Or is there something wrong with me?

[Helpagirlyout]

I just can't cope with everything. I feel like my brain and body have reached capacity and I'm dropping plates in trying to juggle. Other Mums seem to have it together and I just.. don't.

I'm letting people down constantly, my partner because I'm basically in the realms of hoarder now because I just can't manage my stuff/clutter. My children, obviously because the house is untidy and it's not fair on them.

My children go to a lovely rural school where their friends parents have more money than we do so they do clubs galore and we just struggle to afford it. They're 6 and 7 and they can't swim, I feel utterly dreadful about this.

My Dad has terminal C and I don't feel like I offer him and my Mum as much support as I should be, whereas they help me/us at the drop of a hat.

I've had to call my manager this morning and ask to WFH because I've got shingles, I'm so conscious I already had to ask for 2 days off a couple of weeks ago. It all seems to come at once. I was also supposed to be covering first aid at one of our sites today (not my usual days cover so I'd written it in my outlook diary) but I completely forgot and when I got back from the pharmacy and logged on I saw my reminder so I had to call to apologise, I've let them down too.

It was my partner's birthday last week, I tried to make it as special as I could but I had to work my new job that evening. I'd laid out all his presents and cards with balloons, I'd got him a little cake and said please celebrate with the children as it's your birthday, we can do another cake Friday evening because I'd arranged his family to come round for a BBQ. He didn't want to do the cake without me and then we didn't do it on Friday at the BBQ and now he's so upset that we didn't do the cake. So I've let him down there too. He doesn't like celebrating his birthday so I never know what the right thing to do is, he hates celebrating because he's a year closer to death but I did the BBQ for his parents and our children because it didn't seem right not to.

I don't feel like I can keep up with the housework. I left a wash in the washing machine accidentally yesterday and now I'm washing it again. I have a mountain of washing to put away. I need to do the meal plan/food shop.

I've recently taken on a second job in the evenings but my partner expressed his upset that I was reluctant to get up in the mornings and help get the children ready for school. I'd got to bed at 1am each night if done my second job and I'm already working full time during the day. I was absolutely struggling to get out of bed and I haven't been feeling well (now I know this was shingles coming). So I'd let him and the children down as I hadn't got up to make packed lunches and he had to just grab some bits from the cupboard.

I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying my best to come up with plans/strategies to manage everything (like in capable of doing at work) but I just can't seem to get on top of things at home and I'm seeing the effect it has on my family in slow motion. It's like a car crash. We're so close to breaking up and had a huge row for hours last night. He hates me. He hates that I don't take care of myself. I look and feel like crap. How do other mums do it all? I feel like such a failure.

You didn’t let your husband down on his birthday, he made a choice not to do the cakes, he shouldn’t then blame you for that choice.

While on the subject of your husband, what is he doing to contribute? Why can’t he make the kids packed lunches in the morning? Sounds like a massive loser to me!

You sound utterly burned out. I’m sorry.

How is your partner suggesting that he makes up the money needed from your second job if he doesn’t want you doing it?
Honestly he sounds pretty unsupportive.

Well you can't work a full time job PLUS another evening job and also be responsible for kids and housework and parents! You're doing too much. Can you manage without the evening job - you'd have a better chance of coping with the rest without it. How much does your dh do at home?
With the kids, they will value time above all else. Can you make sure their rooms are as nice as possible. Keep the clutter out of those. And then maybe pick one other room to get clutter free and do it that way.
And stop talking to yourself so negatively - you aren't failing all these people. You are doing well with such limited time resources! Spend some time with your dad though, you'll remember that in future days.

There is nothing wrong with you, I don't think others cope better it sounds like you just have too much to carry and it's no surprise that it feels hard because it is hard. You are doing your best and it really doesn't sound like you are letting anyone down at all, but you do need to make sure you take care of yourself too, you matter too.

Oh my word you poor thing. Does your husband work 2 jobs too? You really need a rest and reset.

First things first, washing can come out of the machine the next day and no harm done. I forget mine frequently, if it is 3 days then yep re wash but otherwise sod that!
Can you for the next few days get some oven cook ready meals for your evening meal to take the pressure off, cottage pie, lasagne, jacket potato with beans and cheese. Make it easy and no pressure on you.

