How to navigate relationships?

[colinshmolin]

I have a few difficult relationships to manage the main two being my sister and my inlaws.

My sister can be nasty at times -says cutting things, dislikes any support/advice but will complain she is unsupported. I tolerated it for quite a long time for various reasons but about five years ago I took a step back. I only see her a few times a year so that didn’t really change but more I shared less of myself and was less emotional.

With my in-laws I find them hard work, Thry can be critical/moany and mil will sometimes make shitty comments about my parenting or me as a wife I tend to just ignore the comments. Again a few years ago I started making less effort , I left dh to make contact/organise stuff with them as a result we see them slightly less than when I use to organise.

Both my sister and ils have eventually noticed this reduced effort /emotional detachment (after a few years) and are offended and both complain I’m not making enough effort. I don’t really want to drag up the hundreds of minor things that lead me to take a step back but how do I navigate this while still keeping my boundaries in place?
it’s like I’m suddenly the bad guy whose not being caring. When I spoke to dh about ils he said they are just trying to show they care and maybe I need to meet them half way. But I don’t want to I like my relationship with them now, when I did take a step back dh was supportive but now it’s like he expects me to make more effort because they have noticed.
Any advice?

Bump!

I don't have any major advice but I just wanted to say I did this too. Fed up of dealing with sometimes outrageously selfish and mean behaviour from my sibling. Detached almost entirely now; just gently let it fall over the past 5/6 years. My anger level directed that way has really reduced. Our mother noticed and got shirty about it but I have honestly just ignored it! Stand firm, OP!

Once I adjusted my mindset it felt so much easier. I’m not rude, I engage with them and I’m friendly it’s just more surface level.

If they feel that you don't make much effort, that's ok. They can feel how they feel about your boundaries, you can't control how they feel, you just have to be ok with it. It's not your problem. Your DH is responsible for his relationship with his own parents and he can't control how you feel. I would just carry on as you are and be polite and friendly when you see them. What more do they want from you?

Well dhs mum seems to have a feeling we should be good friends but has never done anything to facilitate that in the last ten years. It’s been the last few months she’s been saying I don’t make enough effort when we visit. I wonder if she’s compared our relationship to bil and fils or maybe her sisters and her dils and realised ours is somewhat lacking.

My sister mentioned moving closer to me and was upset I wasn’t excited. I said it was upto her and would be nice to see each other more spontaneously rather than a week at a time but apparently I should have been thrilled . This brought up a lot about how I have changed and I don’t seem as bothered about the relationship.

The thing is they haven’t done anything horrific they are just difficult people who use to make me feel a bit crap . And technically are again I guess.