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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too long for a 7 year old?

31 replies

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 12:30

NCed for this, as don't want it linked to other posts. Changed a couple of details, as people I know are on MN.
So, this Summer's plan has been for my DC aged 7 and 8 to spend some time with their father (my ex) in his European country with his side of the family.
Really pleased for my DC to have this opportunity, as they haven't seen their European family for knocking on 3 years.
My parents are dead and I don't see my sibling, so it's great he has such a large, close-knit family.
Originally agreed on 10-12 days. Felt this was long enough, as they see him one weekend a month, when he travels to our area of England to see them.
For context, both have mild to moderate SEN.
He texted me this morning to say he is booking tickets this week and gave me new dates, which mean he 'intends' to take them for 3 weeks.
I haven't replied yet.
I think it's too long.
They've never been with him that long (maximum was 10 days 3 years ago, during which time I had major surgery, so it was a blessing they were away).
On the plus side, I trust his female relatives and know they would love and look after DC (my ex doesn't really parent: he's just fun/permissive/not really the best role model) and I'm sure it will mainly be amazing for DC.
However, with SEN in the mix - and them being around family who really don't know them - AIBU to think 3 weeks is too long.
(And, yes, selfishly, I'll miss them and don't want them away for half the holidays).

AIBU - 3 weeks is fine
AINBU - Stick to around 2 weeks

OP posts:
alexalisten · 01/07/2025 12:41

What about meeting in the middle and do about 17 days

RawBloomers · 01/07/2025 12:41

It depends on the SEN and how well they have done with stays longer than a weekend recently.

3 weeks is a long time at that age, and there’s a chance even without the SEN that they’d be homesick. But there’s also a very good chance they’ll have an amazing time and bond well with their family. 3 weeks give much more time for really powerful connections to be made.

But the SEN might make it much less likely to be a success, especially if their DF isn’t good at accommodating it. I get that you will miss them, but you will have them for far more time overall so I think you ought to put that to one side and try and find something to occupy yourself while they’re gone. They will be back with exciting things to tell you about and you can do all the normal things they love with them, all the traditions you have built together, etc.

BallerinaRadio · 01/07/2025 12:43

Could you not just book the three weeks on the proviso that is things don't go to plan they can come home early?

It would seem a shame to cut it short if they're having a great time and the only reason they're not staying longer is because you put an arbitrary time limit on it. And then if they're not having a great time they come home after two weeks.

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/07/2025 13:05

I think it's fine and they will have a blast

AlleeBee · 01/07/2025 13:07

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 12:30

NCed for this, as don't want it linked to other posts. Changed a couple of details, as people I know are on MN.
So, this Summer's plan has been for my DC aged 7 and 8 to spend some time with their father (my ex) in his European country with his side of the family.
Really pleased for my DC to have this opportunity, as they haven't seen their European family for knocking on 3 years.
My parents are dead and I don't see my sibling, so it's great he has such a large, close-knit family.
Originally agreed on 10-12 days. Felt this was long enough, as they see him one weekend a month, when he travels to our area of England to see them.
For context, both have mild to moderate SEN.
He texted me this morning to say he is booking tickets this week and gave me new dates, which mean he 'intends' to take them for 3 weeks.
I haven't replied yet.
I think it's too long.
They've never been with him that long (maximum was 10 days 3 years ago, during which time I had major surgery, so it was a blessing they were away).
On the plus side, I trust his female relatives and know they would love and look after DC (my ex doesn't really parent: he's just fun/permissive/not really the best role model) and I'm sure it will mainly be amazing for DC.
However, with SEN in the mix - and them being around family who really don't know them - AIBU to think 3 weeks is too long.
(And, yes, selfishly, I'll miss them and don't want them away for half the holidays).

AIBU - 3 weeks is fine
AINBU - Stick to around 2 weeks

Are you still in contact with the femal relatives you've mentioned?

Are they aware of the children's SEN? I think having a conversation with them about the children's needs and how to deal with any particular struggles you anticipate them having would really help everyone.

The hardest thing with dealing with distant family (as a child) is that you're suddenly surrounded by a lot of people who think they know you, but you don't know them and they don't really know you - that can be very overwhelming.

