Friends vs family

[Hushmental]

Just want to hear peoples thoughts on this. Dh and I are going through a tough phase the last couple of years.difficult pregnancy and Dh lost his job 1.5 years ago which compounded everything . Anyways he is trying hard to get a job and very frustrated thinking its bad luck and evil eye which is affecting his prospects! I am on maternity leave and we are surviving on my maternity pay trying to pay mortgage and other expenses etc. we cannot really manage with it alone and my family has been helping me financially for many years now. They are not filthy rich but always make sure to help me when i need the most and asked me to repay when i can. They have also provided me with free childcare when needed to be able to save money due to high nursery fees. When i meant family, its not just my parents, But my brothers sisters cousin etc who help me around. This is the reason we bought a home closer to them 3 years ago. We rented near my Dh's friends before that . Just 2 friends and their families whom i had good relationships with but we were never too close. For example i cant ask for help with childcare etc. I know DH is going through a rough phase and I am trying my best to support him but he is increasingly showing his frustration saying he should have stayed closer to his friends and not moved closer to my family. He never liked my family much although doesnt mind getting help from them when needed.I have taken on the financial burden and dealing with everything so that he can prepare for his interviews without worrying about it all, but his behaviour is starting to affect me and i dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how he thinks staying near his friends would have been better just so he can visit them often, I understand he needs to offload etc but surely that cant be the only reason to stay closer to them. He still has few friends nearby who he often meets and play his favourite sport with on a regular basis , we live 1 hr away from them so I understand cant see them often . What should i do? Should i just put up with it or challenge him when he says such things. Really interested to hear peoples perspective on this.

I’m not sure I understand what the issue is. Is he actually proposing that you move house back to your old neighbourhood?

He’s having a difficult time, just as you are, and he’s less ok with being heavily dependent on your family for handouts and childcare. Isn’t it natural that he might hate feeling so dependent on your family and feel the need to confide in friends, or even just have people in his life who don’t regard him as someone who is just a leech snd a failure who needs handouts?

How tough for both of you.

Does he see the extent of the support from your family and resent it, or does he need nudging into realising that, for where you are at right now, there’s a lot of value in being close to real practical and financial family support?

I think there’s a way of challenging kindly. Ultimately you’re both on the same page in wanting to be happy, financially secure, etc, which is an excellent starting point. His remarks around ‘should have’ are unfair to you as you’re both on a new chapter together. Unless he actually wants to make a change - and has valid reasons beyond ‘mates’ - it’s a waste of thought and energy. Focus on what changes are needed that will get you both closer to your goals?

1.5y is a long time to be out of work. Is he in a niche field? Needs (re)training? Salary expectations too high? Can he do something else?

he is not proposing but complaining every single day about this which is sucking the life out if me. It was a decision that was taken together 3 years ago .we are in a very tough situation now because he is refusing to compromise about his job, which against means more borrowing, credit card, debt etc. But choses to complain about this without fail everyday instead pf finding a solution to the real problem.

Thanks for your advice. He doesnt have a good relationship with any of his family members ( lots of fights with parents extended family eyc) so that definitely affects how he sees my family. Regarding his job, he had a niche job and has since retrained and attended more than 30 interviews in the last 1.5 years but haven't received any job offers. He wouldnt go for any entry level job so wants to keep trying.

He needs to get a job. Why do you need help from your family with childcare when you have an unemployed DH? I can't understand how you put up with him.

I was wondering this to ref childcare if he’s at home?

I can understand him not wanting to take any old job, but a year and a half on, with a family, he needs to now take any old job to bring some money in, then he can continue to look and hopefully find something he wants to do.

Needs must when you have bills to pay.

Why isn’t he going absolutely for any job while he’s unemployed? That alone would have me telling him to leave! You and your family have been supporting a grown adult for nearly 2 years and he hasn’t even gone for a job with McDonald’s or a supermarket or cleaning etc? Just sits at home moaning cos he wants to see his mates more???🙄🙄🙄 30 job interviews in 18 months is absolutely ridiculous! if he’d been serious about applying for a job he would have applied for thousands of jobs by now and actually got a job paying the bills even if it wasn’t what he wanted until he was able to go for what he really wanted!

It must be frustrating and seem unfair that he is not recognising the support your wider village (which is his village too!) is bringing to you both.

30 interviews in 1.5 years is about 2 per month. If this is a super niche industry then he might have to accept taking a step back to get back into it. Or does trying some freelancing / contracting work in this field? Or can he use transferable skills to move into something else?

The longer this goes on the worse it will get, so he really needs to set some timescales that if he hasn’t made progress in niche job, he will accept another type of job. The longer he’s out of the market the less easy it is to get back into it and sometimes you need a job in order to get your next job