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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do?

26 replies

Kimcat1 · 04/07/2025 22:06

I really need some impartial advice please.

We were having big problems in our marriage for a while. Almost ended back in September. Husband left me with very little on maternity leave (had to go into overdraft) while he had thousands in his bank. Also terrible communication between us and no intimacy. I had tried so many times to fix it, begged him to tell me what was wrong, why he wouldn't speak with me or touch me, asked him to come to counselling with me.

A dream job opportunity came up for him in America and so we talked and talked and he said how this was our chance and what an amazing opportunity it would be for us as a family etc. Our little one is 22 months old. I stupidly agreed to it and naively thought this would be the thing that would finally bring us together. I know it was wrong but I loved him.

We get out there and it's just made everything worse, compounded all of the issues. I then find a whole bunch of corn on his phone, webcams, only fans and a site called chat match. As in watching it everyday at times when I'm trying to put our girl down for a sleep, or when our daughter is in bed and I'm in the bath etc. I had previously broken down to him and asked him to please be honest with me as to why we have no intimate relationship (I'm talking once in 2 years) he was aware my self confidence was gone and I was feeling awful about myself. I asked him if he watched things etc, he said no and it was due to his meds and also the fact he just didn't prioritise that in a relationship. This feels to me like manipulation.

I feel like I've been neglected in every sense of this marriage. Financially on maternity leave he let me sink, physically he barely touches me, emotionally he shuts me out constantly as he "doesn't want to get stressed". I have had enough and can't do this anymore. I can't show my baby that this is what love is.

We have come back to UK to spend time at home with family. While being home my dad has also passed away. I have told him I'm done. I can't think of anything worse than going back to US but obviously he wants to see our girl and can only come back once every couple of months for a week. He's now stating he wants us there from 10-28th of July, and that our daughter will be staying in the apartment with him (she still breastfeeds at night and he has never been able to put her to bed). He never made it a priority to be able to comfort her and would always just give her to me. I don't want to stay in the apartment with him.

I don't want to keep her away from her dad at all, I want them to have a relationship. I'm just terrified of being out there alone with our daughter. I don't think he would do anything, however last time when I told him I couldn't do it anymore he became angry, red in the face and starting pointing his finger on the table saying "you think I'm going to let you leave and take my daughter, you think I'm going to let that happen" and that has stayed with me.

Ahh I'm so sorry for the length of this post, and thank you if you got this far. I'm waiting to speak to a family lawyer to see what on earth I should do here. Just looking to see what others would do in terms of taking our daughter out to the US to see her dad on a regular basis? I can't shake this feeling of guilt.

OP posts:
Dontwanttobeanebsnamum · 04/07/2025 22:09

Don’t take her to the US. Get yourself and her established here. Home, job and nursery.

Victoriaspo · 04/07/2025 22:21

You do not take your daughter anywhere near the US. If you have been living there he can get an injunction which will literally stop you ever leaving with her.

speak to a solicitor asap.

and don’t feel guilty. You’ve been abused. Speak to Women’s Aid.

Hankunamatata · 04/07/2025 22:23

Do not go back to America. Do not let him take the baby

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 22:23

What an absolute scumbag. Stay in the UK and nurture your relationships here and try and build some strength and self esteem.

Ilikewinter · 04/07/2025 22:24

I agree with PP, don't go, if he's that desperate to see his daughter he'll come back to the UK.

IggleBiggle · 04/07/2025 22:25

I don't know the legalities of this but from a human perspective, every instinct in me says, don't go.

PeapodMcgee · 04/07/2025 22:27

Don't go. Take your daughter and stay somewhere safe. Then he should find out you have separated and you are seeking divorce.

He sounds dangerous. And he has no right to dictate to you.

Please seek proper advice.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 22:30

Do not take your baby to the US. Let him go through the courts for access. Stop responding to his attempts at contact with you and make him do it all through the solicitors. He’s a nasty bully. You don’t have to do what he says.

VimFuego101 · 04/07/2025 22:31

Victoriaspo · 04/07/2025 22:21

You do not take your daughter anywhere near the US. If you have been living there he can get an injunction which will literally stop you ever leaving with her.

speak to a solicitor asap.

and don’t feel guilty. You’ve been abused. Speak to Women’s Aid.

