To ask when he's going to be back home?

[MrsSorryNotSorry]

Backstory is OH cheated on me earlier on this year with a woman at work. He did it 4 weeks after I'd had our son. Started in February. 10 days after our son was born, my dad went into A&E with a suspected infection. He came out diagnosed with terminal cancer with weeks to live and died 6 weeks later in March. I was also suffering with horrendous PND.
The night of the day he died, OH went on a planned night out and did not return until 3pm the following day. He had spent the night with this girl in a hotel room. He was also sneaking off of an evening to see her and sleep with her. The affair came out beginning of April (2 days before my dad's funeral) and there was no remorse shown. He went chasing after her, she didn't want him when she found out he was still with me. I had a mental breakdown with an attempt and I'm still suffering with PTSD from it all.

We got back together around a month later, mainly because I had huge separation anxiety and wanted to make things work as it was ripping me to shreds having to part with my 2 month old. It was difficult at first but the remorse started to come through and he has tried.

So today he's got a celebration day at work where the college he works at breaks up. Said girl will be there. They're all going out for drinks afterwards. He's offered not to go but I've pushed as I don't want him to feel like he can't go out. It's caused me so much stress and anxiety as all the triggers are there. However everytime I've asked him for a time when he'll be back he ignores it, brushes it off and said he doesn't know if it'll be late.

It's not even 8am and I'm throwing up and crying my eyes out. He left for work 2 hours ago. It feels just like before and it's bringing everything back. I've asked again this morning still can't give me an idea of when I can expect him back home. He's read my message and ignored it, ignored my phone call. I just want a time to work towards in my head as I know I'm going to be even worse tonight and I've got 4 children to look after.

AIBU? I really am trying.

This isn't the way to live. You can't trust him so I am not sure why you got back together. Sorry that you are finding things tough, I would suggest counselling to deal with your partner and grief of your dad's death.

He doesn't know when he will be back. He's not going to choose a time.

Gently, YABU. You are expecting a man who has already proven he doesn't give a flying fuck about you to give a fuck about you.

He has shown you who he is, and instead of accepting it, you're trying to.. What? Manage him? Change him? What are you trying to do?

You need counselling badly can you afford to go private?

This husband of yours is not good for you he is not sorry he doesn't care about you or his child you need to get yourself in a better space mentally to move forward possibly without him but in a stronger position to deal with him right now your dealing with him from a position of weakness you NEED strength

So sorry for all you've been through OP. The relationship sounds to be very damaged. Agree with others you need a lot of help with what you've been through x

Oh OP what a horrendous time you've had. As others have said, is counselling an option? I think talking to someone would help.

Unfortunately, OP, you've said it's OK for him to go, therefore you have to trust him, and you have no right to try to pin him down to a time to come back.
If you still don't trust him, you need to consider ending the relationship. You can't have it both ways.

He shouldn't have "offered" not to go he should have said he definitely WASN'T going in view of the upset he must know this will quite rightly cause you.

He shouldn't even be going. You need to be honest with him. If it was my partner, he wouldn't even be working there anymore.

This is not a partner

How long were you leaving your baby? I don't think you need to do that when they are so young. Maybe 30-60 mins once or twice a day if you feel up to it but even that might not be appropriate.

This is it in a nutshell. The trust has well and truly gone (which is hardly surprising given his behaviour). Can you really continue to lead a life where you’re so panicked about what your husband will do on a night out that you’re vomiting before he’s even gone?

I am amazed you took him back OP. He betrayed you horribly at a time where you were very vulnerable and your mental health is still suffering as a result. I’m not saying it can’t work out but my view it is way too early to be relaxed about his having a social outing where this woman is going to be there as well. In your shoes I would definitely have taken him up on his offer not to go, in fact I’d have insisted he didn’t go at this stage if he was genuinely remorseful and wanting to rebuild the relationship and not further trigger mental health issues for me. Ideally he would have insisted on not going… I suspect your poor mental health is clouding your judgement a bit in terms of where your boundaries are drawn. It’s ok to stand up for your own wants and needs in a relationship. I would really urge you to seek some counselling for this to talk this sort of thing through.

Going out on the pi*s on the day my father dies would have finished it for me, he really does not care about you at all op. You need to work on yourself and build up your self esteem, and I don't really know if that's possible whilst you're in a relationship with this man.

Sorry OP 😞 you say he's trying but it's very early days and he should absolutely not have gone on this night out, knowing how this is going to make you feel. If he were really trying he wouldn't have gone.

If you stay with him, you are always going to feel like this - he has proven that you can't trust him and he's treated you appallingly. I think you really do have decide if this is what you're willing to put up with.

I would never take a cheater back. Alot of people might say its good to work things out for the sake of your family but I could NEVER forgive someone who sticks their dick inside another person when they are supposed to be loyal to me.

staying with such a person will eat at you every day. Get rid of the dirty bastard!

This man doesn't love you. I think you should try to concentrate on your mental wellbeing and your baby, I think counselling is desperately needed for you. What an awful time you've had.

This. Even without the cheating and dreadful behaviour - this action, going out the day your dad died, shows you who this man is. Preplanned or whatever, a good partner would have cancelled literally anything to be with you that evening. Please reconsider the relationship and as pp say get some support to help you. Wish you all the best.

OP, you've had an horrendous time. Your partner has shown you who he is, and that his priority is himself. He doesn't give two hoots about you or your distress. I say this as someone who ended up in hospital with a 30% chance of survival, and my then partner decided the best course of action to take was to see how many women he could shag, whilst I was fighting for my life in ICU. Of course it was all my fault, because I was ill. My ex didn't love me, he didn't respect me, he didn't show any remorse and he didn't give two shits how distressed I was. Your partner is showing you exactly the same. He's doing zero to help the situation, and by going on this night out, he knows how upset you will be, yet is still going. Again, proving my point that he's only interested in himself. Getting back together has clearly been a huge mistake. Your MH has taken a huge hit, with everything that has been going on in your life (unsurprisingly). You need to seek some therapy urgently, because you need to be strong mentally. I'm sorry to say but your partner will cheat again (as mine did, numerous times) and by taking him back, you have given him the green light to cheat, because there's been no consequences to his behaviour by you. Sending much love and a hug ♥️

What a disgusting person he is. I’m so sorry OP. You need to look at getting some support to not be with him, not losing your mind trying to fix him.

His behaviour has been beyond appalling. For your own future you need to end this. He is vile. Reach out for support and speak to the GP. You don’t deserve to be treated so badly.

YABU

being with this pathetic man.

End the relationship. You will feel better and able to start healing without him making you feel worse.

Thanks all for the replies. It's been a tough day and I've got out of him that he'll be back by 11 which has upset me more, I don't know why. I've ended up blocking him, saying I was done and asking him to stay at his moms as I was just in pieces speaking to him.

Before the affair he worshipped the ground I walked on, was an amazing partner and we were so good together. I think part of me is clinging onto that. However I know things have changed and it's so hard to come to terms with that. I love him very much and really struggled without him for that month.

I am receiving counselling and my third session is on Monday. I'm on sedatives but unable to take them at the moment due to having the children.

I don't know what to do. Sat crying again.

How are you feeling OP? Did he go to his mum's last night?