To feel I will never be someone’s no1

[coffeegirl73]

I had a “moment” in work yesterday and was just thinking to myself I’m so sick and tired of never ever being anyone’s “1st choice” to talk to. I mean I’m single - which doesn’t bother me most of the time - I don’t know any many age that I actually like tbh! But yesterday in work this guy, he’s around the same age as me, quite fit, I like him – not “like like” – he and another colleague were chatting – this colleague was sitting next to me – she’s lovely I like her a lot. Anyway I tried to join in the convo and the dirty look he gave me – he just ignored anything I said -she smiled at me – but I just went back to work and didn’t say anything else. Now you’re probably thinking I’m way too over-sensitive but I’m really not – it’s just that this happens regularly. I think I’m joining in, and being friendly but nobody ever chooses to talk to me – they’d rather talk to someone else and I’m often left on the outside. Is it the way I look – maybe – I mean I’m a bit fat, I’m 50, but I make the most of myself, make-up on and nice clothes. Like with my colleague yesterday – she’s nice -looking, very slim and natural and of course younger. I just got a vibe off him that he wanted to talk to her and I was not welcome. It’s just an example, but it happens a lot in social situations. So much so I don’t go out very much – I just feel bad about myself afterwards. And I’ve tried all the ‘fake it til you make it’ things, and I’ve tried being less friendly – sometimes I think I’m too much maybe, or I don’t even know any more. But I just got sad as I thought there is nobody in the world who would actually choose to talk to me over someone else. I know boo hoo. I only feel sorry for myself for a few minutes then let it go. But anyone else feel like this

@coffeegirl73 I'm really sorry you feel this way. Your post made me feel for you. FWIW you come across as self-aware, rational and largely positive. Your male colleague sounds like a bit of a tool tbh and possibly has a bit of a work-crush on your female colleague, hence acting prickly. Immature behaviour. Do you have good friends who make you feel valued, family etc?

You have be your own number 1!

Maybe he fancies her, or maybe it was just the fact that the two of them were having a conversation, which you tried to join, and he didn't want you to?

Yep!! Perfect response.

Be the girl that has her s* together, knows what she wants, do things for you, solo dates, you don’t need lots of friends or a boyfriend to be incredible.

Ah thanks all. Yeh I got that vibe too. He wanted to chat to her and her alone didn’t want me anywhere near. I was sat right there anyway I could hear and see everything tho I pretended not to! Yeh have to be my own no1 fan. Just would be nice if the odd time someone actually wanted to talk to me as their first choice. But yeh am not dwelling on it it just hit me at the time thx all

I'm sorry, but this dynamic is really odd: you are talkign as if you are in high school. I would say you need to behave professionally and separate personal and work life.

I mean, you are a 50 yo woman, at a work setting. Why are you concerned with how you look and how she looks? Maybe the two colleagues were discussing a work project or something not relevant to you?

Right

lol no they were talking about a bakery. Colleague always brings lovely rolls and buns from this bakery. She had shared some with me and a couple of others earlier in the morning. They were talking about the buns and rolls . I was sitting right beside her so they must have known I could hear like it wasn’t a private convo was in the middle of open plan office. I like to look nice is that a crime? 🤣

I was only speculating did he ignore me cos if my age or my looks or my personality. Prob a combination. Have you ever been ignored and frozen out of a conversation. It’s not very nice. And I’ve experienced it a lot. Doesn’t reflect well on me I know tho. Take a chill pill !

I mean this in the nicest possible way, OP, but sometimes it can be irritating when someone just comes and joins in with a conversation that two people are having. Do you think maybe you’ve got a habit of butting in to others’ conversations?

I had something very similar happen to me once. I was about 48 at the time and worked with a very pretty 23 year old. Anyway, a man was casually chatting to the 23 year old, I was sitting right next to her and joined in the conversation. The man instantly looked at me and said 'I was not talking to you, I was talking to her!' She didn't fancy him anyway but that comment put her off him completely and we both laughed about it afterwards. I learnt from it, though! I don't think I thought anything of joining the conversation at the time but to him, it was an unwanted interruption; fair enough.

I often feel that people would choose to talk to others rather than to me. I don't command attention like some people do and have always much preferred to have one close friend. Never been good in groups; a friend group isn't something I would enjoy at all.

That’s what I mean about never being anyone’s first choice to talk to! Sometimes in work I don’t talk to anyone and nobody speaks to me either and then I go home. I don’t think I was pushy but maybe I am just an annoying person prob explains it tbh I mean I was sitting there right at the desk beside hers like side by side. Should I have just ignored them. And pretended to not hear anything and keep working . Ok . Nobody ever comes over to my desk for a chat that’s the problem.

This happens to me too! I also noticed that if I’m talking in a group or I’m one of 3 people the others always seem to talk to each other and leave me out. I don’t understand why. I’ve asked DP and a close friend if I’m weird with eye contact or how I speak but they say I’m not (I suppose they would say that!) but it happens to me quite often. I’ve tried saying less in some situations and being louder in others and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Sorry, no advice but you have my sympathy!

Go and start conversations with people but do it when they’re not talking to someone else. Three way conversations can be weird, lots of people don’t like a third person joining in.

Glad it’s not just me - I’m happy your dh is nice to you X

Ok that’s good advice. Wonder will anyone ever come talk to me

@coffeegirl73are you good friends with anyone at your workplace? I ask that because I’m quite close friends with a couple of people I work with so we will sort of gravitate towards chatting to each other if we happen to pass each others desks. I get on well with everyone else but I wouldn’t necessarily go and stand and chat with one of the others.

might be worth trying to form one or two good friendships with colleagues you particularly like and then you’d probably find that they gravitate to talk to you.

lots on here will shudder at the thought of being close friends with workmates but I’ve found I’ve made good friends with just a couple of people at each workplace I’ve worked at.

I'm a fifty year old woman. I'm also in an authority position. I find mostly that people at work talk to me when they want something and otherwise show little care or interest.

I try and turn to the people who will give me a sense of warmth or genuine friendliness, and have zero expectations of most people. I can go days or weeks without having a genuine nice chat with someone. The colleague I see most is really moody with me and was thoroughly unpleasant today. I try to shrug it off and not think too much about it. Not always easy I know,but even at my age, I am trying to learn not to care or take responsibility for others liking or disliking me.

As long as I am professional. I have actual friends outside of work that matter to me.

Yeh I think with everyone being in the office twice a week it can be hard to get to know people ikwum