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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday parties...

15 replies

Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:24

I have a very old friend. One of those friends that I really thought was firmly on my team.
We have two daughters each - they were born at the same time (DD1 followed by DD2 for both of us) and we live in the same area.
I have always felt that i have supported her through babies, pregnancies and general life. I do not feel that that support or care was ever reciprocated, but i didnt particularly let it bother me.

Fast forward to last year. DD1 was being bullied at school, so we made the decision to move her to the school that the friend's children also attend. It is a small school, one form entry, everyone knows everyone and everything that's going on. We thought it would be nice for all of us to have the support of these old friendships.

Earlier this year, my 'friend' organised two separate birthday parties for both of her daughters (mine are now in the same classes and have been for the past year) and didn't include either of my children.
Half of the class were invited. I get that numbers are tricky for parties etc, but one was a craft afternoon in a village hall...
She also didn't tell me. She just left me to find out from others.

Am i wrong to feel extremely hurt? She has basically told me that it's my problem and i need to get over it. It now feels as though we are being slowly but surely pushed out as she is queen bee in the playground...

AIBU to be hurt by her? Genuinely interested in whether i am over reacting.
What would you do?

OP posts:
redskydelight · 04/07/2025 11:29

By school age, children pick their own friends to invite to parties and this won't necessarily include their parents' friends children.

So, yes, you are wrong to be hurt. Focus on the friendship between you and the other adult, and not those of your children.

Original poster
Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:36

They are friends independently from us, just for some reason didn't quite make the party cut. My kids are also relatively new to the class. Wouldn't it have been nice to teach some kindness by including them?

OP posts:
redskydelight · 04/07/2025 11:54

Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:36

They are friends independently from us, just for some reason didn't quite make the party cut. My kids are also relatively new to the class. Wouldn't it have been nice to teach some kindness by including them?

You don't say how old your children are (which I think affects this).

My children have not invited children they were friendly with to parties, because they were conscious of what I'm going to call "friendship dynamics". It's miserable to be invited to a party where everyone else is in friendship groups and you are not.

I appreciate that you are feeling sensitive about this, but you are overthinking. The children picked the guests they wanted to come. Birthday parties are not about "being kind" (unless it's to avoid being unkind such as excluding one child).
They are not obliged to invite the "new child" to their birthday just to be kind.

Original poster
Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:59

If her child had had such a hard time at a previous school, I would've insisted that my primary aged daughter be kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:59

the children are 7 and 9

OP posts:
redskydelight · 04/07/2025 12:01

Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:59

If her child had had such a hard time at a previous school, I would've insisted that my primary aged daughter be kind.

And I'm sure they are kind at school.

But you are asking them to be "unkind" to a friend they like more (and not invite them), to be "kind" to your child. Why should they do that?

7 and 9 are old enough to have clear ideas of who is or isn't a closer friend.

NuffSaidSam · 04/07/2025 12:46

At seven and nine they'll have picked their own guest list. It's a shame your DD's didn't make it. Perhaps they're not quite as good friends as you thought. There is quite a difference between 'play well together when our families meet-up' and 'I choose to be friends with you' at that age.

I can see from your responses already though that you don't want to be told YABU. You want her to be the bad guy and you the victim. If you're hurt, you're hurt, no-one can tell you otherwise. What do you want to do next considering she's well established at the school and you've already moved your children once? I would suggest you bite your tongue and just let the friendship drift a bit.

ForGreatFox · 04/07/2025 12:50

So she’s never supported you through life events or pregnancies, doesn’t include your children who are apparently friends to her parties.

This is a you problem becuase you won’t let go of a crap friend

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2025 12:57

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me

CaptainFuture · 04/07/2025 13:37

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2025 12:57

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me

Maybe not to you or OP but she's being a good mum, ensuring her daughter invites who she wants to her own birthday party and not her mums friends dc?

MakeItToTheMoon · 04/07/2025 14:16

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2025 12:57

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me

Agree. This sounds so odd for a “friend” to do. Especially because she didn’t tell you and then you ultimately found out via another mum.

I wonder if she is a user and doesn’t need your friendship anymore. Because she doesn’t appear to really care about you. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, just treat her like she treats you and take a step back in the friendship.

Canshehavewaferthinham · 04/07/2025 14:25

It sounds as if she preferred it when your children were in separate schools-had you in a box and didn't want that box to encroach onto her box.

CherryYellowCouch · 04/07/2025 14:26

You and your DD have obviously been through a difficult year.

It’s clear that you are hurt but you don’t actually say whether your girls are hurt?

This kind of stuff is tricky. My oldest friend would tell you that our children are “independently friendly”. But in fact, although my DC are polite and friendly to hers, they wouldn’t have made friends with them otherwise.

With kindness, her children are independent people in their own right, they aren’t support humans for your children. It’s right that they should be able to choose their own friends.

The best thing you can do is to support your girls to build strong friendships in their new school independently of your relationships.

Pancakeflipper · 04/07/2025 14:32

It sounds like you could be more into this friendship than she is - the bit about you being there to support her, but not reciprocal.

I think you should step back abit. Let the children be friends if they want. It sounds like the mother wants to keep a distance from you.

stichguru · 04/07/2025 15:02

Swan2019 · 04/07/2025 11:36

They are friends independently from us, just for some reason didn't quite make the party cut. My kids are also relatively new to the class. Wouldn't it have been nice to teach some kindness by including them?

If the class gets on relatively well and no one hates or is hated by the birthday children, then your children are just as special or un-special to the birthday children as anyone else. Literally you could argue that they should have invited every child on the same principle. While I'm all for teaching kids kindness, adding 15 extra kids to a party to do so, is not something my house or my wallet agrees with!

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