Would it help if they sent the children some recent photos of themselves and of where they'll be staying? I think that would help them settle and make the trip more successful :)

Notaripoff · 01/07/2025 13:10

BallerinaRadio · 01/07/2025 12:43

Could you not just book the three weeks on the proviso that is things don't go to plan they can come home early?

It would seem a shame to cut it short if they're having a great time and the only reason they're not staying longer is because you put an arbitrary time limit on it. And then if they're not having a great time they come home after two weeks.

This is a good idea. As it's Europe I presume flights are fairly easy to arrange at short notice (although obviously expensive in the summer holidays).

alcoholnightmare · 01/07/2025 13:13

Why don’t you reply and discuss it with him? “Oh, I thought you were wanting 12 days? I’m happy to compromise obviously, but I wonder if 3 weeks would be too long for them just now? Could we do 10-12 this year, and 3 weeks next year all being well”?

ForFunGoose · 01/07/2025 13:13

I would let them go with the understanding if they wanted to come home early ex-h would book them flights home sooner.

Itcantbetrue · 01/07/2025 13:27

2 maximum

Usually dc want their mum I loved my dad he was totally proficient as well and a brilliant cook but I missed her when she went away

Original poster
SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 13:36

Both DC have Autism and ADHD. Mild to moderate support needs at home. Moderate support socially and in school. One had SpLD.
Ex isn't great about discussing things. Refused mediation etc in the past.
There's absolutely no way he'd pay for them to come home early. His Mummy and older sister are paying for all flights and accommodation (I'm sending them with spending money and sending his younger sister money to contribute towards food).
They absolutely love their Dad, so I'm sure they'll have a great time.
They will miss me loads, as we are a close unit, generally just being the 3 of us, and usually come home after short stays with him (a few times a year, he might have them for 3 or 4 days at his flat near London) totally dysregulated and behaving deplorably, BUT I guess the main thing is that they DO see him and have a relationship with him.
His family don't speak English, but I can use Google Translate and get in touch with the one sibling who was always the most welcoming.
I'm still torn, but hearing others' perspectives is helpful.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 01/07/2025 13:38

My children are 10 and 7 and I wouldn’t be happy with them spending 3 weeks away from me in another country. Likewise, I wouldn’t expect their dad to go 3 weeks without seeing them either so I wouldn’t take them away for that long. 2 weeks maximum is more than reasonable.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/07/2025 13:39

I think three weeks is fine. I used to go overseas regularly to see grandparents for 3-4 weeks at a time without my dad. Of course I missed him, but it was fine.

ThunderSnacks · 01/07/2025 13:39

Is it a nice area? Any chance you could go out for the last week and have a bit of a holiday/ease the transition back?

titchy · 01/07/2025 13:42

Do they speak their family’s language? If not will their father be around them 24/7 to translate?

I agree 3 weeks does sound too much given even one weekend disregulates them.

titchy · 01/07/2025 13:42

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/07/2025 13:39

I think three weeks is fine. I used to go overseas regularly to see grandparents for 3-4 weeks at a time without my dad. Of course I missed him, but it was fine.

Do you have ASD?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/07/2025 13:44

titchy · 01/07/2025 13:42

Do you have ASD?

Show quote history

Yes, actually.

FortySheep · 01/07/2025 13:48

3 weeks seems quite long if they only see him one weekend a month normally. Have they been away with him for longer periods before?

Also why are you the one sending money for food contributions rather than their dad?

Original poster
SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:03

FortySheep · 01/07/2025 13:48

3 weeks seems quite long if they only see him one weekend a month normally. Have they been away with him for longer periods before?

Also why are you the one sending money for food contributions rather than their dad?

The longest was, I think, 12 days, 3 years ago. It was only that long as I had an op.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:05

FortySheep · 01/07/2025 13:48

3 weeks seems quite long if they only see him one weekend a month normally. Have they been away with him for longer periods before?

Also why are you the one sending money for food contributions rather than their dad?

