To think some parents use “sensory issues” as a shield for not teaching boundaries or discipline?

[ThatCleverExpert]

Of course, some kids genuinely do have sensory processing issues. That’s real. But I’ve seen a trend where any difficult or antisocial behaviour gets labelled as “sensory” and suddenly all expectations for teaching respect or regulation go out the window.

Screaming in public places, grabbing things from other people, being aggressive and when someone raises it, the answer is “they have sensory needs” or “don’t judge.”

AIBU to think some of this is more about parental avoidance than actual diagnosis?

My reply to them would be and??? It might explain the behaviour but doesn’t always make it ok!

not everyone has to make accommodations for your children!

The sort of things you mention would not be caused by someone just having sensory issues.

People make up all kind of excuses/conditions (self-diagnosis) for their badly behaved children.

My son can scream in public ( not often now he is older) because he finds some noises distressing. He may keep trying to touch something because he can be fixated on certain objects due to there texture or shape. Aggressive ( or more accurately for him, unsafe behaviour) is because he has become very distressed and cannot self regulate. It is directed towards people he trusts because he wants them to help him.

I know you said you know some people have sensory processing difficulties but I don't think you know much about it.

Well some people do all sorts.

Do I think some, not nice people talk shit sometimes. Yes.

Can I judge when someone is in front of me, not always. The child may or may not have issues and their parents may or may not be able to support effectively.

My son has sensory regulation issues and a significant amount of his special school time has been with occupational therapy teaching him to understand and manage those issues and it takes up a significant amount of my parenting time. But I dint really think they have much impact on others, unless you can't look at ear defenders without getting cross.

How would you know if they have a sensory issue or not though? You absolutely shouldn't judge because you can't decide if a child has sensory issues or not.
As mentioned some children will scream because they can't cope/ it calms them. My DS touches everything all the time especially if it has a rough texture because of his sensory issues. Being aggressive isn't usually related to sensory issues but it could happen due to sensory overload.
Of course some children are just badly behaved with parents who can't be bothered to put boundaries in place but how would you know which is which?

When I was younger the only kids who went around screaming all the time were very young.

Did parents in the past simply keep their overloaded kids inside, or was life simpler/less overwhelming, or is parenting now less capable of teaching kids to cope with the stimulation presented by daily life?

I hear you and I’m definitely not saying all behaviour is fake or that people should judge without context. What I’m trying to get at is a broader trend - where any pushback on behaviour is shut down with ‘sensory needs’ without space for nuance. I fully believe in supporting kids with genuine needs, I’m just wary of the term being overused in a way that makes every conversation feel off-limits.

Mix. Children with disabilities were hidden away. I think life was simpler

But also I don't actually come across older children screaming all the time?

I even work in a infant school

I’ve wondered the same. I do think life feels more overstimulating now, especially with constant noise, screens, and fast-paced routines. But I also wonder if we’ve shifted so far towards individual explanations (like diagnoses) that we’ve lost the middle ground where some behaviours are just part of life and need gentle boundaries, not always a label. It’s a complex mix.

Sensory difficulties can very easily lead to deregulation which can lead to behaviour that can look like bad behaviour but isn’t. Schools are notorious for actively not supporting sensory needs, then complaining when ND children react adversely to it. Manage the sensory input, help the child to remain regulated. Wish more people would understand this.

Similar I suppose to someone with a cat allergy being exposed to a cat then people being pissed off because they’ve had an asthma attack.

There are more diagnoses because it can be very difficult to get support without it.

Modern life is difficult and overloading. School environments are mega overloading, but if you suggest calmer rooms and meeting the sensory needs of those likely to become disregulated, therefore creating a better environment for everyone, people react like you’re telling them that NT children deserve to have every joy in their lives removed. It’s weird. Preventing the wholesale deregulation that’s so commonly seen now in schools could literally improve school life for everyone, but nope, can’t do that 🙄

By some do you mean one person you want to have a dig at? Because no I've never heard or experienced parents saying the behaviours you describe are due to sensory issues.

