To think it can be hard to stay positive in middle age

[Bowandarrows]

So much to cope with. DM died earlier this year. Struggling to find a job for months now. Health issues of my own aplenty. Anyone relate?

Oh I relate. Having to focus on the small joys.

Studies have proved it - the ‘U shaped curve’ of happiness is a thing (with the lowest levels of happiness reported in the late 40s).
I’m in my mid 40s and though I have lots to be happy about (mostly my teenage children, who are wonderful), I’m totally knackered and burnt out and honestly just desperate for a rest.

If your teenage children are wonderful you are batting a thousand @Porcuine20😊

Oh I pressed the wrong button. Yanbu so sorry to hear about your mum.

It’s much harder to stay positive and hopeful. Routines and as pp, take pleasure in the small things.

one of my routines is to stick to some sort of exercise regime, even if it’s briskly walking around the local area. (I do have to do it a few times a day due to dog anyway but it’s shown me how much it helps.)

I too am sorry to hear about your mum's passing. That would make anyone feel overwhelmed. I will likely go to pieces when my mum goes.

I’m so sorry about your mum @Bowandarrows

I totally empathise. I feel like my life is slowly unravelling. I’m 51 and I am exhausted from just existing and dealing with the fallout of family illness and losing my job. Hard times.

I agree OP. I’m struggling with everything you mentioned. I really miss my mum. This hot weather is making me insane. I usually love it but i cant seem to sleep anymore. Can’t take HRT and im going bananas.

Sorry to hear you're feeling low, OP.
Every age has unique challenges, I submit.
Middle age is far easier for me than youth, and fair enough, that's just me.
I'm determined not to be negative into my old age about old age, the way my dad has become.

Menopause...... It's a pain in the backside. We must count our blessings. My content children keep me content.

Yes, it's very difficult to be in a period when life seems to be taking away more than it gives. Its easy to fall into a mind set that the best is behind you and everything is going to get worse. However, you do need to remember that in your 50s you have probably another 30 years ahead, which is nearly half your adult life left to live, and its a long time to spend winding down to your last day. My advice would be to find the new you, discover who are you now your life has shifted, some people will have sadly left it, your responsibility will be changing at home and work, and your mental and physical health probably needs a review. Think about the sort of person you want to be and the life you want to live and have a plan to get there. A good place to start is with your person, your diet, health and fitness, good sleep and calming activities, because feeling well in yourself is the foundation to build thd hobbies, interests and activities that will keep you motivated and renew your positivity and enthusiasm for life.

agree with @5128gap

I've quite a few things I want to sort out and achieve and "get back to good" with, but starting with body and nutrition is the best place to start. It will make all the other things much easier if I feel healthy in my own body. I stopped looking after myself when my dad died in 2022 and I've a lot to unpack and reverse now.

OP, could you reframe this as a new chapter and a big project. Map out the next two years and go for it and project manage the sh*t out of it.

probably feels like a totally new book without your mum I imagine, and one from the horror section not a nice bookshelf. I often wonder how something so natural could be so horrid.

I will also say that if you lost your mum just earlier this year, then it is still very early days, everything you want out of life after this will be waiting for you when you are ready xx

I hear you. It sometimes feel like all the joy and excitement of life is done, and what’s left is just a slow decline towards death.

I’ve had to reshape my mind to find joy in the small things - my dog, my garden, good food - and to regularly remind myself of how lucky I am. That my kids are healthy is a big one for me - I know three families whose lives have been turned completely upside down in recent years by one of their children getting life-altering serious illnesses. I know they’d give just about anything to have them fit and well again.

Thank you for all your kind and empathetic replies.

Finding it hard not to feel completely deflated by having no job and being at the mercy of potential employers as to when or if I ever get another one. DP is getting a wee bit nervy about the state of our finances with me being unemployed, so that adds to the stress of it.

I know I just have to persevere, but it feels like such a slog now with everything else on my plate as well.

How awful for your friends. I am so sorry they are having to deal with that.

