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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice please

20 replies

Popcicle123 · 05/07/2025 07:52

my DD 16 was in a large friendship group last year, my DD is a very quiet shy but a really sweet girl. 2 of the louder girls happened to have a big fall out and the group split. My DD tried her best to stay friends with everyone but generally stayed with the smaller group she was more friendly with. The other groups ringleader had a bit of an issue and was a bit miffed my DD hadn’t chosen her group but my DD continued to be friendly.

over the past year the group my DD stayed with has broken up/just fizzled into doing different things so my DD has been spending a bit of time with the other part of the group, the miffed girl has been a bit off but others are nice,

my DD thought it would be nice to do something together on last day of school so she asked a couple of the girls if they had plans, they said no, so she sent a message to the group saying would everyone like to come to mine for a bbq, we have an outdoor pool near our house so they would go there too. Most girls replied saying yes.

1 week later my DD gets a message from miffed girl saying we won’t be coming to yours as we are going camping and you can’t come. My DD was really upset. The next she said to one of the girls why didn’t u tell me about the camping when I asked if u had plans and the girl replied oh she only asked us last night. The girls are all a bit scared of the miffed girl as she’s so moody, so all bar 1 girl & another who is thinking about it are going camping now. My DD came home really upset. I was fuming and I ended up putting post on fb just saying why can’t girls be nice to each other, why can’t they just include one another and be kind. My post didn’t make any names. A few of my friend commented saying oh sorry to hear xx is having a rough time and other generally supportive messages. A friend asked what had happened and I said DD tried to plan something nice but someone ruined it for her, again naming no names.

The miffed girls mum happened to see the post a few days later and my DD has been told her mum is complaining to the school coz I’m accusing her daughter of bulling my DD. The mum has also tried to call me several times last night, we were at a family occasion so I didn’t pic up. She messaged me this morning to ask if I can call her and very very bizarrely she’s also messaged one of my friends (who commented on my post) asking what it’s all about.

maybe I shouldn’t have posted on fb but it was just a general moan about kids.
can I have advice please. How should I handle this? Should I phone the mum back? what should I say? Please be kind, I’m so stressed I’ve made things worst for my DD

OP posts:

Dontwanttobeanebsnamum · 05/07/2025 07:58

But it wasn’t just a general moan.

Icanbuymyselfflowers86 · 05/07/2025 07:59

Sorry but you have handled this all wrong. Posting on Facebook was immature and won’t help at all.

You should be empowering your daughter to realise that she doesn’t need to chase relationships with people who don’t value her or respect her.

This was the opportunity for a life lesson.
Teenage girls can be awful at times and at 16 you don’t have much control over their actions but your daughter doesn’t need them. It’s better to focus on less but stronger connections rather than be part of the group if they’re going to be like that.

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 08:05

SM has a lot to answer for! It was silly to get involved and even sillier to put out a post like that, but I'm sure you realise that.

Firstly, take a screenshot of what you posted. Secondly ask what she wants to talk about -do this over messages (so you have evidence if she does go to the school rather than managing her daughter's bitchy behaviour). If she mentions the post, tell her it was a rant about a situation that's upset your daughter and since there are no names, why has she taken umbridge? Oh because she knows her daughter's being a little cow? Maybe deal with that then, rather than taking umbridge at a post on SM that in no way names her!

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 08:07

And yes, the correct response would be to say 'sod them' (privately!) To your daughter about the ones being silly and to have fun with the ones that aren't drama magnets.

Original poster

Popcicle123 · 05/07/2025 08:29

Thank you. Yes I do realise it was immature to post on fb. Something just snapped, I wouldn’t normally do that and actually don’t use fb very often at all. One of my friends actually said I thought it must be serous before you put something public on fb. I have screenshot my post and have now taken it down. I have spoken with DD about finding new friends as these girls aren’t real one. DD is very sensible and knows this but it still hurts at the time

OP posts:

YellowGrey · 05/07/2025 08:31

Well it was silly of you to post on FB but you know that. Now you have two choices - either delete the post and deny it was anything to do with this girl, or own it and tell the girl's mother that your DD is upset because she wasn't invited on the trip. Ask your DD what she would prefer you to do - probably the former.

MaryGreenhill · 05/07/2025 08:32

You are being unreasonable .
You have now made this so much worse for your DD.

SlightlyTooMuch · 05/07/2025 08:36

Deeply unreasonable, and made things far worse for your DD. I’d talk to her before doing anything else.

