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Original poster

Husband wants to back into contact with toxic family

33 replies

FunOchreTurtle · 04/07/2025 09:15

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss

my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.

anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.

long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.

fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.

*my problem

last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.

he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.

I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them

I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now

I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

OP posts:
Cutleryclaire · 07/07/2025 12:24

Hmmm, I think trying to influence a partner to cut off their parent could definitely be described as toxic. Not in all circumstances eg if they are abusive but your example of the wedding pictures is irritating rather than toxic imo.

Only you know the whole situation but it might be worth trying to look at it dispassionately and taking a step back first.

SquirrelsTail · 07/07/2025 12:27

Run

liamharha · 30/12/2025 10:39

FunOchreTurtle · 04/07/2025 09:15

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss

my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.

anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.

long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.

fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.

*my problem

last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.

he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.

I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them

I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now

I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

It's hard to give you realistic advice without knowing the other side .
If he wants co tact it suggests he may feel from his perspective that you are not entitled blameless .
I'm not saying that's true but I think you have w to ask yourself why he wants contact with them .
If you remain Adament it's all them and they are the issue then this isnt going to work your relationship will fester and be based on resentment .
How would you feel is he asked you to go no co tact with your family in the same circumstances.
These are questions only you can answer honestly .

liamharha · 30/12/2025 10:44

FunOchreTurtle · 04/07/2025 14:30

Update *

he said he went back into contact with her because he has no one else to talk to - he doesn’t really have friends

he is now saying his family are “normal” and not toxic. He’s forgotten or forgiven everything that’s happened. He said they’ve changed. That his brother has changed too. I reminded him of the violent threats and he said but he didn’t mean it. It’s just what he says. That’s what he’s like. I said NO that is not acceptable.

if he did have contact with his mum I’d say text only. No more secretive phone calls. But also I am staying no contact, and also the kids too.

honestly I don’t know if I can move past this I just feel scared and I am only 4 months post partumn

Controlling much .
What gives you the right to dictate how he contacta his mum and the children are a joint decision not just yours .
Sorry op you seem to be quite toxic yourself here .

liamharha · 30/12/2025 10:47

ForGreatFox · 04/07/2025 14:44

If he did have contact with his mum I’d say text only. No more secretive phone calls. But also I am staying no contact, and also the kids too.

Ok, I understand why you are hurting and I do agree they sound toxic

But I think your DH has lied to you (not saying he’s right) because he knows you will control his contact with them. “If he did have contact with his mum I’d say text only” I don’t know,

It sounds like he is in the middle and both sides are controlling (sorry)

If you can’t deal with your husband having his family in his life and you feel like it affects you mentally then you are absolutely within your rights to end the marriage, but don’t make him choose

Show quote history

She also shouldn't be dishing out ultimatums or them.
In a healthy relationship he should be able to visit his family with his children and op not be involved

PollyBell · 30/12/2025 10:53

His relationship with them is none of your business stop being controlling

SBGM247 · 30/12/2025 11:18

FunOchreTurtle · 04/07/2025 09:15

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss

my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.

anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.

long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.

fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.

*my problem

last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.

he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.

I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them

I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now

I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

@FunOchreTurtle I cut off contact with my Mum because she was disrespecting my wife and going behind my back with my kids, especially putting words in the ear of my eldest.

My DW was a great mirror and a witness to these behaviours and, on reflection, often the hardest thing for her was simply being patient and listening.

It took a really extreme situation for me to go fully no contact. She took my eldest and went behind my back to my ex (long story), because I wanted to be with my kids when they visited.

In retrospect it was inevitable, only a question of how much damage I would allow. And because it was not just me, it was my wife and kids, I had to end it.

The most powerful book I read that helped me along the way was Narcissistic Mothers and Covert…
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/173144527X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It's nearly impossible to explain to people who haven't been through it, why you need to go no contact. The book might help give you the language like it did me. More importantly only your Husband can decide. All you can do is be a witness and establish boundaries. Boundaries are actions you take. Not passive things happening to third parties. So removing yourself from situations etc...

cocog · 30/12/2025 12:35

They have obviously reacted poorly and made a few mistakes or broke your rules but you are being very controlling. You husband has a right to a relationship with his family if that’s what he wants you are making a massive issue over little thing’s and trying to control everything. He has a right to a private conversation with his mum without you reading the messages. You would be my worst nightmare as a daughter in law. The kids also have a right to know there family members and where they came from as long as they are safe you shouldn’t be preventing the relationship between the grandparents. Unless there is some big drip feed it sounds toxic but not from there side.

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