And, sending money/contributing because their Dad is such a freeloader.
I know they're not my family, but I just thing it's the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 14:06

But that’s their dad and he lives in another country! I would be careful not to place too many limits on their time with him to ensure he has equal opportunity to foster a good relationship with him.

It’s tough and you’ll miss them but I think you should try and make sure that they get a good amount of time with their dad in the summer when you get the long holidays. If you miss them when they’re away for three weeks, imagine how he feels being away from them most of the time.

Original poster
SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:21

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 14:06

But that’s their dad and he lives in another country! I would be careful not to place too many limits on their time with him to ensure he has equal opportunity to foster a good relationship with him.

It’s tough and you’ll miss them but I think you should try and make sure that they get a good amount of time with their dad in the summer when you get the long holidays. If you miss them when they’re away for three weeks, imagine how he feels being away from them most of the time.

I have never placed limits on how long he spends with them; it's been me over the years reaching out, maintaining links and ensuring he keeps in touch with them.
Was trying to avoid a drip feed/too much info, but he chose to move near London and his base is there, although he visits his home country regularly. He has been England since the late 90s.
I'm sure he does miss them, but he chose to move 4 hours away.
That they have a good relationship is on my efforts, not his.
🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:36

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 14:06

But that’s their dad and he lives in another country! I would be careful not to place too many limits on their time with him to ensure he has equal opportunity to foster a good relationship with him.

It’s tough and you’ll miss them but I think you should try and make sure that they get a good amount of time with their dad in the summer when you get the long holidays. If you miss them when they’re away for three weeks, imagine how he feels being away from them most of the time.

Sorry, I've just realised I didn't actually mention him living near London in my first post, so sorry for the confusion!

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 15:50

SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 14:21

I have never placed limits on how long he spends with them; it's been me over the years reaching out, maintaining links and ensuring he keeps in touch with them.
Was trying to avoid a drip feed/too much info, but he chose to move near London and his base is there, although he visits his home country regularly. He has been England since the late 90s.
I'm sure he does miss them, but he chose to move 4 hours away.
That they have a good relationship is on my efforts, not his.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

I understand your frustration that he moved and now sharing custody has become more complicated and requires more effort (and mostly yours by the sound of things).

But, ultimately, you have to just put aside your feelings and ask yourself what is best for the children and, absent any specific example of why they can’t go for 3 weeks but could go for 2 weeks, it’s probably better that they go and spend quality time with their dad and his extended family to make sure they keep those connections maintained.

Obviously it sucks (I am without my children for a week this summer - 5 and 1 - and I find the thought totally heart wrenching for only one week and I know they’ll miss me and ask for me and maybe get a bit homesick) but I think ultimately they’ll never get used to how things will go in future with a dad living far away so unable to just pop in unless you try.

Worst happens you could always fly out to see them halfway through

SpanThatWorld · 01/07/2025 15:57

As a child i used to spend the whole 6 week summer holiday with my extended family. My dad would pick me up from school, take me to his mum's and leave me there until the day before school started again.

I absolutely loved it and it made me very close to family who lived elsewhere.

Original poster
SummerHolsNearlyHere · 01/07/2025 16:31

Lmnop22 · 01/07/2025 15:50

I understand your frustration that he moved and now sharing custody has become more complicated and requires more effort (and mostly yours by the sound of things).

But, ultimately, you have to just put aside your feelings and ask yourself what is best for the children and, absent any specific example of why they can’t go for 3 weeks but could go for 2 weeks, it’s probably better that they go and spend quality time with their dad and his extended family to make sure they keep those connections maintained.

Obviously it sucks (I am without my children for a week this summer - 5 and 1 - and I find the thought totally heart wrenching for only one week and I know they’ll miss me and ask for me and maybe get a bit homesick) but I think ultimately they’ll never get used to how things will go in future with a dad living far away so unable to just pop in unless you try.

Worst happens you could always fly out to see them halfway through

Show quote history

I agree re: the need to put my own feelings aside, which is what I tend to do.
Good to bounce ideas around on MN, as ran it by a couple of friends and they both said 2 weeks with him is too long, but I suspect that's because none of my friends who actually know him think much of him!

OP posts: