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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Work issue

6 replies

Rosie8880 · 02/07/2025 06:04

Hi.

I lead a high profile project and have been asked to present at a directors meeting. I am relatively new to the company, and one of the main reasons I took the role was to work with my current manager. I respect him hugely. I’ve told him as such - that one of reasons took the job was to work with him a few months ago. Anyway. Late last night he messaged me feedback on next steps for presentation this initial update he said do not side channel him or go direct to directors which threw me a bit. As I haven’t ever. It was late and I know he’s been working late recently, so do wonder if he’s exhausted / stressed, in my reply I said I wouldn’t do that. His response threw me a second loop - he said I’m not precious nor unobservant, and continued on talking about work we need to do. I decided not to respond directly to this comment as was late (10pm), and think on it. I’m racking my brains to think of what I have done that could lead him to that impression - he’s very astute. I used to have the same job albeit in a different company but wanted to work on this project and not be a dept head for a while to get better life/ work balance. I have zero interest in climbing the corporate tree and I respect him immensely - his direction is excellent and I am upset he thinks I’m going over his head - so this has made me reflect on how he is getting this impression. I have very little to do with directors and don’t message or email them directly - when he asks me to gain their feedback they sometimes message me back directly. I presented at a director meeting recently and thanked them for their positive feedback - but all this aside I have no direct Comms with them. I have enough yo get on with as well on project. I’ll talk to my manager about this at some point but our priority now is delivering a good presentation, but it’s playing on my mind. I’d like thoughts on how to read this and advice on how to approach with manager sensitively.

OP posts:
Agix · 02/07/2025 06:14

He's probably assuming, because that's what he would do because it's a good idea to do at this time for your own career prospects.

Be very careful. That guy would crush you like an ant in a single second if it meant getting ahead. You're over doing the "respect" for him. It'll hold you back.

Rosie8880 · 02/07/2025 06:26

Agix · 02/07/2025 06:14

He's probably assuming, because that's what he would do because it's a good idea to do at this time for your own career prospects.

Be very careful. That guy would crush you like an ant in a single second if it meant getting ahead. You're over doing the "respect" for him. It'll hold you back.

Thanks - he seems to be a very upright person aka trustworthy, he’s held my back and our project and is a straight talker - my previous manger was riddled with paranoia & I used to have to give him a lot of emotional support, which did me well - I got a lot of promotions / pay rises but still didn’t trust him, like I do this new manger. But I work in a corporate environment and it’s work - you can’t fully trust anyone.so what is your advice in how to manage this?

OP posts:
CrowMate · 02/07/2025 06:30

I would be very factual with him. These emails have made me feel very uncomfortable and confused. I’m afraid I do not understand what you are referring to. My interactions have been X. I would appreciate it if you could clarify for me exactly what has happened for you to send me this statement. As I have previously told you, I have a great deal of respect for you and wish to ensure our working relationship remains effective and positive.

BedChem · 02/07/2025 07:43

CrowMate · 02/07/2025 06:30

I would be very factual with him. These emails have made me feel very uncomfortable and confused. I’m afraid I do not understand what you are referring to. My interactions have been X. I would appreciate it if you could clarify for me exactly what has happened for you to send me this statement. As I have previously told you, I have a great deal of respect for you and wish to ensure our working relationship remains effective and positive.

Edited

I agree with this, but do it over email so you have a paper trail OP.

he seems a bit put out and intimidated by your abilities. That's on him and not you at all. However I do agree with PP you're overdoing the respect thing. I'm assuming you don't know him on a personal level and only professional level. Don't fall over yourself telling him how much you respect him again, or strokes his ego. The second you deviate that and look as a competitor he sees you as competition and will probably think 'oh she doesn't respect me'

he sounds tiresome and egotistical.

Rosie8880 · 04/07/2025 18:07

Thanks all - had a chat to him today. He apologized and said my interpretation wasn’t at all what he meant, that he had worded it badly. We have a bit of scrutiny on the project - it’s tied into that. He’s a good bloke tbh but know he handles his emotions strangely sometimes - my observation but also been in his shoes and know things can be very very stressful and sometimes feel like you have to watch your back all. The. Time. Let’s see what happens but thanks all for advice X

OP posts:
CrowMate · 04/07/2025 21:18

I’m glad you spoke and feel better. Hopefully he’ll now regulate himself a little better too.

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