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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD doesn’t realise her worth - how do I help

12 replies

JaneyLous · 04/07/2025 14:23

Hi all,

I’ve been with my DH for 6 years, he has one DD she’s 24 now. She is an incredible young woman, trilingual, working an incredible job, extremely intelligent, hard working, kind and loving. I’m not usually super complimentary of people but she is a genuinely gorgeous, kind, smart young woman. Her mum passed away when she was a teenager, so I do feel a sense of maternal protectiveness over her.

6 months ago she and her boyfriend of 2 years broke up. He left her but honestly she should have left long before that. He messed with her feelings, told her he loved her and then took it back saying it was limerence, broke up with her, dated someone else, came back to her but still went on a date with someone else, lied about it and told her months later. He never really appreciated what he had.

Now they are trying to be friends, god knows why but they are. He’s dating someone new and I’m sure she’s lovely but it’s breaking my DSDs heart. She was crying last night saying she just doesn’t get what she did wrong, this new girl barely replies to him, and he tells her everything as they are friends. She tells me she doesn’t want him back but finds it hard to see him falling for someone who gives him barely anything compared to what she did, she tells me it’s hard not to be insulted by it, even if she knows he doesn’t mean it like that.

Today she was meant to go to Wimbledon with friends but cancelled as she found out he was going with this new girl. She doesn’t want to use dating apps which I respect but equally seems hesitant to put herself out there.

Im finding it quite frustrating if I'm honest. She is a truly amazing young woman, any man would be lucky to love her! However she doesn’t seem to see it, she compares herself endlessly to this new girl, when the reality is she’s just a normal girl, I’m sure she’s also lovely and kind and smart but DSD is constantly trying to find ways this new girl is better than her!

At the same time she is still being her exes emotional safety net, he found out he failed a professional exam this week, she immediately cancelled her plans and went out to the pub with him to distract him, she bought him dinner to make him feel better etc.

I don’t know what to do really. I’ve told her to cut him off but she says no that she values him as a friend and won’t let go of that. She is the type of person who doesn’t necessarily see hurting as a bad thing, she recently said “it’s just grief for what we could of been and grief is just the parting gift from love as it leaves”.

AIBU to find it really frustrating that she doesn’t see her own worth?
Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
NoraLuka · 04/07/2025 14:35

Is there any way to get her away from him in a geographical sense by going travelling, or move to a different part of the country? Or she could take up a new sport or anything that would shake up her life a bit and bring her into contact with new people? It doesn’t matter if the new people are potential new partners or not as long as they bring a different perspective.

Or maybe she just needs to get over him in her own time, but the comparing herself to the other woman doesn’t sound very good for her.

Would she be open to the argument that living your best life makes you more attractive so she’d have a better chance with him if she went out and did stuff whilst ignoring him? Then with any luck after a while she wouldn’t want him back anyway.

Gallivanterer · 04/07/2025 14:37

Oh I think I remember you telling us about her, you guys get on really well, and you have two daughters of your own, isnt that right?
Could this be something you can rope your daughters into helping out with too (apologies if ive got you confused with someone else)

Original poster
JaneyLous · 04/07/2025 14:41

NoraLuka · 04/07/2025 14:35

Is there any way to get her away from him in a geographical sense by going travelling, or move to a different part of the country? Or she could take up a new sport or anything that would shake up her life a bit and bring her into contact with new people? It doesn’t matter if the new people are potential new partners or not as long as they bring a different perspective.

Or maybe she just needs to get over him in her own time, but the comparing herself to the other woman doesn’t sound very good for her.

Would she be open to the argument that living your best life makes you more attractive so she’d have a better chance with him if she went out and did stuff whilst ignoring him? Then with any luck after a while she wouldn’t want him back anyway.

See she is busy, she has friends, goes on holiday often, plays sports etc. but it seems like she makes space for him all the time?

She messages him daily, even when on holiday etc.

She is living what to many would be seen as “best life”. She’s not long back from Greece, going to Italy in a couple of weeks, was the Grand Prix in Monaco a month or so ago etc.

She plays tennis, beach volleyball etc. so is always busy, but if there is a gap you can bet it’s spent thinking about him!

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneyLous · 04/07/2025 14:42

Gallivanterer · 04/07/2025 14:37

Oh I think I remember you telling us about her, you guys get on really well, and you have two daughters of your own, isnt that right?
Could this be something you can rope your daughters into helping out with too (apologies if ive got you confused with someone else)

This might be someone else!

I have 2 boys and a daughter but my kids are all young teens still!

