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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling de-sexualised and unattractive.

16 replies

Mammaandmum · 29/06/2025 20:09

Hi
I got married a month ago to my lovely husband. We've got 2 kids 1,5 and just 3.

My brother has a new girlfriend who's very beautiful.

Ever since I have kids I have been feeling very unattractive. My bellies big I've been aging I look a tired mess ect. My husband and I don't have time to go out together. I love him and we both still really like to be intimate. however I do feel ashamed about how I look and kinda hide myself under the duvet ect.

The wedding was one day I felt beautiful and put together again. Now, one month after the wedding, we met my husband relatives again. The first thing they mention is ""yes your wedding was lovely but your brothers girlfriend is just omg stunning"". Or your brothers girlfriend was kinda the person everyone wanted see"" hhaha joke joke.

AIBU to find this mean and be hurt by this?
My husband says they're just joking and it doesn't matter as we're aging anyway (I'm only 31 omg). Barley anyone, but my good friends, give me compliments. Now it's always about the kids.

Is this just what life is like as a woman after kids and or after 30?
I would love to age be a mum and actually feel desirable.. however everyone around me pretends it doesn't matter how I feel or look now. Most weeks go by and I feel completely invisible.

I know a lot of people on this page have way bigger issues to deal with. Just wonder if other mums feel the same and if so how they deal with it.. I might just need to get a bit tougher

OP posts:
Alwaysbackagain · 29/06/2025 20:20

Your H's relatives sound down right nasty.

I can't believe they made your wedding day all about your brothers new gf. Are they usually unpleasant to you? Because it certainly doesnt sound like a joke , it sounds as though they really wanted to upset you.

Please don't compare yourself to this new gf. You are beautiful in your own way. You have 3 very young children and its easy to lose your sense of self looking after them.

Laiste · 29/06/2025 20:20

Oh bless you !

31 !! You're a baby to me one of my DC is 30 😊 However i can remember being 30 with 3 under 5 and starting to really feel i was aging so i get it!

Is she very young, the girlfriend? Early 20s maybe? Because very young and very pretty is headturning.

I bet you looked amazing at your wedding anyway and it's a bit crass for them to be talking about how lovely other guests were after just a month!

💐

Kreepture · 29/06/2025 20:24

it is how it is, and it's why it's SO important to take time for yourself, to shop, to dress, to bathe, to pamper, to socialise.

The only way you're going to maintain any hold of 'you' underneath 'wife' & 'mother' is by making time for her, no-one else will.

TBH, in the trenches with under 8's its fucking hard.. turning 40 and having 2 teenagers and getting divorced pushed me in to finding who Kreep was.. and it was the best thing i did.

I'll give you one clue.. other than your H, stop caring what anyone else thinks or says about you, you do you, they can take you or fuck off.

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 29/06/2025 20:26

That's an asshole thing to say about a bride who just got married.

It does sound like they've hit a nerve because you want to look more polished etc. Everyone says it doesn't matter because it doesn't to some but it sounds like it does to you.

It's hard to find time with little kids but just aim to put more effort in to look nice if it would perk you up.

Forget comparisons to your brother's pretty girlfriend...the time may come when you are past having little ones just as she starts to and then the tables will turn - I don't mean that in a bitchy way but more most people do look like tired and have less time to look good when they're kids a little.

afaloren · 29/06/2025 20:28

I can’t believe how rude they were to you!!

TY78910 · 29/06/2025 20:29

Nasty stuff. What does your DH say back when the family say all that rubbish? I’d have a chat with him and tell him he needs to put them straight. It’s not a joke when it makes someone feel like shit.

Hankunamatata · 29/06/2025 20:31

Meh she's a dolly bird as my Grandad used to say - your relative sounds shallow and not nice.
I remember my kids at the same age and I was nearly broken with tiredness.

PrincessofWells · 29/06/2025 20:32

Only you can change things - so do it. Personally I think with 2 kids that age, managing to get out of bed in the morning is an achievement xx

steff13 · 29/06/2025 20:34

Wow you know some rude people. Is your brother's GF famous or something? I don't think I've ever seen a regular person that I felt was that attractive.

My ex husband had many (many) faults, but he never failed to tell me I was beautiful every day - no matter how heinous I actually looked. Does you husband know how you feel? Do you get regular exercise? Do you have the opportunity to go to the salon, get your hair cut regularly or your nails done?

