To think that being estranged or no contact by choice really triggers something in people?

[MyHonestMauveHelper]

Even when you’ve experienced real harm, some people still seem deeply uncomfortable with the idea of walking away from family. There’s this unspoken expectation to either keep justifying it, downplay it or be visibly “broken” enough for it to be acceptable.

When it’s a boundary you’ve chosen for your own peace, even after years of dysfunction, some people visibly bristle. They push for details, minimise your reasons or insist that “family is everything.”

It’s like the idea that someone might walk away by choice threatens something in them. I’ve seen it with colleagues, acquaintances, even in dating.

People seem to need the abuse to meet a threshold they define or they assume you’re exaggerating. And if you’ve built a life you’re proud of, it sometimes unsettles them even more.

AIBU to think this reaction says more about them than me? AIBU to think that choosing distance from family isn’t a failure but an act of self-respect and some people just can’t cope with that?

I think they fall into one of three groups

1 lucky enough to be surrounded by such lovely people that they genuinely cannot comprehend the level of toxicity required to get to the point of walking away but not empathetic enough to put themselves in the shoes of someone who has suffered

Or
2 have one or more total shits in their lives who makes thrm miserable but they lack the courage or ability for whatever reason to walk away so they lash out because they hate the fact they're stuck in a situation someone else walked away from.

Or
3 they are the sack of crap in their own circle and terrified by the thought their victims might walk away

Yes I think people who have grown up in a family where abuse/neglect/cruelty is absent often cannot get their heads around why some people might be no contact. If someone told me they were no contact with their family, I would assume they have a damn good reason as breaking those family bonds isn't easy, even if your family is dysfunctional. Having worked with children in the care system, I'm sadly no longer surprised at the horrors some children endure 😔

I think that people who have lovely family members would be at least somewhat understanding of those who don't.

I think the rest fall in various groups:

1. The have been carefully raised in a family and a culture where walking away from a toxic family is inconceivable. The thought never even occurred to them and they feel stuck
2. They are these toxic families members themselves and are worried people will get ideas
3. They need these scapegoats around as a buffer, lest they become the target of the abuse

What a terribly oversimplified view. How about people who believe in the family unit as part of their faith? Or people who feel morally compelled to help others regardless of how they are treated in return? Some people choose to live by deeply held principles, even if you may disagree with them.

You're wrong to assume everyone makes a choice based on being pushed or pulled in certain directions by others, or even by their own lack of strength. Sometimes people choose to stick with difficult things because they truly believe it's the right and morally just thing to do.

I dunno... I have NC'd with my brother and I can see how much it hurts my mum because she loves us both equally. I don't know if deep down she knows it's him or thinks that I am equally to blame? Either way she doesn't let on, and although she brings it up less and less, I can tell it hurts her and that would be the only reason I might consider trying to fix it.

I'd probably feel the same if my DC were not on speaking terms as adults. It causes friction, awkwardness and can break the family unit.. I can see why my Mum would prefer it if we could get along.

You see posts on mumsnet where people make out going no contact is a modern trend that people do at the drop of a hat.
It makes them seem really dim. Estrangement from family is a term that has been around for many years.
Lucky them that they don't know how awful and abusive some families can be.

There's also this idea that it's always the children who initiate things. Whilst I now accept that going NC with me was a blessing in disguise, it still wasn't my choice. I had offered the olive branch of family counselling if she'd just apologise and acknowledge the years of abuse.

I hadn't thought about number 3, but that's a very good point.

Yanbu. It is very triggering when you witness family estrangement and you don't know the reason for it. It's probably the fear that it might happen to you one day (or is in my case).

As others say it’s because they come from functional families where a fall out can be dealt with “normally” In normal families you can reason with the other person, tell them how you feel or why you did something and both sides will seriously consider the other person’s point of view and come to a reasonable solution. They would agree with saying like blood is thicker than water because their family is functional and they can get over fallouts together.

People from normal families don’t understand how some people can’t be reasoned with and that in a dysfunctional family, a seemingly silly argument can be a last straw incident where you realise that the choice is suck it up or protect yourself (go NC)

In a way it’s a good thing that they are naive enough to believe that family fallouts can be solved and they don’t know what it’s like being family with the sorts of people that we have and I wouldn’t want to wish that situation on them so they know what it feels like.

I am selective about who I discuss my NC status is. My kids know but with strangers I use vague statements like “we aren’t close” or “they live overseas so I rarely see them” to save the long explanation. I know that I made the right decision going NC and managed to end the cycle of abuse with me by going NC which is something that I’m proud of. It’s not conventional but was very necessary.

