School trip

[Takingthemic]

I’m recently divorced and have had to start life again, just bought a new house with my 4 children (with a mortgage) work full time, no savings. I’m a higher earner but with cost of living, there isn’t much left at the end of the month.

My son will be in his last year of secondary school next year. So far, I haven’t been able to send him on any residential school trips due to my finances (I was only working part-time when we separated so have increased hours to full time, moved to a small 3 bedroom house etc).

My ex husband will not contribute towards trips. This is non negotiable.

The grammar school has a fund and can help people with the cost of trips in certain circumstances. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even qualify, but even if I do, I feel really torn. On one hand, I’m earning a good wage and there are people far worse off than us so we shouldn’t be entitled to the fund. On the other hand, as a single parent it would simply be too expensive to send him and he wouldn’t be able to go (they need the deposit asap).

I’m pretty sure I know the answer but my AIBU is:

YABU - Sort yourself out! You are a higher earner so there is no way you should even consider asking the school for help.

YANBU - As a single parent, trips are expensive and it could be worth asking the school so your son doesn’t miss out.

If you can't afford it, then the fund is there to help people exactly like you

No harm in asking, and saying he has never been on one and his father refuses to contribute. Nothing to lose here.

I am sure the school will tell you the criteria for accessing the funds if you ask them. I don't see the harm in asking. Worse that can happen is they say no.

What are you classing as a 'higher earner'?

You might want to ask them to spread the cost of the trip over a longer period with a smaller deposit. We do this quite often for parents.

Do year 11 do school trips? Usually the focus in exam years means no residential.

I can see why you’re torn. If you are a high earner but have had tons of reduce to single income then I think that’s fair to ask for help. If, in the future you’re in a better position, you could make a donation then for another family.

I think it's fair to ask. As a higher earner you will be paying a lot of tax so contributing to society in a good way. You should take the help if it is there. I have four kids and work full time with a husband to help so hats off to you for doing it on your own!

the school will have their own criteria and requirements in place. If you meet that, then the funds are there for kids like your son too. All you can do is enquire about it.

I would say that if there are any savings to be made for the trip (expensive hobbies, clothing, other luxuries- you know , the things that are definitely nice to have , maybe even deem necessary and you work hard to pay for, but aren’t actually essential)maybe you should look at that first, even if you can’t pay for the whole thing. That might alleviate some of your guilt and second guessing too.

In this situation I’d write a letter to ex dh parents and say “I have never been able to afford a school trip for anyone of the kids but I’d like the eldest to have that experience just once. Is there any chance you could help fund 50% of the cost (you could pay it direct to the school ) or ask exdh to contribute instead? Exdh has refused all my requests so far. I thought if you spoke to dc you’d realise how keen he is, and perhaps you could explain to exdh. It would mean the world to dc and between you come up with a way to find the money.”

Ask- they can say no. It’s for your son’s benefit, not yours. And you’ll regret not trying if he misses out

These funds are for those struggling financially but sometimes it's not just about the money. Perhaps your DS would really benefit from this trip due to the life changes you have all had recently. It's definitely worth asking - and don't feel bad about it. The school will make their own decision.

You can’t afford to send your son and he’s a student at that school, so if there’s a fund, he’s as entitled to it as anyone else. You have nothing to lose by asking.

I'd ask what the criteria are. But it could be that the fund is meant for kids who are worse off than yours. Who have recently lost a parent to cancer. Someone who has been in the care system for a couple of years. Someone on free school meals whose parent has to go without eating proper meals sometimes so their children can eat, who rely on food banks and who can't afford to have any heating on in winter.

And to be honest there will always be people who just can't afford the cost of school residential trips and that's just the way it is. Even families where both parents are working. The fact that their father will not contribute anything is not the fault of the fault of the child, no, but I wouldn't have thought the school can stump up endless funds for feckless parents who choose not to stump up to provide for their child. (Haven't read the full thread so don't know if your kids' dad does fall into this bracket or if he has been terribly unlucky and woudl love to contribute but can't)

I think I'd ask grandparents if they could contribute anything actually before I would ask the school. That's what we had to do. The grandparents were made up to provide such a treat for their grandkids. (I realise not everyone has such support)

Totally fair to ask. It is there to help people who need it. I hope your son gets to go on the trip. Xxx

Well the fund is there to help people so no harm in asking. I clicked YANBU, however it’s very difficult to say without knowing what you class as ‘higher earner’. 70K is very different to 150K plus.

I earn £65k so a very decent salary. I will be ok eventually but it’s been a tough year with moving house (every penny went to that). I feel more reassured by your responses, I thought I’d be crucified for even thinking about it! I think it would be really beneficial for my son and would love for him to have a new experience (he is very shy and lacks confidence).

For those who suggested grandparents, I lost my father recently and my Mum lives in council accommodation with little money. His Dad’s side of the family would not consider contributing unfortunately.

Can only ask I guess! Thanks everyone.

Is your ex paying any maintenance?

£65k is a great salary, but in a house of 5 as the only income I can see it won't go that far.

Funds are generally for those on FSM/ other benefits like universal credit

It does annoy me that the fund would be used to subsidise the child's father not wanting to pay any extra toward their own son's activities. The school will have worked to get that money and he is taking the piss. That said, I do think the OP should find out if she qualifies. Or (tbh) I would explore paying for it on credit if it's the last chance.

65K really isn’t that much, especially with a mortgage, 3 kids on your own and no support from ex. Just explain the circumstances to school, they might be able to partly fund the trip.

OP hasn't said there's no child support from ex though, just that he won't pay toward a trip.

Ah I see, I must have misunderstood.

Def ask OP, you're a single mum of 4 working full-time hours. You should be applauded.

We share custody so no child maintenance is paid. All joint child costs should be split 50/50 (school trips, clubs, phones etc) but the reality is, I pick up the bill. He pays the bare minimum when he has them, doesn’t take them out, on holidays etc. 50/50 shared care meant that our finances were split 50/50 on the divorce along with the family home. I’m not sure if “single parent” is the correct term when it’s shared childcare arrangement but it feels like it because we have barely any communication and I pay for most of the shared costs.

Anyway, I reached out to the school and they were lovely. They’re encouraged me to apply for a fund that can help towards 1/3 of the cost of the trip providing it is educational. The trip relates to his GCSE option so would definitely be beneficial for him. I’ll have to put the rest on a credit card. So there is hope he can go!