DP kicking off because I’ve cancelled our plans to see friend

[IzzyN]

My best friend is going through an awful breakup and has messaged me this morning to say she feels really down and could do with some company tonight. She has been there for me in the past so I asked DP if he’d mind we move our planned dinner to tomorrow (we are both free and the restaurant has availability). He called on my lunch break and got funny with me, said that she can’t expect me to just drop plans and that she’d be better off without her ex. I wasn’t a big fan of him either, but pointed out that’s beyond the point. He said that she ‘wont go short of c**k’ so I should just tell her to go on a night out. I told DP he should be more understanding and that I am going to see her as that’s what friends do.

Is your friend a teenage girl?

If he had cancelled the dinner plans to meet his mate down the pub as the mate had just been dumped then no one would be praising him as a great friend and he'd be getting called out for not putting his wife first.

The cock comment was disgusting, no excuse for that.

But cancelling plans that he might have been looking forward to wasn’t the nicest thing of you to do. Break ups can be tricky, but it’s not like somebody had died. In his eyes you are prioritising your friend over him. I would be annoyed if my DH did that too.

I wouldn't be impressed with my DPs neediness in your situation, it would probably be the start of The Ick tbh. YANBU

What the hell op, how can you be with a man that says that about your close friend, to your face

How is this okay??

Back in the real world couples support each other’s friendships… and usually in my case my dh would encourage me to go.

"Feeling bad" over a break-up isn't an emergency requiring you to cancel plans.

When I was younger I was quite people pleasing and knew people who used their relationship ups and downs as a dominance or attention or control thing....ringing on Xmas day to ask me to intervene in a row they were having.

Regularly having "mental health" breakdowns over their "boyfriends" who were some bloke they'd met on Plenty of fish and known for a month.

We don't live in an episode of Sex and the City.

Especially as everyone gets older we all need to learn to emotionally self-soothe. Those who can't or won't should be avoided.

If someone is feeling bad they can stay in and have an early night.

It's only moving dinner to the following night, I don't see why it's a big deal. Presumably if you'd made plans with someone else and he needed a bit of support with something he'd expect you to rearrange because it's normal to prioritise someone you care about in their time in need.

Even if you rarely go out for dinner, it's one night of a difference. If I was worrying about a friend I probably wouldn't fully enjoy myself anyway.

I understand his disappointment but his comment about c* is awful. As if she's only upset about not having someone to sleep with, not that she's devastated her future as she saw it has now completely changed. Yes she'll still be upset tomorrow, but she might not be quite as upset after spending time with a friend that she's supported previously.

I'm with you OP. Unless it was a special occasion I wouldn't have a problem if my DH asked to change our dinner plans because he'd like to support a friend. We all make compromises every day and this is pretty minor.

I do agree with this. It is okay for them to want a friend to spend the evening, feeling comforted ,but I find it a little needy too when it starts encroaching on other people. Why couldn’t she make Saturday or Sunday? It’s an adult break up, not open heart surgery.

I have been a people pleaser in the past too, and it doesn’t sit well with me to be make myself available 247 for any problem. I am not an emergency service, unless it’s a real health emergency which would be different.

Adults are allowed to be hurt and sad if they break up with a partner

Until your last line I was thinking he's entitled to be disappointed if he was looking forward to dinner with you, and you can see friend tomorrow, but that makes.l him sound awful.

Of course they are. They dont need to get their friends to cancel dinner plans to come around (to hang out in pyjamas and eat ice cream out the tub and do hairbrush karaoke or something?). They can get an early night, do some in the shower crying, order a deliveroo and watch a film and then see their friends the next day, when they're free.

To an extent I agree with you. However, we don’t know the full context. We don’t know how long OP’s friend was with her partner. We don’t know why they broke up. We don’t know her mental state. OP says her friend has been there for her too, so maybe she feels like it’s fair to return the favour.

If OP is cancelling dinner because her friend broke up with her boyfriend of 6 weeks then yeah I think ok, maybe you should have just seen your friend another day. But we don’t know the story

would you encourage him to go though?

Why is he so hostile towards her? I wonder if it was any other friend would he behave this way?

They were together for over 4 years - totally get the point if it was a really short relationship

Yuck, your partner sounds like a knob.

Well I think you did the right thing. I would definitely go and see my friend personally, AND my DH would definitely encourage me to go too. As I would if his friend had been dumped after 4 years.

You say you were both free tomorrow so your DP is just being a cry baby. The comment he made about your friend though was really disgusting

Well I don't think you should have cancelled your plans but your partner is disgusting.
Does he always talk about all women in such a crude way or is it just your friend?
What a repulsive man.

I get he might be disappointed but the decent thing for him was to say “I’ve been really looking forward to this dinner with you. Could you go and spend tomorrow with your friend instead?” Instead of that vulgar disgusting comment about your friend. That would really put me off dinner with him.

He was looking forward to the night out and you've dumped him for a friend which is pretty insulting. OK you can re-arrange, but why not re-arrange friend instead? How would you feel if he dumped you for a friend?

For a good friend, I would absolutely be there for her in a heartbeat.
It's not like it was an anniversary or a birthday.

Me and DH have cancelled plans before when something else has come up... It's never a big deal.

In fact he would encourage me to be there for my friend. A 4 year relationship is a long time, a lot of people are married with a kid that far into one.

I guess it depends if you ditching him last minute in favour of friends is a regular thing or not. As a rare circumstance it’s acceptable to ask to rearrange something that can be easily rearranged to support a friend in distress. Your DP sounds very selfish, and what he said about your friend is really vile, that would put me right off him.

He can be slightly ‘robust’ in his language on all subjects to be honest - he works around blokes all day in a sales role and forgets himself. He knows I don’t approve.