I think there are also groups of people who go NC, for example:
-those who have experienced abuse that no one should have to put up with, and who are entirely justified

-those who could have salvaged a relationship but simply let a fallout drift so long it was too hard to go back - I have seen this on Long Lost Family type shows - these are quite sad. See also those who simply make no effort to stay in touch and are just forgotten over time as others die or move on.

-those who are heavily influenced by a certain strand of modern thinking that cannot cope with any difference or conflict in worldview or opinion, and see it as sufficient justification to cut everyone off forever - these people often alienate everyone in their lives and sometimes are accused of narcissism themselves.

These are just a couple of examples but some of the people who question you are probably thinking of those they know in the second two categories rather than the first.

Ok
4 Martyrs.

That post was bang on.

If 'your faith' makes you stick around to be abused then you can keep it
Nobody deserves to be abused, it takes strength to walk away and those people are better for it

I remember one individual for who I thought it was almost like the sunk cost fallacy. She'd spent a lot of time and effort learning to cope with an absolutely horrendous sounding family member and was extremely judgemental of this person's children who had nothing to do with her. It was very clear to outsiders why but I think she had been in the dynamic too long to see it.

I think it scares people because they realise it is possible and that they also have this option. This makes them uneasy because actually it’s sometimes easier to maintain contact and repeat the cycle of victim / abuser instead of cutting it off and reclaiming your life

I absolutely understand it where there’s been abuse/neglect/genuine toxicity.

I absolutely don’t understand some of the MN posters who give the most trivial reasons for potentially going NC, like finding their parents boring and not having much in common with them. I remember being shocked at reading one woman whose parents like to stay in and watch TV all the time, but she prefers to go for walks when she visits them, so she’s thinking of going NC. To me, that’s sociopathic behaviour.

My DM was a shit mum. She’s extremely damaged and I have compassion for her. She’s a bit better now I’m older but still gets on my tits. I’ve had therapy myself and now her behaviours are water off a duck’s back. I wouldn’t turn my back on her because I love her.

Same reason people bang on about step children being 'nothing' to the step parents extended family and think they have a right to their relatives money. They think that sharing genes with people is a special magical thing that transcends all other factors that influence human relationships. Its a type of arrogance I think. Our blood is so special that we're ring fencing ourselves. No one comes in, unless tolerated as a spouse, and no one escapes.

Totally depends on the reason surely? Saw a really sad thread once where a lady with extremely obvious mh issues (if anyone remembers it she had thrown herself down the stairs and her thread was long and rambler) was told by a few people that her family were toxic for not respecting her boundaries. She ignored most people on the thread and thanked everyone for confirming what she had thought and was planning on going nc with them.

In my case I don't understand it in my family because my brother is being unreasonable. He is NC with my parents because he thinks they were neglectful and abusive, because they didn't go along with everything he ever wanted and they didn't shower him with praise for every little thing. That's literally the reason. He is very entitled.

I think its a bit hasty to describe someone else as sociopathic on the basis of a casual remark on a public forum.

I've been NC with my mother for probably 20 years.

The amount of times people say "but you only get one mum" is ridiculous. Thank God I only had one.

Or I get "Imagine if your kids cut you off". Honestly, if I was such a shitty human being that my kids needed to stop speaking to me for their mental health then I hope they do just that.

It's probably my own bias and experience but if someone tells me they cut their parent off I think they probably have their reasons, if someone tells me their child cut them off then I always think that it's probably something they did wrong as a parent.

To the Op’s point I do think that it “triggers” some people to hear about it. They can’t bear it and must either treat it as a tragedy or a scandal.

I got bullied for it within the family, told to grow up, told to accept him for who he was and his limitations, told you only get one Dad. He was a drinker with an explosive temper who regularly gave me emotional/psychological abuse and rejected me due to my disability . But I was the bad guy for saying this ends here. Several people said Well he might die and then how would you feel? The man is still going strong over 20 years later. I will be indifferent to his death, I’ve already mourned my lack of a father and the ways he fucked me up

I have also got a sister cut from the same cloth. Only in contact with her loosely since she put DM at risk during COVID - I’ve hated her literally my whole life and only tolerate her for DM. I once was told “you can’t say that” why not? I do hate her!

If you’ll cut off your own flesh and blood who raised you and no doubt made sacrifices for you just because you don’t share the same hobbies, that suggests an absence of normal human emotions to me. I think too many people expect perfection from their parents, and won’t settle for anything less.

I'm sorry, @ValleyClouds . You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself at the end of the day. Glib comment, I know.

I can see myself going through the motions to meditate with my NC brother for the sake of my parents, at some point. But I will never ever trust him again and it will be performatively civil for their sake. Just because he is my brother doesn't mean we naturally have a close bond. You can't force that! Blood or not.