To think that adult friendships shouldn’t need “check-in culture”, you’re either close or you’re not?

[OneSereneHazelHam]

There’s this idea now that friendship means constant texting, validating everything, “checking in” like it’s a job. But real closeness isn’t about frequency, it’s about mutual understanding.

AIBU to think the pressure to “maintain” everything ruins the point of low-maintenance friendships?

What is check in culture?
I feel like this is an issue with your friends expectations rather than a culture.

It’s the idea that you should regularly message or ‘check-in’ with friends - even when there’s nothing urgent, to prove you care or to ‘maintain’ a relationship. It’s well-meaning but sometimes it feels performative or forced, especially if the friendship is solid and doesn’t need that kind of upkeep.

I don’t think that there’s a culture per se. Some people regularly post on social media so you know what’s going on in their lives without having to contact them directly where as others might contact friends because they actively miss them and want to hear from them.

Everything feels performative a forced these days....

But perhaps "checking in" is just an expression people have picked up to justify saying hello, it is difficult to maintain relationships with the demands of modern life and its nice people make the effort and try

I agree however none of my friends require checking in with nor do I..
I guess it's OK if you are someone who wants that, to make friends with other people who like that.
The problems arise when someone thinks their specific communication needs are the baseline of NORMAL and anyone who can't meet them is in the wrong.
People all have different communication needs and I think the world would be a better place if we all understood that.
If you are someone who wants to be able to send and receive multiple chit chat messages every day for example, that's fine, but you must understand that isn't everyone's normal and some people will find that hard work to the point they just won't be able to meet your expectations. There's nothing wrong with them and there's nothing wrong with you.. you just both have such differing communication needs that trying to have a close friendship is probably a no go.
So find someone who is able to meet your expectations.

I've had problems in the past with people who expected me to be communicating with them more than I bloody communicate with my husband. And they've just not accepted it when I've tried to talk about how draining I found it and how I wasn't going to be able to do it. They've just got incredibly angry and hurt and tried to make me feel there was something wrong with me.

Now I'm older I just shut down these types of friendship straight away. I don't try and communicate any more than I would naturally do. So people don't get the idea I am able to communicate more than I am.
It's been a long road of undoing all the people pleasing in me.

I still have a large friendship group and am a social person but none of the people I've kept in my life give a shit if you don't message them back same day.
I keep my phone turned off most of the time.
I'll check messages and get back to people in the evening if I'm up to it.
And my expectations work both ways. I do not feel any animosity towards people who take days to reply to my messages etc..
I'm glad we've all found each other 🤣 we work well as a friendship group

I don't recognise this in any of my friendships.

Some friends I message most days, some less often but none of it is performative or forced. It's just whatever is natural for our particular dynamic at the time.

I think some people just like to text and it's not that deep to be honest....