Sorry for your loss, @Bowandarrows — I agree with @5128gap, though. Even if changing your mindset feels like another uphill trudge.💐

I think it’s being the “sandwich generation” and having both kids and parents to worry about.
For a few years I had older kids going through university/housing/finding job related stresses, on top of sick parents, and it was a slog at times.
Technically the kids were adults and tbf they are pretty resilient and independent but it didn’t stop me constantly worrying about them.
I’ve improved my own mental health by deliberately trying to distance myself from anyone else’s problems - yes I’ll always help if I can, but I’ve realised i can’t solve everything for everyone so there’s no point me losing sleep over it.
I try and take life a week at a time and arrange things that I know will bring me some enjoyment (seeing my friends for long walks is a favourite)

My worry is having a DD with a chronic illness that fluctuates. Sometimes she's absolutely fine, sometimes very ill, like now.

Have lots of hobbies and interests and time to do them, but this is always at the back of my mind.
A lot of my friends have moved away too.

I’m 57, parents still happy and healthy and kids with one foot out the door. My future, when I think about it seems to be all loss (kids leaving, parents dying and our health and fitness deteriorating).

I've always been a 'look on the bright side' person, able to disassociate myself from the darker side of human behaviour and the state of the world day to day. These last few years though I'm finding it hard to not be affected by each bad news story to the extent of feeling the weight of it during the day.

Seeing danger everywhere as well! My youngest DC is seeing a different me from my older ones who i had in my 20s. I was a much more carefree 'grab the world by the balls' sort of person back then. Now i'm more of a 'look first and have a think' sort of person.

In fact I'm turning into Nemo's Dad !!! 🐠 😳

Yes can definitely relate to this. Kids all adults now but still a big worry. Job insecurity, my fixed term role ends next year and whilst I am counting down to leave I am worried about finding something else. Elderly dad getting frailer, husband's health not great. there doesn't seem much to look forward to except retirement which is some years off !

I am sorry to hear your struggles. Maybe they are not specifically age related, rather due to grief, job loss, etc. This promises that time might help you to be in a better place soon, I hope.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please cut yourself some slack, grieving a parent is a process and you are bound to feel upset and overwhelemed.

I haven't lost a parent and my parents are in good health at the moment but I am totally overwhelmed so I can empathize fully. Four teenage children, even though eldest is 20 now still feels a massive transitional phase. Can't move on to a new phase as still have to do school runs and school related stuff with two of them for a few more yrars whilst dealing with uni kids as well. Job is at risk and market looking horrible so got a toxic work environment but not a rosy future ahead. Can't afford to retire for another 5 uears minimum, probably 10 realistically.

Perimenopause is causing havoc to my body and struggling with lots of symptoms. So life does feel harder.

For me I look forward to all the kids having left home so I can properly transition to a life where I can focus a bit more on my health, don't have to do constant lifts etc but then you also have to enjoy your day to day, so I am trying to build in small things for myself that I enjoy doing like meeting friends for lunch or dinner, cinema etc and I have even squeezed a couple of weekends away this year.

Am sorry for your loss.me, late last lucky baby,at 41, followed by unexpected early menopause.dm died because of cock up by GP, in the GP unit in the hospital where I worked, nursing, I was bank now called temporary workforce,no contract, told them to stick their job. It was easy to get another nursing job, then df terminally I'll,he's re married by now, his wife went back to their home village to look after her m who was in her 90s, I did a 12 shift,busy. A cute ward and drove an 80 mile round trip to look after my dad, weekly,he wanted me twice, I said I couldn't do it,a young child, plus 2 boys at school, oldest had left home
Looking back I don't know how I did it, working 3/5 nights a week, maximum 3 hours sleep. But I had no health issues and weirdly never got sick.oh, I also looked after my DGS as well.

There's a reason why middle aged women are so angry - lots of rubbish stuff comes your way.
Losing a loved parent is a hard one. I was pretty devastated for months, years. But little by little, I have got happier again..
Had some health niggles but good now (apart from the knees)
Hang in there OP. I am blessed with a fab DD and a decent DH. Life is pretty good.

I know what you mean: bad things can happen in middle age (and I'm sorry for the loss of your mum) and it is a hard slog...But to go against the grain there's a lot to cheer about being an older person too.

I feel much more comfortable in myself than I did in my 20s. I know what my beliefs and values are and I'm not swayed by the social setting I'm in. I know what my personal red lines are for behaviour from others and I don't put up with other people's shit just to keep the peace. I know what I like to do with my free time (and what I don't). I have more money than I did when I was younger and I know what I want to spend it on. I'm not particularly interested in fashion or keeping up appearances and fads.