Decided to separate from DH *hand hold please*

[YourOchreSloth]

Posting for traffic, thank you.
I am reaching out to people who I know will have been where I am, please be kind.
23 years together, 19 years married but today decided to call time on our marriage. I know it is the right decision but can't stop crying with how sad it all is. Kids are 14 and 16. They are upset but already trying to find the positives bless them both.
Please tell me it won't always feel this raw and that it is normal to feel scared even when it is the right decision.

I was in your shoes 3 years ago.

24 years together, the last decade of which had been awful. I put on 7 stone from comfort eating. It took me a long time to see that it was over, and why, and once I did I knew it would have to be me who ended it because it always had to be me who did everything.

It's a long time to be with someone and your lives are very intertwined after that kind of duration. You can probably hardly remember what 'before' was like. So yes, very normal to be upset and scared, even when you know what you're doing is the right thing.

In the time since I ended things, I've been on my own, not looking for a new relationship, reacquainting myself with the real me who had somehow got lost in all the mess and sadness, doing therapy, making a new, more grown-up relationship with my children, finding my anger about all the stuff that had gone on between me and the ex (I put up with a lot, far, far more than I should have), dealing with a lot of physical and mental health fall-out, getting my shit together professionally and financially. It's been really, really hard but so worth it.

You will be OK. I promise it. It will be tough but you will come out of this stronger and happier.

Thank you so much, you have said everything I needed to hear.
The sadness is overwhelming but have to believe that will slowly pass.
We are fortunate that we are being amicable and both on the same page that the kids are our number one priority.
Thank you again, I feel like you really understand and that is what is going to be most important for me I think.

It's totally normal to feel sad and also anxious about the uncertainty of the future. It's a massive change in your life. Just remember that this is the worst bit - the hardest bit - and there is light at the end of the tunnel where you will find peace and happiness again. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and have a good cry when you need to.

My friend ended her 16 year marriage which had been difficult for many years. Even though she has a new partner who is absolutely lovely, when her divorce was finalised, she was tearful and wobbly for a good few weeks. She just felt so sad and needed to grieve then end of her marriage.

Thank you. That is reassuring to know this is the hardest bit. I've never known heartbreak like it. I feel like I unravelling but I'm just reaching out wherever I can to get through this awful time.

I found that focusing on practical tasks helped - finding somewhere new to live, switching admin into new names, making lists and crossing things off, etc. And I found that writing things down (i.e. getting them out) helped me stay calm. The first night in my new home, I wrote a list of all the reasons I felt scared and found that they were all completely normal and understandable, and manageable once they were out in the open. Really important imo to feel all your feelings, rather than suppressing them out of fear they'll be too difficult to cope with.

Do you have friends, OP? I tried not to bore everyone silly with how tough life felt (though I failed dismally at times, obviously) but taking time out to do something nice with a friend or just have a laugh or a gossip over a cup of tea is really important to get you on the road to normality (or in fact something better).

I did the same in October after 31 years together. Honestly, I haven't regretted it for one moment. Life is immeasurably better now. I feel like I'm living again instead of just going through the motions.

I've got an amazing social life, a lovely new man, have had so many positive experiences. You only get one life, it's so important to live it.