To feel hopeless for the future?

[MysteryNameChange]

My ex DP is making my life miserable. We split up a couple of years ago due to DA. We have 3 fantastic children that we have an informal 50/50 contact arrangement. He started stalking me last year. I had to get the police involved. He got charged with stalking and then found not guilty in Jan. They did put a restraining order in place so he can't contact me except for childcare purposes through a designated third party.

He's doing it again. He's broken the restraining order multiple times. I've reported to the police but nothing has happened that I'm aware of. Most of the time he is messaging under the guise of 'childcare' related stuff but he is constantly criticising, belittling me and raising bullshit safeguarding concerns. The school are aware. I had the support of an IDVA until recently and now I've been discharged back to the local DA service. I've been to my GP. I will continue to report to the police. I've signed myself up for the local talk therapy service. Local DA place is organising extra security measures and a panic alarm for me. He doesn't do anything blatantly threatening.

I'm so low about it. I'm fearful going about my day. He's popped up in places he wouldn't usually and I've seen his vehicle around the kids school after I've picked them up. I'm normally so positive and I feel like I've done everything right, I'm relentlessly reasonable with him, I never react. I feel so hopeless and ashamed that he's still having this effect on me. I wish I was stronger but I feel like I'm running out of strength. What else can I do?

You are doing an amazing job in horrid circumstances. You are doing so much right already.

I wonder if the informal arrangement could be formalised, with supervised handovers, restraining order extended to include contact only through a third party, and an exclusion zone which includes school and other areas too?

Report everything and at the end of each week/fortnight resend your full dossier. If he uses disappearing messages, take screenshots. Dont answer calls - make all contact via text message. Ask the police to ensure all of this is on the record, and to tell you what is a reasonable time that they would follow up in and what further information they need.

Where are the safeguarding points he’s saying being said? If to you (as you well know) document as harassment. Easier said than done but don’t let him get in your head, don’t respond to it, and focus on the excellent care you give your DC. Don't be afraid to mention to authorities - he’s using these baseless claims against you.

You are being incredibly strong. I totally understand how his presence is triggering and distressing, but do you perhaps also need to work on your reaction towards him? Talking therapies will help and it’s great you’ve taken that step and signed up. I really hope you get the tools and support you need. Wishing you only good things.

Yes, you’re reporting all of these incidents to the police but to get them to act you may have to raise a complaint so they do.

Can you block him on all platforms so his messages dont come though? Refuse to have any contact except through the 3rd party. If the 3rd party is no longer possible, then use a parenting app - there are some designed for these situations.
For the physical stalking the police need to step up. Repeatedly breaking a restraining order or a non mol is a crime. Find out who the domestic violence PC is at your constabulary and request a meeting. Make a formal complaint, dont let it go. Far too much of this happening and the police should have learnt their lesson. You are right to be worried sometimes they just flip and get violent. Speak to someone at the police who specialises in DV.

Thanks for the lovely and helpful replies, I really appreciate it. I am mostly okay and I keep trying to hang on to all the nice moments in life but it's more frequently getting on top of me at the moment. I agree some of my stress responses to him aren't normal or useful now, well they are when you look at the big picture but even quite innocuous messages send me into a panic sometimes. It just takes the joy out of life, it's so hard to plan and look forward to the future when you're constantly getting jolted into that fight/flight response. I've been signed off sick again. I don't want to live like this. I keep thinking I've got another 10 years of being tied to this prick.

He can only message through a family member about childcare arrangements but he still manages to be horrible through them. They're not necessarily name calling or threatening, he's not totally stupid, but alluding to concerns etc. I can't spend time with certain people around the children because he will be awful about them. Last year he made really serious allegations about some friends of mine, so I don't want that to happen to anyone else, because it's shit for them.

I will follow up more with the police.