though Joan says she doesn't know why I haven't dropped her before now. I now feel I ought to invite her along to everything but she makes me feel left out. When we had that day out she asked her twin friend about going out the week after but never asked me, even though I was there with them at the time.

Also the friend from work, should I just leave her be and move on? I hate falling out with friends but all this is bugging me and making my anxiety worse. I want to be able to deal with it without it bugging me so much.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you.

OP posts:
Smoothout · 05/07/2025 18:36

You had a thread about the friend retired not messaging you, yes?

Smoothout · 05/07/2025 18:37

All these women are in their 70s and 80s?

Sounds like the plot of a Richard Osmond book

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 18:42

Smoothout · 05/07/2025 18:37

All these women are in their 70s and 80s?

Sounds like the plot of a Richard Osmond book

No not all that age.

OP posts:
Smoothout · 05/07/2025 18:47

You have started dozens of threads about friends, and all negative

maybe just step away from friends for the time being

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/07/2025 19:18

OP, I recognised your quandary about the first friend. It is really awful I think I said at the time losing a female friend, when you have no idea why, is horrible. You did try and contact her, just once, and she’s not got back to you.
Your anxiety is clearly prodding this issue but it’s the anxiety that’s governing your thinking, not the ex friend. Leave her be.
This is just my opinion, I am just a few years younger than you, but I only meet one friend at a time now. People do get set in their ways, they can be awkward, they can be pains in the arse and when you try and add a few into the mix, it is just exhausting.
I once thought older ladies all had these lovely, gentle friendships but to be frank you can get Mean Girls in any era. They add a bit of nasty to the knit and natter.
Concentrate on meeting one friend at a time. And then you don’t have to worry who likes who.
I know anxiety makes these feelings worse, and you play it all over in your mind, but they are just thoughts.
And again, I have found a female friendship ending akin to grief, so go easy on yourself.

JaneEyre40 · 05/07/2025 19:23

pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 18:35

I have a wide group of friends. I suffer with anxiety and am getting to the stage where I don't know how to deal with certain situations.

One issue is a friend I met through work about eight years ago. She is now retired. We were very close and even went on holiday together but since January I haven't heard a thing from her. I did message her to ensure she is OK but she has been active on social media and she's not contacted me at all. We didn't fall out or anything and I still wonder whats happened but it seems she doesn't want any contact. She had a good sense of humour when we were friends but she could also be snappy and critical for no reason.

The other issue is with a circle of friends I have. One of them I have been friends with for over thirty years and she can be awkward, she wants her own way a lot and doesn't believe in compromising. I used to be very weak and give into her but now I am more assertive. One of our other friends, who is eighty five, has always been wary of her too.

The awkward friend has developed a friendship with a old school friend and they are joined at the hip and won't go anywhere without each other. If I arrange to meet this friend on her own, she brings along the other one without asking me first.

So this awkward friend and myself arranged a day out the other week when I was on leave (she no longer works), she invited another friend of ours and this one who she's joined at the hip with. I then said it would be a good idea to invite our eighty five year old friend along seeing as the others were going. She agreed but this friend was upset that she hadn't thought of inviting her anyway and felt it was because she can't walk very far and this awkward friend expects people to walk miles with her all the time and never considers what they don't want to or can't do.

Anyway our older friend (lets call her Joan) is going through a difficult time at the moment and is getting a divorce and her husband and daughter are conspiring against her. She said for us to meet up again, three of us, and not invite the awkward friend and her twin because it would end up revolving around them. So just three of us met up the other day. But then Joan was saying she felt guilty for not inviting them. Usually I would remind her that she said she didn't want them to come along anyway but I know her state of mind is fragile at the moment and it will be easy for her to say one thing and then another.

Do I say anything to her? Also I don't want to fall out with the awkward friend, even though Joan says she doesn't know why I haven't dropped her before now. I now feel I ought to invite her along to everything but she makes me feel left out. When we had that day out she asked her twin friend about going out the week after but never asked me, even though I was there with them at the time.

Also the friend from work, should I just leave her be and move on? I hate falling out with friends but all this is bugging me and making my anxiety worse. I want to be able to deal with it without it bugging me so much.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you.

OP...life is short. Presumably you are an older lady, over 65? Do whatever makes YOU happy and fuck the rest of them. Majorly overthinking this situation.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/07/2025 19:25

I now feel I ought to invite her along to everything but she makes me feel left out.

Why do you feel you should always invite her? Do you all live in a very small place so she'll find out?

I would meet up one to one, or look for new friends altogether.