GRex · 05/07/2025 08:38

What you ought to be doing is teaching your DD how to recognise and maintain mature friendships, yet clearly you have no idea how to behave yourself. Try getting someone else to advise her on friendships, because clearly she has no idea and is struggling. Apologise to your DD for escalating the situation. Apologise to the other mum for your behaviour and assure her you will take down your message, then stop creating teenage dramas.

MyCyanReader · 05/07/2025 08:40

You handled this very badly. SocMed is awful. Delete the post although it will have been screenshot already.

Let your daughter have an amazing time with the ones who are coming, even if that's only a couple of kids.

If the others aren't brave enough to stand up to this girl then thats their problem and they'll have to miss out.

Speak to the mum. Make it clear no names were mentioned but also state that her daughter had sent a message to your daughter saying that she'd deliberately organised the camping on the day she'd organised her BBQ and told her she wasn't allowed to come which was really unkind.

Energywise · 05/07/2025 08:48

So you are complaining about these immature group of girls but yet you can’t see where behaviour like this is learned from?

what you did was incredibly immature and inappropriate. You didn’t mention names but it’s very clear to work out something happening. You can’t expect the girls to behave in a certain way when the adults are no examples themselves.

don’t you see what you did was the public version of what that girl did?

Original poster

Popcicle123 · 05/07/2025 08:54

@Energywise i do completely admit I was wrong to post. I have taken it down now. I’ve already said I don’t normally use fb and it’s very unlike me to do this. But the post was one of those GIFs about girls being kind that I shared. It could have been about anything

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 05/07/2025 08:56

If you know the girls mum, I'd message and say something like 'sorry I missed all your calls last night, will call you later. Is everything ok? It seemed urgent'?

If you've not named her DD it's guilt making her reach out. Don't get into it.

Use the 'bad day, venting, but when people show you who they are we should believe it' and don't confirm or deny anything.

Let her go to school. You've not name any DC.

TheWonderhorse · 05/07/2025 08:57

You did one of those excruciating Facebook posts expecting everyone to guess what was wrong? You do those, you get messages, I don't know why you weren't expecting it.

You cannot police friendships at that age. You can only give your daughter the tools to police her own. Explain to her that vague public rants about people are petty and stupid, apologies for making things worse.

Explain to the mother what you did and why and then hopefully she'll understand.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 05/07/2025 09:01

You need to just speak to the mum on the phone, explain you were upset for your child but accept you were out of order and didn’t mean to
imply her kid was a bully. Your DD has no chance having grown up relationships if you act like a teenager on social media. You moaned about someone else’s kid online and now the parent wants you to speak about it, actions have consequences so just deal with it like an adult.

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 09:39

I disagree with apologising to the other mother. Say it's private to your DD and you didn't name names specifically for that reason but were venting as she's upset by some horrible behavior.

She's going off on one because she knows her daughter is being a little bitch and instead of dealing with that, she's trying to shut people down. Shes being a shit parent, don't pander to her. You've done nothing wrong in terms of 'bullying' her daughter.

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 09:44

You need to just speak to the mum on the phone, explain you were upset for your child but accept you were out of order and didn’t mean to imply her kid was a bully

She didn't imply her kid was a bully at all. Only those who know she's a bully might read into that. If I saw a post like that, I wouldn't immediately assume it was about my daughter - because she's not horrible! This woman knows what her daughter is doing and yet prefers to try control other people's behaviour rather than her own child's.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 05/07/2025 12:38

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 09:44

You need to just speak to the mum on the phone, explain you were upset for your child but accept you were out of order and didn’t mean to imply her kid was a bully

Edited

She said another girl ruined this nice thing for her and why can’t they be kind. Everyone new what was going on so the mum will have heard about it, the girls themselves no about it and were talking about it. So yes she did imply she was a bully. She isn’t trying to control other people’s behaviour she is trying to speak to OP about the situation rather than moaning to everyone online about it. OP is no better than anyone else in this situation at all, she’s make it bigger than it needed to be but doesn’t want to actually deal with the ‘bully’ if you want to call her that at all.

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 14:43

I highly doubt the girls are watching OP's Facebook.

The mother is getting her knickers in a twist because she knows her daughter is being a little cow. Whilst putting a veiled comment on SM is hardly ideal, it's not bullying anyone.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/07/2025 15:04

Oh dear… the irony of a mean girl’s FB post about a mean girl.

Yeah, not good. I think the big lessons for you is to support your daughter from the background. There will likely be fallout for her.

As for phoning the mum back, that’s a tricky one. I’m inclined to think you should (despite my comment about supporting from the background) only to try to resolve this. But if you do you need to not escalate the situation even if it does take an apology. (Which again I’m inclined to think you should).

I feel so bad for your daughter to be put in this mess.

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