Starting to regret letting an old friend back into my life

[Unsurewhattodo792]

… I just don’t want to cause drama or look like I’m messing her about

We were close friends for 15/16 years. Fell out because of her judgemental comments and neediness. Hit the last straw towards end of 2023. I ended the friendship.

Out of the blue got a message a month ago. She had some big life news and I guess felt like she wanted to tell me. Considered ignoring the message but something in me wanted to reply. We’ve been texting and catching up on phone since.

I told her I regret ending friendship and want her back in my life. It would take some time to get back to normal of course. A couple of days ago we messaged and I just saw a bit of the old her back, not even that bad but it just reminded me why I let go and how I felt lighter without her.

She hurt me quite a bit and I feel like I let her back in like nothing happened, but obviously that was my choice!

Shall I just let things fade

Oh lord you let her go because she hasn't good for you and she's showing you again. Take note and quick fade.

Wasn't *

YANBU. I’m not sure how you get out of it now without it all blowing up and her turning nasty. I cut someone out about 18 months ago when I finally realised that the way she kept being horrible to me is not okay. But we were close and I do miss her at times. I can see how easy it would be to get drawn back in. All I can think to suggest is that you call her out on her nasty comments, and after that’s happened a few times say that you realise you’ve made a mistake and it would be better for both of you to part company.

Do you/did you actually communicate with her about what makes you feel the way you do in her company? Ie 'When you say x, I feel y'? Because they way you write, it sounds as if your 'communication' was just ending the friendship. Does she know why?

Did you mean it when you told her you regretted ending it? What has changed? If you are seeing signs in her behaviour that remind you of why you ended the friendship in the first place, then I think you should tell her clearly. Then you both decide if this is something you want to continue on new, clearer terms.

I consistently pulled her up on things which lead to her saying I was being too sensitive or controlling. She blamed her autism for saying things sometimes and I didn’t feel like she ever really understood why she upset me (or others)

Every text was urgent, she messaged always expecting a fast reply. There was a day I had an awful time with both kids being unwell and just took myself off my phone. Not only did she message me about 6 times because I hadn’t replied all day, she also sent her boyfriend out (he works near my house) to check on me as she said she was worried. Although this might sound nice and caring, it shows how I couldn’t even have 1 day without texting her.

She was, 95% of the time an incredibly caring friend. She was there through every dark stage of my life, and of course all my happy ones too.

Then I suppose all you can do is say 'Look, X, the reason I decided I had to end our friendship last time was because of your need for fast replies to texts and unpleasant comments that you didn't seem to understand were upsetting. I won't be dealing with any of that again. I've asked you not to say X, and I'm making it very plain now that I won't be engaging in frequent text pingpong during the average day. If that's not something you can accept, we may be better off accepting that this friendship isn't working.'

Back away again.

Exactly this OP ..

Yes I definitely need too!

You've only posted about this recently and got some good advice, mainly around not being sucked back in.
What more do you need to hear?

What do you mean?

Let it fizzle out. There is a reason why you let this friendship go.