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 20:10

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/07/2025 19:18

OP, I recognised your quandary about the first friend. It is really awful I think I said at the time losing a female friend, when you have no idea why, is horrible. You did try and contact her, just once, and she’s not got back to you.
Your anxiety is clearly prodding this issue but it’s the anxiety that’s governing your thinking, not the ex friend. Leave her be.
This is just my opinion, I am just a few years younger than you, but I only meet one friend at a time now. People do get set in their ways, they can be awkward, they can be pains in the arse and when you try and add a few into the mix, it is just exhausting.
I once thought older ladies all had these lovely, gentle friendships but to be frank you can get Mean Girls in any era. They add a bit of nasty to the knit and natter.
Concentrate on meeting one friend at a time. And then you don’t have to worry who likes who.
I know anxiety makes these feelings worse, and you play it all over in your mind, but they are just thoughts.
And again, I have found a female friendship ending akin to grief, so go easy on yourself.

Edited

Thank you for your helpful reply. Sometimes its hard to see these friends one at a time as one of them always has the other one with her which does get quite annoying. I may have to suggest that we meet up on our own more often as she can, and does, see this other friend a lot. The other two friends I have, we get on well and all like doing the same things so this group does work.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 20:11

JaneEyre40 · 05/07/2025 19:23

OP...life is short. Presumably you are an older lady, over 65? Do whatever makes YOU happy and fuck the rest of them. Majorly overthinking this situation.

Show quote history

I am 63. Yes you are right, I do overthink things a lot which is part of my anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 20:12

PullTheBricksDown · 05/07/2025 19:25

I now feel I ought to invite her along to everything but she makes me feel left out.

Why do you feel you should always invite her? Do you all live in a very small place so she'll find out?

I would meet up one to one, or look for new friends altogether.

We live in a big city. She probably wouldn't find out but its our other friend who feels guilty when she's not invited, even though she often doesn't want her to come along.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/07/2025 20:19

Stick with the fuss-free friends then. And tell the one who feels guilty to meet the awkward one in her own.
When you describe the one who always has the other one with her, sorry for laughing but i
pictured Dame Edna Everidge and her sidekick Madge. Hope that raises a smile!

SlightlyTooMuch · 05/07/2025 21:21

Smoothout · 05/07/2025 18:47

You have started dozens of threads about friends, and all negative

maybe just step away from friends for the time being

Yes, I recognise this poster too. Lots of posts about different friends and friend groups, all full of endless negativity. OP, genuinely, friends are supposed to add pleasure and enjoyment to your life. If you can’t find a way of coexisting with other people without this endless negativity and overthinking, I think you should take a step back from your friendships for a bit. Try to work on your anxiety.

JaneEyre40 · 06/07/2025 17:28

pussinboots61 · 05/07/2025 20:11

I am 63. Yes you are right, I do overthink things a lot which is part of my anxiety.

Show quote history

Are you in a place where you could see a therapist. It might be nice to discuss how you're feeling with a professional.

Daygloboo · 04/08/2025 01:18

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/07/2025 19:18

OP, I recognised your quandary about the first friend. It is really awful I think I said at the time losing a female friend, when you have no idea why, is horrible. You did try and contact her, just once, and she’s not got back to you.
Your anxiety is clearly prodding this issue but it’s the anxiety that’s governing your thinking, not the ex friend. Leave her be.
This is just my opinion, I am just a few years younger than you, but I only meet one friend at a time now. People do get set in their ways, they can be awkward, they can be pains in the arse and when you try and add a few into the mix, it is just exhausting.
I once thought older ladies all had these lovely, gentle friendships but to be frank you can get Mean Girls in any era. They add a bit of nasty to the knit and natter.
Concentrate on meeting one friend at a time. And then you don’t have to worry who likes who.
I know anxiety makes these feelings worse, and you play it all over in your mind, but they are just thoughts.
And again, I have found a female friendship ending akin to grief, so go easy on yourself.

Edited

I think this is a good idea. I also used to see one friend at a time but then got into a work friendship group. It was nice but inevitably harder to organise than a one to one. I think I much prefer just one person at a time. It gets too complicated otherwise.

autienotnaughty · 04/08/2025 05:24

Friend 1 - has moved on , it’s tough not knowing but you have to accept and respect she doesn’t want to tell you.

Friend 2 - if she’s awkward to be friends with are you sure you want to be friends with her? Do you like her other friend? Are you happy to meet in a group? The not inviting Joan is a non event, not everyone has to be included all the time and it sounds like she was fine with you inviting her. How did you invite Joan? For her to feel excluded it must have been managed poorly? A simple “we are meeting on x date would you like to come?” Should have sufficed.

Joan- I’d be wary of getting into a thing of deliberately excluding people, not everyone has to be included but to intensionally not invite certain people is mean and may make you look like a poor friend.

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