To think that DH is outrageously selfish or is it actually me?

[Cantgomuchlower]

DH has been offered a job that is slightly better paid, in a new location and will considerably raise our standard of living as a family.

However he is telling me that if he remains in the job he is in at the moment it will eventually come good (in about three years) and the financial rewards will be huge - he has already been promising this for over a year. As a family though this means that we will have to remain living in a rough inner city area, in a tiny flat while our kids go to a crappy school. All of this would change if he takes the above job but the financial possibilities are limited.

I don t believe or trust him tbh. We have had a lot of problems over the years. I am really unhappy where we are living. I cry nearly every day. His promises of huge financial rewards seem unrealistic to me. Similar to "Don t worry about anything because I am going to win the lottery in a year".

He tells me I am limited and don t want greatness in life, something that could be achieved if he stays where he is. Any advice or thoughts would be helpful please. Have also posted this in relationships.

Just a short post s dashing out the door but didn't want this to go unanswered- don't think answering this specific issue re: who is being selfish or not is going to help tbh- sounds like there is a lot more going on that is tangled up and maybe you and dh have a lot more to talk about than this one issue. A joint decision that is based on the whole family's needs must be made and if you are really terribly unhappy where you are and don't believe that your children are thriving this has to be a big factor. Earning potential isn't everthing. But at the same time of course your dh's hopes and dreams need to be part of the decision too.

Hope you manage to get some decent discussions on this with your DH. Sorry such a seemingly brusque post in a dash! Good luck x

Tricky-would or could the credit crunch or any recession have some impact on the promise of future rewards in his current job?

Am myself always wary of these kind of promises/hopes-I know of someone who has worked for a company over the last 15 or so years on the hope of great financial rewards that have yet to materialise-the money will always be coming in the next 2 years...Anything could happen to his current job in the next 3 years-they could go bust, slimline their workforce etc.

You also have your childrens futures to consider-are they happy? Are they doing well at their current schools or would they have more options etc in the new area etc?

Am sure you have thought about all of this so am probably not much help but don't let him grind you down if you are not happy!!

Hmmm. Three years is a long time to wait if your kids are in a poor school.

Do you think the company's he's currently working for are just danging this financial reward as a carrot, with no intention of coming through with it?

On balance, I'd go for the move. You'll have a better life immediately, slightly more money.
Perhaps a chance for you to work too? Also it doesn't have to be dh's final job, does it? He could still look for a better paid job in the new area, in the longer term.

It's very hard to judge your DH's decision based on your OP, with no understanding of the likelihood of his current job "coming good".

But if your current circumstances are as difficult as you describe, you probably are right to wish to better them now rather than hold on in hope of something better in the future.

tbh this has really got me thinking, yes you are quite right to want better for your family, however it is up to dh what job he has. He is the one who is working and therefore although family needs a a very big factor it is at the end of the day his choice.
My dh is not particularly well paid but is ery happy in his job, to me that is much more important, would you want him to be unhappy all the time he is at work, and it is a long time.

How old are your dc's? If they are in their teens, they need taking out of a crappy school straight away. If they are smaller they need taking out asap, but with a bit less urgency than if they were teens.

It sounds like "all jam tomorrow" to me. Your priority ids happy dc, which equals happy parents. I am a teacher, in a good secondary school. Even what I see there is scary sometimes, I would do everything and anything I could not to send my dc's to a bad school.

He sounds a bit reckless and unrealistic IMO. How can you be limited if you want what is the best for your kids? Do you want greatness in life? (whatever that may mean)What is greatness and how important is it anyway?

i think that maybe the pressure of leaving his secure job could be worrying and pressure of supplying you with the perfect life is worrying him

maybe support and not blame would be in need here as after all it will be him having to change job be financially rlied on to provide this new life and may need reassurance and understanding rather than being called selfish

he probably wants the same things but has job security knows his working team and is comfortable

could you maybe get a part time job if not working to help towards this new life to take some pressures off him

if not be understanding to him tell him nicely your worries and concerns for the children and where your living but offer him support for the change but most of tell him to do what will make him happy also as he will be the one having to face it every day more money or not if he will be unhappy then it will not work out anyway

Can you both - seperately - make your lists of the pros and cons under 3 headingss, affecting him, you and the kids

Give each pro or con a weighting as to how important it is

This might really help to see where the priorities lie, why, and if they have common ground

Thanks for all your replies.

I will be going back to work in a year when my youngest goes to nursery. We both want me to be home full time with her until then.

I have been extremely supportive over the past 7 years, I have listened and agreed with all his big plans and they have never come to anything. He has been moaning for 7 years about how crap our situation is and finally a door opens and there is a way out but now he doesn't want to take it.

The job is abroad in a a beautiful place doing exactly what he is doing now (he loves his job), there is little chance that he would be unhappy doing it. It is all about the financial rewards that he claims will arrive from his present job. I don t see anyone else there getting these rewards, so I am somewhat sceptical.

My children could have so much better and if he took this job it would happen immediately. Or we will have to wait three years for the (alleged) rewards that will come from his present job that quite frankly I just dont believe in.

I feel like I was hanging on hoping for better and now the door has just been slammed in my face. I honestly don t feel that we could stay together if he turns this down.

maybe what you need to do is get a baby sitter both go out for nice meal and have a lovely chat about where you should both go from here as time is moving on and you can fill in the rest

i do understand your frustration but i would imagine it would still be worrying

so have some quality time and really talk things through with one another away from home enjoying yourselves will amke it feel less pressured and relaxed

dittany I am dying to tell you but it is so farkin ridiculous that you would all laugh at me for having listened to it and supported it for 7 years and also anyone I might know in RL would recognise me immediately.

"the job is abroad, in a beautiful place"

is this a place that you know well? or are your expectations of a 'better life' in this new place based on hopes and dreams?

if they are, how is your hope for this new job any different to his hope for his present job?

I think tbh the big issue here is personal goals - do you want a simpler life, somewhere lovely, and does he want money as his ultimate goal?

money isn't 'greatness'. I know some very very high achieving people and I do not think they are 'great'. Letting your family suffer for your dreams is not 'greatness' either

personally I don't know if I could stay with a man who spouted this kind of materialistic tosh

but I wonder if you are dreaming a dream of a wonderful new start somewhere which also isn't realistic. A grass is greener type of thing?

We have visited this place many times Cappucino and know it well hence the reason for wanting to make the move. It is as simple as the fact that we would have a house and garden there rather than a small flat, which is all we can afford where we live now and be living the sort of life we have always said we wanted. I am a forces kid so I moved around a lot when I was young and into my early twenties so I have much experience of relocating and the benefits and pitfalls.

I do wish we could know what his greatness will be