OP posts:
RebelMums · 04/07/2025 14:43

JaneyLous · 04/07/2025 14:23

Hi all,

I’ve been with my DH for 6 years, he has one DD she’s 24 now. She is an incredible young woman, trilingual, working an incredible job, extremely intelligent, hard working, kind and loving. I’m not usually super complimentary of people but she is a genuinely gorgeous, kind, smart young woman. Her mum passed away when she was a teenager, so I do feel a sense of maternal protectiveness over her.

6 months ago she and her boyfriend of 2 years broke up. He left her but honestly she should have left long before that. He messed with her feelings, told her he loved her and then took it back saying it was limerence, broke up with her, dated someone else, came back to her but still went on a date with someone else, lied about it and told her months later. He never really appreciated what he had.

Now they are trying to be friends, god knows why but they are. He’s dating someone new and I’m sure she’s lovely but it’s breaking my DSDs heart. She was crying last night saying she just doesn’t get what she did wrong, this new girl barely replies to him, and he tells her everything as they are friends. She tells me she doesn’t want him back but finds it hard to see him falling for someone who gives him barely anything compared to what she did, she tells me it’s hard not to be insulted by it, even if she knows he doesn’t mean it like that.

Today she was meant to go to Wimbledon with friends but cancelled as she found out he was going with this new girl. She doesn’t want to use dating apps which I respect but equally seems hesitant to put herself out there.

Im finding it quite frustrating if I'm honest. She is a truly amazing young woman, any man would be lucky to love her! However she doesn’t seem to see it, she compares herself endlessly to this new girl, when the reality is she’s just a normal girl, I’m sure she’s also lovely and kind and smart but DSD is constantly trying to find ways this new girl is better than her!

At the same time she is still being her exes emotional safety net, he found out he failed a professional exam this week, she immediately cancelled her plans and went out to the pub with him to distract him, she bought him dinner to make him feel better etc.

I don’t know what to do really. I’ve told her to cut him off but she says no that she values him as a friend and won’t let go of that. She is the type of person who doesn’t necessarily see hurting as a bad thing, she recently said “it’s just grief for what we could of been and grief is just the parting gift from love as it leaves”.

AIBU to find it really frustrating that she doesn’t see her own worth?
Does anyone have any advice?

It's the hardest thing to step back and allow our adult children to make their own mistakes. She'll find a way. All you can do is be there for her if she needs you. She has to work this out on her own.

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/07/2025 14:43

I think you can't stop her going through this, she needs to make her own choices. Having said that, I'd help with and encourage all of the aspects of her life that don't relate to him. Not dating particularly, that can be very hard when you're in the wrong mindset, but hobbies, other friends, travel.

BreakingBroken · 04/07/2025 14:46

Maybe time for her to discuss this with a neutral third party (a therapist) to help her process the break up.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 14:48

Could she be persuaded to try counselling? Or failing that can you try asking the right questions? Lots of “why do you think he did that?”, “would you treat someone like that?”sort of thing (second one is probably too harsh and needs to be phrased more delicately). She needs to figure this out for herself, but you can encourage her to question his behaviour.

Original poster
JaneyLous · 04/07/2025 14:55

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 14:48

Could she be persuaded to try counselling? Or failing that can you try asking the right questions? Lots of “why do you think he did that?”, “would you treat someone like that?”sort of thing (second one is probably too harsh and needs to be phrased more delicately). She needs to figure this out for herself, but you can encourage her to question his behaviour.

I will definitely recommend counselling.

Its frustrated as she seems to blame herself for his behaviour, when she to my knowledge did nothing wrong.

Oh he went on dates with other girls as I wasn’t available enough — she seen him as much as she could!

Im not pretty enough, pure lies she’s absolutely gorgeous and I’m not saying that in a maternal way but genuinely is beautiful.

He treated her very poorly, she should be angry with him for the sheer disrespect but doesn’t seem capable of that!

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 04/07/2025 15:29

She sees him as a friend.
He sees her as a prop for his ego.

She really needs help with her selfworth.

FumingTRex · 04/07/2025 15:41

This is difficult but i think the best thing you can do is give her nudges in the right direction, eg:

oh that must be hurtful to hear, i wonder why he told you that?
he still expects you to drop everything for him doesn’t he
unfortunately some people just want the chase and cant appreciate it when they have a good person

etc etc

TolerableISuppose · 04/07/2025 17:03

Unfortunately, people who blow hot and cold like this "friend" are acting out an intermittent reward system, which is psychologically very addictive. Your DSD is consistently available to this boy because she's always hoping to get a payout of some sort from him, while he has less and less incentive to give her any time/attention/care in return. This is less a relationship and more an addiction at this point. I see why you're concerned. It's wonderful that you're on her side. It could take time for her to realize how toxic this situation is for her and to believe she deserves better. You're doing great that you think she's wonderful and want to help. Other posters have given good advice about subtly undermining the relationship by questioning his obvious bad behavior or helping her access therapy (if she's open to that).

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