To feel he's taking the p

[Saltedtoffee]

My husband works as a firefighter 2 daya and 2 nights then 4 days off.
But in his nights he sleeps it's a quiet station he hasn't been called out past 10 in over 4 shifts.
But my issue is he effectively has 7 days in a row where he is at home.
But he doesn't do a shop,start dinner anythjng to help out. He watches back to back podcasts and Netflix and goes back to bed .
If he was working all night say as a nurse or a police officer or in a factory I totally get going back to bed and not doing anything but he's been asleep all night .He says I'm just jealous.
And tbh I am the way his shifts fall mean I'm in work 5 days then come the weekend I'm running round after the kids as he "is in work"
His 4 days off he says are his rest days. Which are often when I'm in work and kids are in school.
He has booked annual leavevwhen thd kids are in school so he has 24 days on his behind.
Like tonight he is in work.I cooked dinner did the ironing.He texted me that he was off to bed and tomorrow he was going to go to the beach.
AIBU

@Saltedtoffee What do you do for work? How are things shared when you're working?

If you divorced him he would have to do his own housework, laundry, cooking and hopefully 50% of childcare. Even if he doesn't you won't exactly be worse off but the resentment and frustration won't be there.

What does he do that helps and supports you? Or does he just drag you down?

Depends. Are you working or is he working and paying for everything? I’d cut him a bit of slack if it’s the second case, being a firefighter can be very mentally draining.

He’s supposed to be maintaining his fitness, not sitting around.

Many firefighters have a second job that is physical, like plumbing or plastering which brings in extra cash and helps with fitness.

I do think the 4 days on, 4 days off is old fashioned and should be changed.

His days off he should be doing his fair share, however I have sympathy for his nights.

I know you say they are not waking nights but I used to do sleepovers at work and its hard to settle...I wouldn't sleep as I'd be on high alert and always wondering if I'd suddenly be jolted awake.

So I can understand the going to bed during the day after the nights but you definitely need to discuss a better split for days off so you both get downtime

She said she’s working 5 days then running around all weekend. He’s been cut more than enough slack, surely? He does FA at home!

He works out in work

I do understand that and I totally understand the needing to rest. I have no issue with him going back to bed. It's the not doing anything else. He could go backbyo bed for 4 hrs and still make a start on dinner.

He cooks in work for the watch but on his days off he won't cook.
My issue is I feel the split is unfair I put a wash on the other morning before work and asked him to hang it out when I got home it was still in the washer.

Shift work is hard, we both worked opposite each other for many, many years to juggle the childcare but he just sounds like a lazy, entitled arse.

No wonder the other emergency services who knock their pan in constantly have no respect for the fire service’s work habits.

sorry op but I’d throw this one back and either manage on your own without the resentment or find someone else who actively wants to participate in your life as an equal - he clearly doesn’t.

But the point on his 2 night shifts is he could get called out. Just because in 4 shifts he hasn't doesn't mean that is always the case. Amd quite frankly I'd rather a well rested firefighter turned up if I need one than one who was knackered.

For him to be tired on those shifts could result in someone dying.

For his days off you are not unreasonable. He should help then.

He needs to change his ways and start pulling his weight.
shift work is hard, I’ve done it for 22years but it doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility.
I don’t do much on my night shifts albeit basic washing and tidying.
He’s got it fairly easy 4 on 4 off was my favourite pattern and the least tiring (I wasn’t sleeping on shift) I now work 6on 4off and it can be a struggle to fit everything in and have a life.

it doesn’t sound like he’s open to any discussion on it but try having it all written down so he can see the extremely unfair split
if he refuses to change I’d be walking. Yes you’d still
be doing all the work you do now but you wouldn’t have the resentment you have just now.

Bloody hell - he’s taking the piss and the concept of ‘rest day’ far too literally.

my other half was a police man so ‘early’ ‘late shift’ ‘ nights’ and ‘rest’ (meaning not at work) were part of our vocab.

but rest day didn’t mean he sat on his arse all day and did nothing. He was here and joined in the family stuff - kids loved it when daddy home to do the school run and he’d cook and go to Tesco etc.

he is taking you for a ride - speak to him - either he steps up and starts interacting with life or you go your separate ways.

I bet on your ‘rest days’ (aka weekend if you work mon-fri type job) you are not sitting around doing nothing…

he is awful - sort this out as he is bringing precious little to your life.

There is having a rest and then there is sitting on your arse. If he was single and child free he would have to leave the sofa occasionally to make sure he had clean clothes and food, even if he was happy to live in a pigsty. He should not be making even less effort than that.

If I was you I would have pegged out mine and the DCs’ clothes and left his in the washer. Quite frankly I’d be going to war with him. Tell him to step up or he will find himself having to cook his own meals and do his own laundry.

I'm a (female) firefighter and can confirm, 100%, your DH is absolutely taking the piss.

On his days off between nights - he can EASILY cook some meals, put a wash on, run the vacuum round. Even if he had been at a 10 hour barn fire the night before! It takes 5 mins to put the washing machine on. I cannot believe the bullshit he is spinning you to think he needs to 'rest' (i.e.do sweet fuck all) if he hasn't even been called out!

On his rest days, he should be doing much much more than that. School runs, life admin, proper cleaning, meal prep.

On my rest days I am also on call for a different fire station, so almost never get a full night where there isn't the possibility I might get called out. Plenty of firefighters are on call at home and live like this. He needs to sort himself out. Id be embarrassed to be him.

Of course he's taking the piss.

4 consecutive days off and he expects to sit on his arse the whole time? Tell him to change his ways or fuck off.

He's a lazy shit. Tell him he either does his half or he can leave.

Agree he’s taking the mick. He should be doing the chores on his rest days.

The thing a lot of men don’t comprehend is that when you choose to bring little lives into this world that 100% rely on you for survival there is no such thing as rest days any more, not unless you’re lucky enough to have someone willing to give you a bit of me time. He needs to change his mindset to realise he needs to be looking after his family in partnership with you 24/7 or he can do his 50% on his own. The latter will be harder but he may need to learn the hard way.

Agree with everyone else, he’s taking the piss. How lovely to lounge around on days off and do nothing.

Does he… do anything at home? Anything at all? I mean, he sounds like a lost cause in his selfishness. I bet he’s not even the breadwinner, just all round a taker in your family. If you can’t hang out washing and do some chores and you’re an adult you don’t live in my house anymore. Nothing can compensate for expecting you to be the only parent and housekeeper.

I go to work come home, I don't watch hours of Netflix.i have to cook dinner take kids to sport .I have problem with him resting he doesn't have to come home and be full on. But there is nothing wrong with him doing a couple of bits.