This. Once you get back to the US and are considered to be resident there, he can stop you from removing your child. Please check out reunite.org for advice and to understand what your legal situation will be if you want to remove your child from the US.

Heronwatcher · 04/07/2025 22:32

Agree with others, if you take your daughter there she’s not coming back. Tell him if he’s free between those dates you’d be happy to have her available for day trips/ quality time with him (though obviously he’d need to bring her back in the evening as she’s still breastfeeding and of course what’s most important is what’s best for her 🙄). If he does come keep an eye on her, he could be planning on taking her back with him. AirTag in change bag with spare somewhere else!

Also don’t be bending over backwards to facilitate a relationship with him, he sounds a bit fucked up.

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/07/2025 22:32

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. He has devalued you so much that you’re actually considering doing something you can’t stand the thought of just to appease him. Do not go. Find your strength and stay in the UK where you and your daughter are comfortable

PeapodMcgee · 04/07/2025 22:34

Is there a thing where you can flag a child's passport to prevent him taking her on the plane? Or have I imagined that?

Fadesto · 04/07/2025 22:34

he didn’t care about learning to comfort her, he doesn’t care that she breastfeeds to sleep and will be distressed to leave you, he doesn’t care about maintaining his marriage to her mother, he didn’t care about the finances she needed to thrive with a healthy stable mother in maternity leave. Time and time again he has not prioritised your daughter, so I personally would not prioritise his relationship with her, to mine or her detriment.
I would make sure I had her passport, and I wouldn’t take her back to America. It would be insane to take her back there, he could take her away from you, and he could force her to stay there with or without you. Find somewhere to stay, get established here and quickly show you have roots in the uk. See a solicitor

crazeekat · 04/07/2025 22:40

Do not u see any circumstances go.
if you do you will end up stuck their with your child and may not be allowed to leave again. Please don’t do it. Your child may end up without you, so don’t let him guilt trip you. You have to keep your child safe and staying where you are is the answer. Start divorce proceeding now. Please don’t go back there.

Glitchymn1 · 04/07/2025 22:42

See a solicitor, you don’t have to tell him.

BountifulPantry · 04/07/2025 22:43

Do NOT go to the USA.

Take your passport now and burn it so you physically cannot change your mind due to his guilt tripping or future you feeling weak.

Ask family and friends for help.

TheCosyViewer · 04/07/2025 22:48

Get your DD’s passport now and hide it. Do not go back to the US with your DD under any circumstances.

Withdjsns · 04/07/2025 22:51

Don’t take her; he could plan anything while you’re there and vulnerable. See a solicitor asap.

PeapodMcgee · 04/07/2025 22:52

Port Alert

SunnySideDeepDown · 04/07/2025 22:57

Fuck what he wants.

Do not go. If he wants to see his daughter he can come to the UK, you’ve put too much effort in already.

Lightuptheroom · 04/07/2025 23:01

My friend had this years ago. She simply didn't return to the US and it was the father's responsibility to visit her two girls. It was only when they were much older (pre teen age) that they were expected to fly to the US and spend holidays with him and that was only when he agreed to pay for all flights etc. See a solicitor, I'm assuming you are both British as he's only working in the US so our laws would apply.

Midnightlove · 04/07/2025 23:09

Nope.. he chose to move there, he chose to ruin the relationship, so he can travel back here if he wants to spend time with his child!

stonebrambleboy · 05/07/2025 08:07

I'm sorry about your dad. Is your mum still alive. If so say you need to spend some extra time with her. Let him go back to the US alone and then refuse to join him.

gamerchick · 06/07/2025 11:23

I think I'd agree just to get him to bugger off and then refuse.

If you take her out there you don't know what legal shit he could pull to not let you take her back.

He made the choice to move. He has the financials to travel, so it's on him.

Zanatdy · 06/07/2025 11:26

I wouldn’t go back no. If he wants to see his DD he comes to the UK, and it’s day time only until she is no longer bf and able to spend overnights with him when a little older.

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