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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take on troubled teen

14 replies

whatwouldwear · 02/07/2025 13:05

14 year old nephew has been on self destruct for a few years, trouble at school, bad friend group, drinking etc.

His mum is exhausted and has almost given up on him. At home he is lazy and rude, if she tries to challenge him he has got aggressive and lashes out (at objects not her) so he pretty much does as he likes and they don’t communicate. He has a younger sibling with SN who is has to share a room with, doesn’t have a relationship with his dad or get on with his mums boyfriend (who doesn’t live with them)

When we see him he is polite and helpful and good with our dc but this is only ever for a couple of hours out of the house and I don’t doubt his behaviour at home.

I feel like his chances are running out and he needs intervention now so we are considering having him here for the summer. We are 3 hour drive away so will get him away from bad friends, give him some space from mum and sibling and can keep him busy. Give him some work so he can earn some money, get him out of the house doing activities and exercise. He gets on well with DH and feel he needs a positive male role model.
In my head it’s going to work well and he will just be like how he is when we visit but reality it probably isn’t going to be that simple.

I’ve got 4 younger children here, + an older one. 2 have additional needs but we have support and cope well. Obviously taking him in will take time away from them and I guess could come at some risk to them.

Has anyone does it? Is it fair on my children?

OP posts:

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 02/07/2025 13:08

Speak to him about it, lay some ground rules and review often.

How do your dc feel about it?

You risk losing the positive relationship that you have but I would want to try.

minipie · 02/07/2025 13:08

I think it’s a lovely idea but you need a plan B.

In other words what happens if he gets to yours and is fine for a few days but then starts being awful to your other kids (for example).

Also your ideas like get him some work and doing exercise - what will you do if he just refuses?

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 02/07/2025 13:09

What others wrote. Thank you for considering it, it sounds like things could do with a reset at home.

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 13:11

I think it will do him the world of good kids always behave better away from their parents but remember the reason why you're doing it and dont create a nice easy life for him he needs to be up and out of bed doing chores and following rules.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/07/2025 13:12

It's a lovely idea but what if he doesn't want to go back in September, which is a big possibility.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 02/07/2025 13:18

Lovely idea, I would talk to him about your expectations ect. and do it.
I would also have a review on a week by week basis to ensure your own family is safe and comfortable with him being there.

However I would be cautious about letting a troubled 14yo earn money. It could be a good incentive for good behaviour until he has the amount he wants, after that he might be pushing to get back home to his friends....

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/07/2025 13:34

If I also had my own kids in the house, I wouldn't.

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 13:56

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/07/2025 13:34

If I also had my own kids in the house, I wouldn't.

Its her nephew not some random kid

JustGiveMeWineNow · 02/07/2025 14:07

I think it is a great idea. He is a lucky boy to have such a kind aunt. But def lay down your ground rules!!

PrincessFairyWren · 02/07/2025 14:16

We used to have my difficult nephew during lots of school holidays. It was hard because he was very challenging. But he is my nephew and I really think knowing that he had people in his life that love him has helped him. For the pill that he was he had experienced a lot of rejection and abandonment. I think it was good for someone to see him as a good person. Plus I’d like to think family would look out for my kids if the need arose.

I am sure that your sister loves him, but the above was about my nephew.

AbzMoz · 02/07/2025 14:18

What a lovely kind aunt you are!

It definitely sounds like he could really use the intervention, with clear guidelines and opportunities to feel seen and heard. I do think you and your partner / sister need to be on the same page around what happens if he causes trouble (and what you define that as) and what consequences you can / will enforce.

I also hope your sis reflects on the break and how she can make time for him when he returns. I hope that she proactively checks in with him and reinforces he is doing great work, being a real help to his cousins etc as that would likely mean the world to him.

Original poster

whatwouldwear · 02/07/2025 17:23

Don’t really have a plan B, if we commit to having him for the 6 weeks I would want to actually commit to it and not just send him back because he’s difficult as that’s the whole reason he’s coming.

kids would be happy with the idea but they don’t really know about his issues and they’re generally happy with anything

OP posts:

Original poster

whatwouldwear · 02/07/2025 18:19

FrenchandSaunders · 02/07/2025 13:12

It's a lovely idea but what if he doesn't want to go back in September, which is a big possibility.

Thats a major concern, that he might get on well here but the soon as he gets home just go back to how things were or that he might resent being there even more and we’d made things worse.

I think the break for SiL will be good and she might be able to set up a better routine and boundaries after though.

DH and I have discussed the option of keeping him here for the next four years and having him educated here or even boarding school. It would be completely life changing for him but we have other nieces and nephews and wouldn’t be able to do the same for them and have our own children to get through school that might struggle yet.
His future isn’t looking great right now and it’s desperately sad but I don’t know how much responsibility we can take on.

OP posts:

thiswilloutme · 02/07/2025 18:32

I did it for my nephew when he was 16 and just left school (as you could back then). We live at the other end of the country and it was to get him away from weed smoking "friends", he was at real risk of being drawn into a life of crime.

My own DC were older, but it still had a big impact on their lives. They loved him but he stole from all of us, including something very sentimental from one of my DDs.

He was with us for 6 months - I don't regret doing it, but it was too long.

He's now an adult, with a zero hours paying job, in what seems to be a tempestuous relationship, we don't have much contact with him, DSis sometimes has to go NC for her own sake. On the plus side he has work and a relationship, and some good friends from school who have stood by him. It could have been a lot worse. I really don't know how much good that time with us did, but it's hard not to step in and help when it could be a lifeline you are offering.

My DN was actually a delight to live with in many ways, which is why it went on for so long, but having to put locks on bedroom doors, and remembering to lock them, was a strain for my DC.

Good luck in whatever you decide..

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