I've never come across this and, as an AuDHD parent to AuDHD children I have a pretty network of friends whose children's sensory issues are very much part of their Neurodivergent profile.

You might have not meant it like that, but a post like this only makes parents with issues feel even shittier. As if we are not aware of how our children with needs disrupt others, we have to read people discussing how some of us are in reality crap parents. This only contributes to people judging us. Hopefully next time my dd has a moment, she will include her regular punching herself to her repertoire, so people get we have real problems right away

I haven’t either and I am the same. Audhd children with a big network and I work with children that have sensory difficulties. Never come across it.

As a parent of an autistic ds, I’m on the fence.

When we got an occupational therapy assessment that mapped out the extent of his sensory difficulties, it was life changing. And probably life saving too because psychology hadn’t touched the edges of his MH problems.

He went from being wound up like a top, ready to explode at tiny things, and sometimes begging me to kill him and end his suffering, to being much calmer and more resilient.

But there’s also a balance to be struck when we live together as a family, and other siblings have to be taken into account. And it can be very hard sometimes to navigate all the different needs.

We just spent a week on holiday, with pils, and they had some strong opinions on our parenting because to them the sensory pressures are invisible and it’s hard not to second guess myself when I’m making excuses for behaviours that on the surface are classic spoiled teenager (grunting hello, refusing to leave his bedroom, wearing headphones in a restaurant, eating bland food) . On the one hand we’re trying to help a child regulate when the temperature, humidity, daylight, bedding, smells, food and sound are all distressingly different. But we’re also missing out opportunities other lessons and experiences and it’s really, really hard to figure out where that line is. I’m not sure that fil and ds are all that dissimilar, and maybe there was something to be said for the shape-up school of parenting. I just don’t know,

I think you might be confusing sensory issues with ND or other supported needs, in which case I think there are instances where some people use it to almost opt out of parenting.

Won’t go into too much detail but I recently witnessed a Dad just sit back and smile as his child was loudly and relentlessly disruptive in a group setting for almost an hour. He said his child had ADHD and PDA so couldn’t be told what to do, and in any case he wanted them to be able to express themselves fully.

The following week the child started to exhibit the same behaviour but Dad wasn’t there. Cue one of the helpers gently reminding them throughout that ‘we shouldn’t talk over others’, ‘Charlie is playing with that toy, will we find another one for you to play with?’, and so on and guess what? Whilst still super boisterous, their behaviour was much improved and they didn’t kick off!

The problem with people saying what OP has and saying autism etc is being used as an excuse and people need to live in the real world blah blah...

Is that it's ableist af.

Whether it's this issue or 'dwp scroungers' or whatever other pearl clutching subject, the fact is there will always be a small minority who are disingenuous.

But you don't get to decide who those people are. Nor tar everyone else with the same brush.

My youngest presents with a PDA profile and severe sensory issues and lack of understanding which coupled with mirroring others around her and things she may see in films, means she comes across like a petulant, rude, blunt person, most of the time. It takes a real effort to understand her behaviours and mannerisms and the things she just absolutely won't do.

Her school would back me up on just how much work and support and so on that I've undertaken since she's existed. She's now at an age where I'm not there watching over every interaction in order to redirect etc. So some people have wrongly got the idea that her autism is an excuse for the times when she is shitty.

Never an excuse. Usually the reason, never an excuse. And sometimes I believe she's just genuinely being a sod and requires sorting out over something.

I'm not the only parent of a child with neurodivergence and sensory issues who is doing their best. But you can bet every single parent in my position has days when explaining the situation to others is one thing too much, or strictly adhering to tried and tested methods of dealing with unwanted behaviours doesn't work or is too much, after umpteen times that day.... We burn out.

Sure there's a few wishy washy parents out there who just let them go off and don't do anything about what goes wrong. But please, saying things like OP just further stigmatises us and belittles what we go through, and what neurodivergent people go through.