Can your husband sort packed lunches the night before? At least stock take the stuff is there that he will be able to use the next morning to make the lunches?

JFC. When I had shingles I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks, never mind try to do any of the things you’re doing. A family member had it and was left with CFS.
Drop the second job. DP can find one. After a serious conversation redistribute household tasks (you shouldn’t be doing them all yourself) and take good care of your health.
If DP doesn’t engage, I’d reconsider his worth.

You do know you are ill don't you? Shingles is a serious illness.. presumably you have the meds?. You need to STOP.. go to bed.. let him step up or fuck off.
You can't save the world.. you can't do it all.
This is your body telling you to stop.. slow down. And if you don't listen you could land up with long term health problems. Then you won't be doing anything for anybody!
Go to bed. Rest. Fluids. Meds. Sleep.

You feel like a failure and that other mums are “doing it all” but they’re not. You’re worn out because you are doing the work of several people. Nobody would be able to do all that and not be exhausted. You need more help x

I was also going to say when I had shingles I couldn't get out of bed for a week. Can you take time off work? Or will you lose money by being off?

You're doing far too much already and it's no wonder you are struggling. I don't think other mums 'do it all'. Do the ones you see work 2 jobs like you? You sound amazing, like a supermom, and I'm sorry your DH doesn't appreciate what you are doing.

One year when I was trying to do it all, I completely forgot Dhs birthday and he understood

^
This.

Right now you need to get to bed, take your meds and rest.

Whenever I’m sick, I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and I listen to off all my failures. It’s happened so often I just recognise it as one of symptoms of being sick.

There are things that can be changed, or tweaked. But right now you need to recover and rest.

i Would bet my money partner is a stay home parent who does minimal, contribute fuck all financially ( cough, cough cocklodger) and the op is having to work 2 jobs and exhausted but expected keep on top of the house.

Sounds like your boyfriend is making your life a lot harder than it should be.

You are being too hard on yourself OP, I have half as much to worry about as you and I struggle at times to be on top of everything. You are the squeezed middle and its is ok to cut yourself some slack and ask your family for some help. Is your DH also doing his fair share? Your kids are old enough to be given some small tasks I think by now even if it is just to pick up and put away after themselves.

Sweetheart, you are in burnout. What has got you there is a different question, but for today, you need to call your GP and get him to sign you off for two weeks. And you need to rest. Don't worry about work - you shouldn't be working if you are ill (in fact if you have shingles, you shouldn't be in the office at all and likely shouldn't be working from home either). Don't worry about letting them down - it's a job. Nobody is irreplaceable and unplanned illnesses happen.

Lets deal with each of these issues in turn.