Mrsttcno1 · 29/06/2025 20:34

I think there’s two issues at play here really, the way your in laws have spoken, and how you feel in & about yourself.

Your inlaws are being rude, I can’t imagine telling a bride that her brother’s girlfriend was the highlight of her wedding. I’d just ignore them.

But how you feel about yourself is the bigger issue. If you are unhappy there is always time to make a change, it doesn’t have to be a drastic one and it depends entirely what makes you feel better. What makes me feel “better” in myself is being fit and active, exercising, wearing an outfit that makes me feel confident (even if that outfit is sometimes just leggings and a top with a 1 year old😂), having my hair done, I’m not huge on makeup personally but I know I have friends who don’t feel dressed without their make up on, it makes them feel confident and anything that makes YOU feel confident is a big yes! It doesn’t matter what other people think or say, what matters is how YOU feel about yourself, think about what would make you feel better and start there.

HelloBear765 · 29/06/2025 20:38

Your kids are v small. In another 2 years you'll have more time for yourself. In the meantime, I'd start exercising, some pilates and some strength training to tone up after having 2 kids. Over time, you'll have time to diet but I wouldn't worry too much about that now.

There's not much you can do about your relatives being nasty or about that girl being v attractive. She is who she is. She may have kids and bounce back and look amazing, or not. It doesn't really matter. I would keep my distance from the in laws knowing they are such bullies.

Blondiney · 29/06/2025 20:46

Story of my life, OP and I don't even have kids to blame. 😂

Catsandcannedbeans · 29/06/2025 21:08

I’m currently pregnant and this one has been wayyy worse than the other two. Has me feeling fucking ragged, can’t wait for it to be over. I definitely look old, this baby has leeched my youth away and I’m only 26.

Genuinely the only time I felt nice was when my DN did my make up for me. I cried which is very weird for me. Maybe you could invest a bit in you? Doesn’t have to be huge, nice hair care product, getting your brows done, teeth whitened (for me a game changer). It does depend on your finances, but I think you need to be prescribed a treat. A lot of mums forgo self care to spend on their kids, and I get it, but sometimes a bit of self care makes you a better mum. I justify it by thinking I need to be a confident role model for my DD, not like my mum who always said she was ugly ect. Sometimes that means a little vanity treat.

Your husbands family are rotten for saying that as well, I’d keep away from them as best you can.

Missj25 · 30/06/2025 00:15

Mrsttcno1 · 29/06/2025 20:34

I think there’s two issues at play here really, the way your in laws have spoken, and how you feel in & about yourself.

Your inlaws are being rude, I can’t imagine telling a bride that her brother’s girlfriend was the highlight of her wedding. I’d just ignore them.

But how you feel about yourself is the bigger issue. If you are unhappy there is always time to make a change, it doesn’t have to be a drastic one and it depends entirely what makes you feel better. What makes me feel “better” in myself is being fit and active, exercising, wearing an outfit that makes me feel confident (even if that outfit is sometimes just leggings and a top with a 1 year old😂), having my hair done, I’m not huge on makeup personally but I know I have friends who don’t feel dressed without their make up on, it makes them feel confident and anything that makes YOU feel confident is a big yes! It doesn’t matter what other people think or say, what matters is how YOU feel about yourself, think about what would make you feel better and start there.

This is really good advice from a very nice lady I imagine..☺️…

Oh , & just to add , your in laws sound like assholes , nice people never hurt someone’s else’s feelings, like pp has said , i could never imagine saying something like that to a bride ..
Anyway , don’t mind them , & read what pp says here .. I’d screenshot this & read Everytime I need some encouragement & focus … x x

Huhuhuhu39272 · 30/06/2025 03:40

Stomach gets hit hard from pregnancy, make sure to do postpartum diastasis safe core exercises to help bring your abs in and get rid of that. Look after yourself again. Do it for you, no one else.

It’s easy to forget ourselves (I’m only just truly recovering 8 years later!)

As for his family, nasty thing to say, nasty thing for your partner to defend. There’s no way they didn’t know that was going to hurt you. Sounds very much like narcissist triangulation tbh.

Major red flag for a narc family dynamic to me! Your husband defending them is also a major red flag.

Bikergran · 30/06/2025 04:34

How bloody rude.

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