Jealous of ex’s close relationship with his Dad

[UnderWaterAquarium]

My husband and I are separated and still living together. I’ll be the one to move out into a house a couple of miles away. I was the one to initiate the separation due to years of EA and VA from ex(nasty stuff ) I know I have made the right decision but I’m so scared about the impact this will have on my relationship with DS(teen) He is very close to his Dad, they share a bed and I hear them chattting and laughing together before bed which makes me v.jealous and sad. He will always choose to cuddle up to his Dad on the sofa and I try not to let my hurt show. DS is very into politics and history like ex is and they have that in common. Ex holds the upper hand now as he will be staying in the family home.

There will be shared custody but DS shuts down if I try and mention the new place. I’m so scared I am going to lose him. DS can also be verbally rude towards me - for example the first thing he says to me is “I hate you Mammy” or “No-one likes you Mammy” or “No-wonder you’ve got no friends” or “You’ve got a big nose” etc. He is highly intelligent and a high functioning autistic/ADHD. He is capable of being close to me too and being affectionate.

What do I do? It’s such a difficult situation. It’s very early days and I’m trying to give him lots of time. Being jealous isn’t good I know.

It's only natural how you are feeling. There's nothing you can do about their relationship but you can shut him down, every time he insults you. Bit weird with the bed sharing.

It sounds very difficult.

He will have learned how to treat you from his Dad. You need to make it clear speaking to you in that way is entirely unacceptable.

You won’t get respect of you don’t demand it.

He doesn’t want to talk about your new home because he doesn’t want you to move out. He’ll get used to it once it happens.

They share a bed? A teenager? That’s really odd. Teenagers need their own space and privacy. As for how he speaks to you, he’s learnt it from his dad, growing up in an abusive home (even when the abuse isn’t directed at the child) will really mess up a person.

You’ve got to take responsibility for the relationship you have with your son and they way you let him treat you

He has heard a lot of things over the years that no kid should hear. A couple of times he’s asked me why doesn’t Daddy get his phone taken off him when he calls you names or Daddy calls you that, why can’t I? Etc. Tried to end the marriage twice before but ex would always move back in. I had to do something drastic like being the one to move out but this does put ex in a position of power when it comes to our oldest.

I understand it’s really difficult, I know he doesn’t want me to go, it’s awful. I know that he will look for me and miss me when I’m not living there. I’m the one to make things special like birthdays, Christmas and I cook and bake etc, ex can’t cook, it’s all ready meals etc.

The sleeping in the same bed is super weird. He needs boundaries.
Do either of you worry about how he will cope as an adult ? I have a autistic teen dd who will always need a carer so I understand additional needs . But basics like teaching them to sleep in a bed alone is very important.

His dad especially sounds like he is crossing alot of lines when it comes to longterm mental health. He is obviously not putting his child's needs first.
Maybe when you move you could try to get an outside agency's help and inform them of this stuff. If he won't listen to you maybe he will listen to them.
Other then that just try to create a nice bedroom in your new home for him and hope over time he will become closer to you now that you are away from is dad .

I'm so sorry OP, this is a horrible time for you and it's understandable that you feel this way. I would just continue being loving and affectionate with your boy and don't make too much mention of the new place. He's probably feeling very anxious and is in a state of uncertainty about the future - his whole world is being turned upside down. You need to give it lots of time and try and be a calm and consistent influence in his life. Take it one day at a time and try not to catastrophise if he is hostile and tricky when you move to the new place. It's a big change for him to get used to. Sending you hugs, you will all get through this and come out the other side. Your new place will be a peaceful sanctuary after this turbulent time.