OH work

[Chocice35]

Just looking for some advice. My OH’s mental health is declining due to being unhappy in work. It’s a bigger issue than that, he has had many jobs throughout his career and they never work out or are fulfilling in the long run. His MH is taking a toll now and I am worried about him not talking about how he’s feeling honestly.
weve been talking about this for some time to find out what brings him happiness and purpose and he has a passion for creating designs but more so to speak running his own business, working for himself. To give him some time freedom.
now I work 30 hours a week with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I am now at a point where I’m considering going back full time so that I can support us financially, and allow him the break he actually needs to focus on his passion and getting his MH back on track.
this is the only thing we haven’t tried and I want to support him, usually it ends in an argument between us because I don’t know how to support him.
does this seem reasonable? Would you do the same?

He needs to start a new venture in his spare time, lessen his work hours to accommodate this if it’s financially feasible. We’d all love to get out the rat-race and find our true passions but have to be sensible about responsibilities and find a balance. Maybe try counselling in the meantime.

Has he sought medical helpful for his mental health problems OP?

Your suggestion seems reasonable if he is actively seeking help. But not if he is undiagnosed and hasn't seen a doctor.

Would suggest he takes point and gets some MH support, as “you take yourself with you no matter where you go” and so dropping hours at work isn’t going to help if nothing replaces it

Perhaps harsh - yet if he can’t stick a job why would he have the resilience and drive required to start his own company?

You will be the one to pick up the slack and that’s not an insubstantial ask - various OP have started their own threads on here where they are doing the FT work, all at home, all the DC to “give their DH/DP space” who then doesn’t do anything but have a long list of excuses

I'd be encouraging your husband to get help...I can see a pattern of never being fulfilled through work. That suggests he has an issue; not working per se.
Honestly OP, how many of us are truly fulfilled through work? Work is a necessary evil in many respects. Work can be annoying, stressful, anxious but we keep going because we need to work financially.
I've worked in a job where my heart sank every morning but I've a family to support.
Do you really want to be in the position where you're parenting two small children and shouldering the income generation for the family?

Is he any good at ‘creating designs’?
If so he could pick up freelance work alongside his day job. Might bring him some fulfilment.

And to answer your question, no, I wouldn't do the same.

‘Creating designs’ is a bit vague but depending on what he’s planning, you might want to bear in mind that AI and Canva are hugely reducing the necessity to use designers and work is harder to come by. Especially with no contacts or portfolio.

fwiw I think the newer alternatives are completely mediocre and no match for truly skilled designers, but the reality most businesses see them as good enough.

This is a really bad time to be leaving secure employment for something he hasn't even attempted as a sideline. If he takes time off and his business tanks, he might find it more difficult to return to work than he realises, and that could be catastrophic for his mental health.
In your shoes I might consider working extra hours and looking at reducing outgoings for some financial security, just in case he refuses to address his issues.

I'd also want to explore why he thinks self employment would be better. Many people dislike work because they don't like being told what to do by someone who has authority over them, they find it constricting, and imagine self employment would bring them freedom. They come down to earth with a thud when they realise they still have responsibilities and deadlines, and answering to suppliers and the bank isn't much different from working for a boss.

Is he treating his mental health problems?
Most people indulge their happiness and passions in their own time, it's a rare luxury to opt out of employment and indulge in hobbies, but it's up to you whether you want to fund this.
Does he parent his kids and perform his half of the housework?

If you're unmarried, are you financially independent/own your own property?

No I wouldn’t…. Your DC are 3 and 1…. You will never get their childhood back and this time with them.

Talk to him tell him it will have to be parked until both kids are in school full time.

Also looking after a 3 and 1 year old might not be good for his mental health. It could be stressful, tiring and is not designed related.

If he was going to go self employed as a designer then I’d expect it to be a gradual process because finding leads will be the hardest bit-especially at first. He couldn’t just quit his job and expect to find enough work immediately and the struggle to find leads could damage his mental health as he’s letting the family down financially.

You sound like an encouraging and supportive spouse but only he can answer how he would like to be supported. For example he might want to use evenings for design work or work a part-time role and start working on the design business too.

Thank you for your replies everyone really insightful. Just to clarify I am in work at the moment doing 30 hours and my eldest is in a school nursery and youngest in a private nursery for the time we’re at work. My job offers flexibility so I’m able to do the drop offs and pick ups etc. but I do get what you’re all saying about what is going to make this any different?
I would just hate for his MH to get that bad and something awful to happen that I wish I allowed him that time to breathe. Money is already tight if I’m honest with a mortgage and some debts so that adds on more pressure too!

I'll be honest, your husband is giving conflicting messages reading your opening post. It appears he's never been happy in a job and now his mental health is being affected. However to me he seems to be putting "working" as the cause and the solution is he gets to do what he wants: something design, working for himself.
If your mental health is in difficulty they're not solutions.
I suffered from a mental health difficulty (severe) and had to take time off but I worked hard to get back to a functioning life. Leaving work can often be disastrous for mental health. You need to learn strategies to get better and live your life: in yourself.
Can he visit his GP and talk about this? Be signed off for a period to enable him to address his mental health? And then go back to work.
I would be concerned on your behalf that you would find yourself stuck in a worse situation.

Is he unmedicated? What is he doing to help himself with his MH? I wouldnt be stretching myself to the point you are thinking of doing unless he had sought professional advice and was taking steps to improve.
I also wouldnt be recommending him leaving paid employment if you have debts, those need addressing with a definite plan first.

Don't do it.

He needs to take control of this, GP, therapy etc.

if you go back full time now - do it for yurself, not for him. If you give him and inch at this point he will take a mile, and he will never go back to work.
He will be "Finding Himself" for the next 10 odd years, probably sat on his PC all day, never doing anything. He may be a Stay at Home - but guarentee he won't do the housework, or look after the kids or anything else due to his "depression" he "won't be able to cope"

You will be doing everything, childcare, housework, full time work, and he simply.... Wont

He needs to fix his own shit, you can't do it for him

He’s actually not doing much to help himself! He occasionally does smoke cannabis on a weekend (when not at home) but I’ve been telling him to go to the doctors for years. He’s reluctant to take any medication (which myself recently went on anti-depressants for anxiety).
it does worry me because his mindset isn’t right, struggles to pay things on time stick to budgets etc so definitely how is this going to work in business?

It won't.
Honestly he just sounds worse after that update.
Do not put yourself in a more difficult situation for him.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Where's his support for you? For his family.
Usually with a family you pull your big pants on and crack on.
Smoking cannabis, refusing to get help and whining about horrible work and his creativity.

Jeepers- 100% don’t put your kids and yourself in a worse position in life if he isn’t willing to help himself, and by extension his family . If he refuses to get help from a doctor then that’s a him problem not a problem for you to fix.

Remember the mumsnet saying don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep someone else warm.

Cannabis is terrible for mental health, that will exacerbate any issues he has - if he has any honest wish to improve his mental health he needs to stop that

The picture painted isn’t a great one - he sounds lazy & unmotivated expecting you to solve the universe for him while he wallows

Not a stellar role model

Good luck