To be irritated when this cliche is trotted out

[Retrolife]

One of my close family love to say something along the lines of “things will happen when you least expect it” whenever I have disappointments in life. AIBU to think that this removes my agency in the situation, discourages me from having goals and minimises my disappointment?

I think it’s just what people say when they’re trying to gently cheer somebody up about a disappointment, rather than potentially make them feel more despondent by saying “yes, it’s unfair and shit, sometimes that’s just how life is.” Or when telling the truth (“look, you aren’t good enough, that’s why you didn’t get the job / win the prize”) would be hurtful and cause upset.

It’s fine to find it irritating I suppose but I think the “therapy speak” about agency and minimising is a bit OTT.

This is an interesting point because life does happen like that, but also you need to put yourself in a position where things can "happen ".

After DH died I had a policy of never saying no to an invitation. It meant I went to places and did things I wouldn't have chosen for myself, and went with people I didn't necessarily think of as friends, but it opened a world of opportunity for me and things did indeed happen that I wasn't expecting. My only "plan" was to get out of the house and not become a recluse 😆

I agree. I mean, I also agree it's irritating, but some people are just crap at sitting with the discomfort caused by disappointment/failure. Rather than just saying 'I'm sorry -- you must be gutted' and leaving it at that, they try to tidy it up. My own mother is terrible for this.

Thank you. Yes, it is my DM too! And also my BF. Both can’t tolerate my disappointment. Which means I now share less with them, which is a shame.

i’m so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you have been incredibly brave after such a terrible loss.

”it’s not meant to be”

load of tosh

Just recognise that their shit is their shit. Show some people an uncomfortable emotion, and they panic and try to bang it up and cover it up with a 'Let's not go there' cliché. You can't change them, though you can certainly tell them that you don't find what they're saying helpful -- all you can really do is honour your own feelings, negative or not, and let yourself experience them. They won't last forever.

You've just reminded me of a time when I went back to my home country to spend time with a terminally ill friend who was in end of life care in a hospice, and stayed with my parents. I would get home after visiting her, and my mother would ask how she was ('Still dying, Mum!'), and then say 'Ah, well you never know!') I mean, yes, you do know, really, when someone is visibly dying in front of you on an end of life pathway.

In Scotland we say 'what's for you, won't go by you', which is pretty much the same sentiment. I think conversation would be pretty desultory if your loved ones can't find light in your darkness. Do you want them to say oh that's shit, then fall silent?

I genuinely prefer it when someone acknowledges that something is crap/disappointing/dreadful, and doesn't try to dismiss that by immediately looking on the bright side. It says far more about their own discomfort than anything else, and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better.

They’re trying to be helpful so maybe be grateful?

Actually yes I would prefer that! Don’t expect them to fully indulge in my pity party, but some acknowledgment is helpful.

Some cliches are annoying because they are mostly nonsense.

Like "what is for you won't pass you by".

"Things will happen when you least expect them to" is another one of these.

Others like "plenty more fish in the sea" are more sensible and can sometimes help you see things from maybe another perspective.

So the quality of cliche is important.

Thank you for your wise words. 😊 And very awkward response from your mum at such a difficult time!!

Here's another cliche for you: You're responsible for your own feelings. No one is removing your agency by trying to find a silver lining (another cliche).

I say this, becuase that's my experience.
I am a silver linings kind of person.

Oh, she means well, but she's a classic panicker at any negative emotions. 'Negative emotion??? SHUT IT DOWN!'

It wasn't that I was lying around the house crying. I had known my friend was terminally ill for a long time and had come to terms with it, but it was still terribly sad to be saying goodbye to her, and when I got home in the evenings, I didn't want to have to go along with some kind of performance that in fact she might suddenly perk up and be discharged to live a long and healthy life.

True.

But to send another cliche back at ya - no man is an island. How our loved ones respond when we are feeling down can really impact on our ability to bounce back after disappointment

Here's another: stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Ouch