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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little sad about my Grandpa's choice?

13 replies

flossish · 25/05/2008 11:03

My grandma died about 10 yrs ago suddenly. It was her wish that her and Grandpa have a shared grave, thus she was planted two coffins down. He has had a platonic friendship for several years with another lady - it all got quite complicated and this arrangement ended shortly before she passed away. However he has now said that he wishes to be cremated. His wishes are his wishes obviously and we will follow them. I just feel a little sad and sentimental about the arrangements made with my grandmother and that after 50 + yrs of marriage he won't be following her wishes. If heaven exists he's in for one hell of an ear bashing when he gets there!

OP posts:
Alambil · 25/05/2008 11:07

You could inturn his ashes above her grave - then the essence would be the same?

LOL @ the ear bashing!

Original poster
flossish · 25/05/2008 11:11

no he doesn't want that - minimal fuss. He says he doesn't cqare where they go - just seems a little sad!

OP posts:
Alambil · 25/05/2008 11:35

but if he doesn't care... you could do it

It is sad but I think the romantic notion of being buried together is more appealing to the female of the species - most men I know want to be cremated in the cheapest coffin etc with little/no fuss...

I'm sorry you're having to think about this - all a bit morbid really, especially when his plans have changed!

CombustibleLemon · 25/05/2008 12:06

He lost your Grandma suddenly, then managed to find companionship again, and that broke down with the lady dying shortly afterwards. Could he just be feeling very down and lonely? My Grandad tore up photos of himself as a child because he felt he had outlived everyone that they could be relevant to .

Original poster
flossish · 26/05/2008 09:25

I don't know CL - I was quite shocked at how unrepentant he was, not the right term but hope you get my jist, over the quick way this lady died.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 26/05/2008 10:01

How sad for you

As your gf says he doesn't care where he's laid to rest perhaps you could explain how much it would mean to you to honour your gms wishes. it sounds to me like your gf could be depressed and lonely, not alot you can do about that really expect be understanding and try not to take things personally. you could suggest he see's his gp if you feel really strongly and think he might be receptive

my gf passed first and was cremated, his ashes were stored away and he was interred with my gm when she passed (normal burial). as other poster said it should still be possible for you to bury his ashes with your gm.

Highlander · 26/05/2008 10:42

Not that I want to jump the gun here..........
depression in the elderly is horribly undiagnosed, or frequently confused with dementia.

Keep an eye on him - is he sleeping lots during the day but wandering at night? Losing interest in life? Not socialising?

If he takes lots of meds, make sure he drinks well as well, as dehydration and polypharmacy are not comfortable bedfellows.

Help The Aged are fab at giving advice.

tigermoth · 26/05/2008 10:55

If depression is not the reason for all this, I think in the end you must respect your grandfather's wishes.

IMO it is very much his right to choose what happens to his body - personally I would be very upset if someone put pressure on me to have my body buried, when I wanted it cremated. So I think you must tread carefully.

GrimmaTheNome · 26/05/2008 10:56

YANBU but its his choice.

nervousal · 26/05/2008 11:12

YAB a wee bit unreasonable. Its up to him what he does - and I'm sure your Gran would have supported that.

OrmIrian · 26/05/2008 11:17

Oh god combustible "My Grandad tore up photos of himself as a child because he felt he had outlived everyone that they could be relevant to "...that is so sad and so true. My parents have both started madly turfing things out - things from their childhoods that have been part of my life too. It is just so horrible but in the end, their choice not mine.

I would think about the depression idea OP, if there is anything calculated to cause depression I think it must be being the 'last one left'. Poor man.

Original poster
flossish · 28/05/2008 08:25

nervousal - oh no - trust me she wouldn't!

I don't think he is depressed - since gm died he's gone off on a bit of a tangent with reiki healing and also spiritulist churches - I suspect this might be behind his change of heart.

He has quite a fulfilled life, he lives near my mum and they do things together several times a week. He has a little dog he adores and puts before all else (another thread I think!!) and attends several weekly gatherings at his sheltered accomadation flat.

OP posts:
edam · 28/05/2008 08:39

If he doesn't even want his ashes interred in the grave, you could always scatter them on the plot.

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