To think it’s normal for people in love to argue but what matters is how you come back together?

[TheMellowExpert]

I see so many posts and comments saying “he raised his voice” or “we had a big argument” and it’s instantly met with “leave him” or “this is a red flag.” But isn’t it normal for people who care about each other to clash sometimes?

It’s not about never fighting, it’s about whether you find your way back, remember the bond you share and resolve things with maturity and care. AIBU to think conflict in love is inevitable but how you repair it is what matters most?

I only ever see LTB in response to descriptions of abusive behaviour; name calling, gaslighting, smashing furniture etc. Arguments are normal and they can be conducted without any of the above.

I think differences of opinion and very occasional arguments at some level are enivitable in long term relationships however, it's the nature of the argument that matters.

Arguments that include roaring & shouting, name calling, abuse- physical or otherwise and a race to the bottom, shouldn't be tolerated on any level.

It depends what you mean by clash. If someone punches you in the face literally or metaphorically then all the care and bond remembering in the world isn't going to fix it. Sometimes ltb is the only answer.

Depends oh what you mean as argue - I don't think anyone has suggested poster leaves their partner because they have different opinions and had a discussion. If you mean shouting, name calling etc then I would not be able to just get over it, not everything can be repaired, a cracked vase is a cracked vase, no matter how much you glue it.

Disagreements, differing opinions and bickering occasionally, fine. Yelling, name calling, silent treatment, not ok.

There's a big difference between a raised voice and yelling in rage.

DH has never yet raised his voice to me, not I to him, but if he did I could move past it so long as he wasn't 'in my face' and so long as he apologised afterwards and tried not to do it again. If he yelled at me in a red-faced angry rage that would be more difficult, because it isn't what you do to someone you respect.

I don’t know actually because frequent arguments would be exhausting regardless of how mature you are about making up.

Depends on the context and nature of the argument(s) surely?

I think people have different tolerance levels and won't always be compatible. Raised voices can be very intimidating for some people and not something they engage in or will accept. Some people think raised voices are normal and a way to let out frustration and clear the air .

It’s important to actually get to know someone well before entering a physical relationship with them and then feeling bound to them because of the sex.

As time goes by you realise you have different views, different opinions and petty arguments turn into full blown slanging matches which may escalate to physical violence.

As long as it's not the same person compromising all the time IE backing down to keep the peace.
And definitely no shouting, punching walls etc.

As PPs have said it depends what you mean by "argue" and "clash" and it depends how often its happening. A civil and respectful difference of opinion is healthy, people need to be honest about what they need in relationships. Full on shouting matches, raised voices happening as a matter of routine is not. Neither is sulking or gaslighting.

I also think being in a relationship where there's constant bickering or low level argument, even if it stops short of being abusive, is very draining and unpleasant and eventually sucks the joy out of everything.

I think there's been an unfortunate tendency in the cultural baggage around romance to normalise arguing: "lovers tiffs" and "making up" etc, which has distorted our view of this. It's part and parcel of the broader idea that its always better to be in a relationship than out of one.

Bottom line is if you're constantly disagreeing with someone, even if it's being done civilly, if you're constantly having to assert boundaries or criticise your partner, or vice versa, it's probably God's way of telling you you're not that compatible and you'd be happier on your own.

People that scream at each other is not ok neither is it good for children.

Depends what you mean by arguing! Screaming and yelling at each other, insults and name-calling, I don't think is ever ok. You can disagree about things and have a discussion about it without it turning into an argument.

I don’t think it should be normal for people in love to argue, no. If you were regularly arguing with friends or colleagues, you’d take that as a sign of something being fundamentally not quite right and assess whether it was time to move on, not conclude that you just needed to focus more on how you “come together afterwards”, and I don’t think relationships with partners should be approached manifestly differently.

Disagreeing over some things occasionally, perhaps. Beyond that, I’m not convinced that good “make ups” means you should ignore fundamental compatibility issues and differences in approach and values, if you’re having to do them often.

I agree with everyone else.
Perfectly normal to disagree with anyone you spend a lot of time with, occasionally.
I do agree that when you disagree, the important thing is how you both handle it and then resolve it. That is incredibly important in a relationship.

I haven't voted however, as I think people have different definitions of 'argue' or 'have a row' from those other people have.
I agree with the first two replies. I never see anyone telling someone to 'ltb' because of a disagreement or an argument. That happens for a lot of other reasons that some poster on here describe.