Cousin’s Wedding - my husband (and children) excluded

[BeAquaPombear]

So as the title suggests, my cousin is getting married in August. I was really excited for her, and had already asked if my children could come (boys aged 2 and 3). She said of course.
I received the invite today, only I am invited to the ceremony!
My husband and children are invited to the reception which is 2 hours later.
We live about an hour and a half drive away, and the ceremony is at 9.15am! So we will have to get two very small children up and out really early for something they aren’t then even part of!
When I have questioned this, she said the registry office has limited capacity (45 guests). I replied that she could have given me a heads up, or even just invited my husband to the ceremony (I could have asked a relative to have the children). She just said she’s sorry that I feel that way.
I totally get that it’s her day, but I just find it really rude to exclude my husband at least from the ceremony.
For reference, I got married in May 2021, when covid restrictions were in force. My cousin wasn’t invited to the ceremony (although my Auntie / her Mum) was, because the capacity was 18. For my reception, with a capacity of 30, I made sure that her AND her then boyfriend were included, at the expense of my friends.

am I being unreasonable to be really upset by this?

If she'd done that you'd probably be moaning about having to get a babysitter/childcare!

Thank you for all of your perspectives. I fear I have been unreasonable 😩. For some context, I have struggled hugely with mental illness and addiction, and was on psychiatric hospital for periods of time in my teens. I also have ADHD and autism so struggle a lot with social environments that others may think nothing of. I have been sober completely since 2019, and I have to work extremely hard to keep my head above water.
My cousin is very aware of this (she visited me when I was in psychiatric hospital) so I perhaps would have hoped for a bit more clarity at least.

I'm so sorry about your struggles.

But still, I don't see what it has to do with the wedding?

Just go the night before and get a hotel room.

Let your DH follow up the next day with the kids.

You go to the ceremony they join you later. What's the issue? She's said why. Fair enough

Sounds like you’ve had a tough time. But for this event, her wedding, it’s not her job to pre empt how you may respond to all potential outcomes, she will have her own stress and lots of guests and things to consider, it’s her day, there’s only so much she can do to keep everyone happy. She obviously thought your DH would be watching the kids as you wanted them to come to the wedding (so wouldn’t have likely arranged childcare for the whole day anyway) and now the guest list is sorted she can’t just kick someone else out of the house wedding. Just remind yourself that ultimately the happy couple having a great day is what’s important here.

But for this event, her wedding, it’s not her job to pre empt how you may respond to all potential outcomes, she will have her own stress and lots of guests and things to consider, it’s her day, there’s only so much she can do to keep everyone happy.

That. Organising a wedding is a massive amount of work and trying to balance everyone's needs is close to impossible. I'm afraid that your specific needs can't be at the forefront of her mind when she has so much else to do. And I bet that a lot of her guests, to either event, have their own issues, practical or emotional, too.
Your centering yourself into her planning, and that's an unrealistic expectation.

I think it's nice that you are all invited to the reception. If you all want to travel together can you just all go later and say you'll miss the ceremony too?

She’s been perfectly clear.

Sorry, I should phrase it that I just would have like a heads up before receiving the invite, since our original discussion implied that even the children were invited to the ceremony

You sound a right moan. She has limited numbers and you are having a drama.

I’d always rather be invited to the party than the actual (and boring - I am married to!) ceremony bit

What difference would it have made? The invite is the heads up

She's handled it cackhanded, but maybe try and look at it as she's bumped you up to be one of her 21/22 at the registry office rather than bumping your husband and kids down

If you'd rather all just go to the reception then do that.

Yabu. Dont go then. You have a decision here...go on your own and enjoy family catch up or don't go . It's such a limited number invited imagine who haven't been able to invite

I think it's very odd when one half of a couple is invited but with such restrictions on numbers for the ceremony I probably wouldn't have included cousins at all.

She had to make a call and probably thought it woukd be easier for your come alone, leaving DH with DC than for you both to go. It's a short registry off ceremony, it's not like DH will be missing out.

With the early start and having to organise the DC, I'd probably decline the ceremony invitation and go with the family to the reception.

Your small children do not want to sit through a wedding ceremony. She's doing them a favour.

I seriously doubt that your DH is devastated about missing the vows either.

It's a win-win. You can go to the ceremony and enjoy it in peace. Your DH and children can join for the bit they'll actually enjoy later.

If it's too logistically difficult then you all just go to try party afterwards.

Had a similar capacity for our register office wedding. Buy the time we had parents, brothers and their families, and aunties and uncles there there weren't many spaces for our friends, let alone cousins! Think yourself lucky to have been included and stop whining about it. It's not your wedding.

You’re being unreasonable OP. I highly doubt your husband is particularly bothered about missing the ceremony anyway, and if it had just been you & him invited you’d be on here winging about having to arrange childcare- she can’t win.

It’s her day, back off.

Why would a heads up before the invite have helped in reality? It would have been the same information just delivered slightly sooner, the outcome stays the same. She's only got one space to allocate for you at the ceremony. Not a plus one. Or a plus three. She's been really clear that she's struggling for space. It's not personal. Your DH surely won't care, it sounds like you're a bit wobbled at the thought of going without him though, which is fair enough.

You've got a couple of choices, buckle up and head over there for the ceremony with DH keeping an eye on the DC for an hour it won't be longer than that, probably half that, and then go for brunch and on to the reception together.

Or, you skip the ceremony, being honest that you can't wrap your head round the logistics as you're not in a great place, and you'll see them at the reception.

It's not personal. It really isn't.

I would hate to have to try get 2 toddlers ready for a 9am wedding! I think she's done you a favour.

It sounds as if she originally did want all of you there but when push came to shove with numbers, she’s had to really cut back.
You were a little rude in the way you responded but perhaps let her know you’re looking forward to the day and then think about using some of the suggestions people have made to make it work for you all.

Just go the night before and get a hotel room.
Let your DH follow up the next day with the kids.

Yep, go out for a peaceful solo dinner with a good book, or room service and a wallow in the bath followed by breakfast in bed before the ceremony.

She has given you a heads up. A month’s heads up. This is not about you. It’s about your cousin and her wishes and priorities.

If you asked her when she got engaged, they probably hadn’t settled on a venue yet so she didn’t know what the capacity restrictions would be.

No way would I want a 2 and 3 year old at my wedding!