1. Why are you working a second job? Is it for finances? Or is it something you actually want to do but don't need to do, as such? If you don't need to do it, I would seriously consider giving it up for the moment. A full time job and two young kids is two full time jobs as it is. When the kids are a bit older (and I mean 3/4 years time) you could go back to it. If it is for finances, lets put a little bookmark in that and deal with it further down.
2. Your husband's birthday. He is a grown man. He does not need someone to sing happy birthday to him. He got a fuss made of him, and since he doesn't really like birthdays anyway, I wouldn't give this another thought.
3. Your husband getting the kids ready in the morning: Your children are 6 and 7, not 1 and 2. One parent can definitely get children ready in the morning, it's not overloading him. Perhaps his annoyance actually stems from you working a second job rather than from having to make lunches in the morning. Again, your reaction to this depends on why you are taking the second job.
4. Kids activities. Don't worry about the friends getting to do clubs and after school stuff. Most kids love the novelty of a new hobby for about four weeks, and then get bored of it. What they really want is their parents to be around and want to spend time with them. My kids would much prefer to go to a field with me three days a week and do running games for 20 minutes, then to be driven to a running club and be left there. Don't worry about the swimming - there's plenty of time to learn. Lots of my friends have never sent their kids to swimming lessons - they've just looked on Youtube and brought them swimming to a local pool once a week.
5. Finances. If you are taking on the second job because of family finances, then you need to have a really robust chat with your husband, as he is absolutely, definitely, not pulling his weight. He will definitely need to do the morning shift (as I said, it's not difficult) and he will have to start doing more around the house. And I mean he does 70% of the housework and childcare, and you do 30%. That is fair, if you are working more hours outside the house than him.
6. The hoarding and missed appointments: It could be a temporary reaction to the stress you are under, but... have you considered you might have ADHD? I only say this as I am diagnosed myself. If messiness and missed appointments (and losing things, and forgetting tasks) have been a feature of all your life to this point, you could be suffering from it. Another thing that is a feature of ADHD is something called rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD. That is where you will bend yourself backwards not to be criticised by another person (especially family or friends) leading you to always think you are in the wrong, and you are never doing enough. That seems to be a heavy feature of your original post. Perfectionism - i.e. keeping every dish effortlessly spinning in the air is also a feature of ADHD. Something to consider.
7. Your Dad. I'm so sorry that your Dad is ill and I'd imagine that is only adding to your stress levels. I have gone through something similar myself two years ago. Are you the only child? You have a full time job and young children - you simply can't be at your parents house at the drop of a hat exactly when they need you. Your parents understand that, or should. The best way to go about this is to tell your husband that you need to visit your parents on Sunday mornings or an evening during the week in order to give your mum some respite. Make it a regular time. This is not an unreasonable ask. Taking care of parents is a given when you get to a certain age and your husband should understand that.

The huge row was probably needed. Sit down with a plan, but a plan that prioritises you, not everyone else. If he wants you to "take care of yourself", that starts with your mental health. And your mental health won't get better until some of the tasks you have dealing with to this point are fairly taken over by him. You can't get fit or eat better either without getting the time to exercise and to cook for yourself. You say that you are close to breaking up - I'd doubt that. He might have threatened it in the heat of the moment but he'd have to do a damn lot more than make a few lunches in the morning if he broke up with you.

By the way, NO OTHER MOTHERS have it sorted. If it looks like they do, it's because the duck legs are furiously paddling under the water and/or they have a lot of help from a support network.

It sounds like you are taking on an awful lot and feeling like you're letting everyone down when you're not - you're struggling with the load and its not surprising! Also, shingles is a horrible illness which can happen when you're run down and stressed - it's an indication that you need to rest!

Taking on a second job on top of your full time job and looking after children and home is just too much. It doesn't matter that your kids aren't in clubs for everything, one hobby such as football/cubs/dancing is enough and they will have more opportunity as they get older - don't worry about it for now.

Re: the mess - are you actually hoarding i.e. buying stuff/keeping stuff you don't need? Or have you just not got adequate storage/places for things? Look at what you can do to organise quickly - buy some storage boxes that slip under the bed or on top of your wardrobe and pack away stuff you don't use. Get a tray for all post/letters/leaflets and chuck anything you don't need in the recycling immediately.

You need to carve out time for yourself - a yoga class, a walk in the woods, sit in a cafe and people watch. Take turns with your partner to have a couple of hours to yourself Saturday/Sunday to recharge your batteries.

Finally, it's ok to stick the kids in front of the tv or a movie while you have a tidy up - it won't kill them. You don't have to be a perfect mum, most of us just manage 'good enough'!

Thank you all so much for your messages. I'm so sorry I feel so worn down today I don't have it in me to properly respond but I am so grateful for your responses and support. It's made me tear up. I now have antivirals so I'm hoping within the next 2/3 days I'll begin to feel more human.
Thank you x

doesn't like celebrating his birthday so I never know what the right thing to do is, he hates celebrating because he's a year closer to death but I did the BBQ for his parents and our children because it didn't seem right not to

^
your husband sounds quite unpleasant and unsupportive. I feel this is at the root of things.

Wow- you’re going through so much, any of those things alone would floor most people. And your partner gets upset about a cake? And complains you’re not up in the morning as your second job keeps you up. He’s your problem.
apart from him, you’re ill with shingles. Rest, recover and deal with the chaos of life when you’ve more energy.

A grown man upset he didn't get a cake? I'm sorry but with everything else you have going on, this is the last thing that matters!

Hope you feel better soon!