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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How many times do you chase up plan changers?

7 replies

Legoandloldolls · 02/07/2025 09:34

I'm normally three times and your out kind of person but feel my tolerance is getting worse as it becomes more and more normal for people to do this.

Recently not such close friends have cancelled on the day due to genuine sounding reasons ( but very late minute) with them i wish them well with the emergency. Tell them to let me know when they are free again and get back to me. They never do come back with a new date. So thats one chance snd im out. The door is open for them.

With closer friends its a bit more cloudy.

My friend has suggested we help each other doing some thing we both struggle with. We are both disorganised so thought we would work together. It was her idea. She set it up, set the date. On the day there was radio silence so I did think she had forgotten as no time or location set the week before.

I called her late morning and she said she was sure it was next week. Next week rolls around. No mention again.

I have seen her in person since. No mention of the plans. So I dropped her a text last week saying shall set a new date? No reply at all. Read and left. Saw her in person again. No mention ( it's in group when we meet up so it's not 1:1 where I would bring it up). So when I left the group meet up I mentioned it then as we rushed home.

So in my mind it was her plan. She set it up and set a date. I have followed it up twice in passing verbally. Once via text. Part of me wants to give one last try as she is disorganised and text her saying "let me know if you want to do this thing together as I'm planning to do it either way by x anyway to get it out of the way before the kids break up"

A bigger part of me is thinking of the 3 times rule. She is a good friend but we are not super close. I was hoping we could get to be closer but everything points to her being a different page and doing that irritating thing of "let's meet up soon!" Aka code for let's not meet up

However I do see her all the time via our group hobby

OP posts:
SaturdayDream · 02/07/2025 09:38

I’ll never chase anyone, not even once. Been there and done that.

Legoandloldolls · 02/07/2025 11:12

I think I need to revise my plans for chasing down. So everyone who cancels gets the standard "that's a shame. Sorry to hear x I hope it's sorted soon. Let me know if you want to set up a new date". I think some people are booking out time as a plan B in case nothing better comes up but mostly it's just becoming very normal behaviour and people can't be arsed. It's definitely not MH or health as I know my friends. They are all very open and frank. Just shit at plans.

It's not just the fact it wastes the time you block out. It's the wasted head space stewing over it. I have this popping into my thoughts way too much.

I have chased them and told them I'm doing the thing today to get it done as the kids will be off soon. They can pop over if they want the support still but I have to finish it today.

OP posts:
MascaraGirl · 02/07/2025 11:16

I used to have one friend who was very flaky (my other friends are absolutely fine), so I decided to leave the ball in her court with any future arrangements. That was 2 years ago, and I haven't heard from her during that time. So I guess we're not friends any more. Life is too short to chase people who aren't really interested.

I do have relatives who I know I'd never hear from again unless I took the imitative, but that's a bit different

DiscoPig · 02/07/2025 11:19

If someone cancels, why wouldn't you go ahead and do the thing you were planning anyway, unless it's dinner plans or something that absolutely requires more than one person?

With the second friend, you said it yourself -- she's disorganised. This is a symptom of her disorganisation, and probably something she's procrastinating about anyway. You're now associated with the thing she struggles with. Just go ahead and do whatever it is yourself.

Hitcurtain · 02/07/2025 11:22

Honestly I find I let these people go. I can't bear being let down.

I'm happy to be the organiser/initiator for things but quickly learn the ones who will actually turn up and don't bother with the others.

Legoandloldolls · 02/07/2025 13:38

With the second friend, you said it yourself -- she's disorganised. This is a symptom of her disorganisation, and probably something she's procrastinating about anyway. You're now associated with the thing she struggles with. Just go ahead and do whatever it is yourself.

Yes hence giving her the moral support for her to get it done. And her me. But your right I was putting it off waiting for her so in fact your right. It's not only not helping each other, it's more of an excuse to put it off. I have been cracking on today and it's getting done now. So chasing up is pretty moot. Also it's not something I'd look to her for support with in the future. So thanks for the help making me realise that.

It's a bit sad that I'm still surprised that people flake. It's when it's their own idea and their plan. It's like a idea they should keep in their head until it's fully formed.

OP posts:
Legoandloldolls · 02/07/2025 18:53

What would you say if friend brings this suggestion up again?

I want to be clear that I'm not someone to make plans with to the point of setting a date then just pretending we never had the conversation. But I don't want to be rude or risk our friendship. We meet up, do things spontaneously and thats about as much as i have headspace for. I'm seeing her in person in a few days and this has pissed me off today. It's been constantly popping into my head.

Something like "the idea of helping each other was a nice, but we couldn't even manage to make a start could we?"

i could say more but don't see the point.

OP posts:
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