Friends

[Alan198]

Just looking for your views and opinions
My wife gets down because she has no friends. We're both in our 50s she's mild, meek and all round kind, she works part time and is well respected at work but has no real friends. I don't mind her having friends but I don't understand the big deal. I have no real friends myself and it doesn't bother me in the slightest because I find friendships hard work and draining and prefer my own company. Would you see not having friends as a real issue at her age

Yes it is an issue.
Women need friends more than men do.
Hobby groups?

What a strange thread.

Another adult needs something different to you and you don't understand that?

I don't really think it matters whether you do or don't, it's not going to change the fact your wife wants friends.

I don’t believe women need friends more than men. Surely it’s down to the individual, some people are happy with little or no friends and some like to have a large friendship group.

Some people are happy without friends...most people want at least some friends in their life. Your wife isn't wrong in how she feels because it's not about being right or wrong. You should encourage her to spread her wings and find the confidence to socialise...perhaps she could look at volunteering, book clubs, women's groups, sports teams... whatever it is that she's interested in.

Why do they? Some people need friends, some don't.

Your wife is sad, comfort her Alan. Encourage her to join some hobby groups & find some friends.

Men leave, or die earlier.
Children leave.

Fine if people disagree. OPs wife wants some though.

I need friends, I can understand you dont but think your wife wanting to have friends is normal.

Could you encourage her to join a hobby? Or is there a group you could join together?

🙋 It's been well-reported that many men don't have many/any friends, and that this is reflected in mental health issues and so on.
It's also well-reported that in general women tend to have wider/stronger friendship groups.
But clearly this particular case/post is personal - the woman in the OP struggles and the OP doesn't understand why
So OP, even though it's not an issue for you, recognise that it is for her. Don't question the fact that she finds it difficult, just support her in trying to change things 🙂 Hope things work out OK.

@Alan198 I think it depends on the individual.

I’m just done with people, I find them draining. I’m happy not having any “real” friends, where as my husband and sister would like more friends, they enjoy the social side xx

It's great that you 'don't mind' your wife having friends. I can tell you're a progressive guy, Alan.

If she wants friends and not having them makes her sad, then yes, having friends is important. It doesn't really matter whether you want friends or not. Two people can want/need different things.

I'm not sure if I could have got through the last six months without the support of some wonderful friends. My DH is fabulous but he can't meet all of my social and emotional needs. No single person ever could.

It's fine if you don't feel the need to have friends for yourself, but your wife is telling you that this is important to her. Can you help her to formulate a plan for how she might meet some new people?

It doesn’t matter if if/we see it as a problem or not. Your wife does see it as a problem and it gets her down. The question is do you want to help her fix it (the correct answer is yes, Alan ;) )

If she’s ‘meek’ (shy?) could you maybe sign up to some hobbies together and help her make some introductions to build her confidence?

Has she tried book groups, Coffee mornings or volunteering might align to her temperament and meet like-minded people.

Did she just lose track of friends over time - could she reconnect with them?

The fact is, your wife wants friends. It doesn’t matter that you don’t or don’t understand. This is something she wants.

Exactly. She’s allowed to feel differently about something, OP. Do you struggle with theory of mind?

I’m also smelling a distinct rat at you (1) ‘not minding’ your wife having friends and (2) not having any yourself. It’s likely to a key contributing factor in why your ‘meek’ wife finds herself unhappily isolated.

I've had spells with lots of friends and spells with none. E.g. when I was working and had young children I didn't have the time or energy to maintain friendships and was perfectly happy in family life without them.

Then when work slowed down in middle-age, DC were grown up and I was single, they became very important.

I'm also a shy, quiet type and I've made friends in middle age by going to hobby groups and really getting involved. Not just turning up but by becoming an organiser, going on committees, volunteering events etc. Throwing myself into it and making myself useful. Having a role reduces the need for small talk, which I'm very bad at.

It's not about you Alan , try and understand how your wife feels, if she's sad , then she's sad .

The correct answer would have been, I'd like my wife to have friends so that she can be happy.